Fic: Instead of in New York
Title: Instead of in New York
Rating: PG
Characters: Kurt/Blaine, Finn and Rachel mentioned
Words: About 650
Warnings/Spoilers: "Goodbye" (which is, really, both a spoiler and a warning)
Summary: Kurt knows what jealousy feels like. And this isn't it.
Author's Note: So robotsfighting linked this video on her tumblr, because apparently it makes her want to write stuff.
Apparently, it makes me want to write stuff too.
(Title taken from "New York" by Snow Patrol)
Kurt knows what jealousy feels like. How it tastes, bitter in the back of his mouth, how it stings in his eyes and flushes his cheeks and makes his hands curl up, neatly trimmed nails digging into the meat of his palms. He knows how it curls in his stomach and sits there, sometimes for days, weighing him down and making him sharp, narrowing his eyes and edging his every word.
He knows what jealousy feels like; and so he knows that the feeling lodged in his throat, making him blink back tears as he watches Rachel's train slide into the distance, as Finn struggles to keep up with it only to fall inexorably behind, is not jealousy.
He reaches out for Blaine's hand, tangles their fingers together, and holds on as tightly as he can.
He isn't jealous. He's grateful.
It's not that he's happy that he couldn't get into NYADA. God, no, he's not happy at all. It hurts -- his hopes were so high, and rightfully so, after everything Ms. Tibideaux said, after she made him believe that for once, he could finally have this, that someone would finally see him -- His dreams might not be shattered (it takes more than one sheet of paper, after all, to break a Hummel), but they're significantly dented, and it aches, and it burns, and he hates this more than anything. And he wants to be on that train, and he will be, someday. But there is a part of him, a little voice in the back of his head that's been growing louder and louder ever since Blaine broke down in Miss Pillsbury's office (I have to learn, next year, what being alone is gonna be like), that just can't stand the thought of going without Blaine. Of leaving him behind.
He would have, of course. If it had been different, if it weren't for that one sheet of paper -- He knows he would have gone. And Blaine would have encouraged him every step of the way, because Blaine would never hold him back. But what that would have done to Blaine, to him, to them... That he doesn't know.
And as he watches Finn's steps falter (the train far ahead of him, already disappearing into the horizon), he is so, so grateful that neither of them will ever have to find out that it almost chokes him.
"Kurt," Blaine murmurs, as Kurt lifts his free hand to his eyes to wipe away a tear, because Finn looks so small and Blaine would look even smaller, and for this one moment, Kurt wouldn't trade places with Rachel Berry for all the lights on Broadway. He really wouldn't. He still doesn't really understand Rachel and Finn's relationship, and he still thinks that marriage would almost certainly wreck them, at least right now, but he can't imagine how much this must hurt for her. For both of them. "Kurt, I'm so sorry."
Kurt wants to tell him not to be, but he knows that Blaine wouldn't take it well, so he doesn't bother. He glances over at Blaine for just a moment, the large liquid eyes and the slightly parted lips, the aching sympathy of his expression, and smiles as best he can. Then he turns his attention back to Finn, who has stopped chasing the train and instead stands, helpless, in the suit that he will never get married in. "Come on," he says, and tugs Blaine forward. "Maybe we can't do much, but at least he doesn't have to be alone right now."
He will be alone, of course. Even with the entire glee club around him, Finn will still be alone.
And Kurt won't be. And even though it's not what he would have chosen, not what he ever dreamed of, he is grateful.
Rating: PG
Characters: Kurt/Blaine, Finn and Rachel mentioned
Words: About 650
Warnings/Spoilers: "Goodbye" (which is, really, both a spoiler and a warning)
Summary: Kurt knows what jealousy feels like. And this isn't it.
Author's Note: So robotsfighting linked this video on her tumblr, because apparently it makes her want to write stuff.
Apparently, it makes me want to write stuff too.
(Title taken from "New York" by Snow Patrol)
Kurt knows what jealousy feels like. How it tastes, bitter in the back of his mouth, how it stings in his eyes and flushes his cheeks and makes his hands curl up, neatly trimmed nails digging into the meat of his palms. He knows how it curls in his stomach and sits there, sometimes for days, weighing him down and making him sharp, narrowing his eyes and edging his every word.
He knows what jealousy feels like; and so he knows that the feeling lodged in his throat, making him blink back tears as he watches Rachel's train slide into the distance, as Finn struggles to keep up with it only to fall inexorably behind, is not jealousy.
He reaches out for Blaine's hand, tangles their fingers together, and holds on as tightly as he can.
He isn't jealous. He's grateful.
It's not that he's happy that he couldn't get into NYADA. God, no, he's not happy at all. It hurts -- his hopes were so high, and rightfully so, after everything Ms. Tibideaux said, after she made him believe that for once, he could finally have this, that someone would finally see him -- His dreams might not be shattered (it takes more than one sheet of paper, after all, to break a Hummel), but they're significantly dented, and it aches, and it burns, and he hates this more than anything. And he wants to be on that train, and he will be, someday. But there is a part of him, a little voice in the back of his head that's been growing louder and louder ever since Blaine broke down in Miss Pillsbury's office (I have to learn, next year, what being alone is gonna be like), that just can't stand the thought of going without Blaine. Of leaving him behind.
He would have, of course. If it had been different, if it weren't for that one sheet of paper -- He knows he would have gone. And Blaine would have encouraged him every step of the way, because Blaine would never hold him back. But what that would have done to Blaine, to him, to them... That he doesn't know.
And as he watches Finn's steps falter (the train far ahead of him, already disappearing into the horizon), he is so, so grateful that neither of them will ever have to find out that it almost chokes him.
"Kurt," Blaine murmurs, as Kurt lifts his free hand to his eyes to wipe away a tear, because Finn looks so small and Blaine would look even smaller, and for this one moment, Kurt wouldn't trade places with Rachel Berry for all the lights on Broadway. He really wouldn't. He still doesn't really understand Rachel and Finn's relationship, and he still thinks that marriage would almost certainly wreck them, at least right now, but he can't imagine how much this must hurt for her. For both of them. "Kurt, I'm so sorry."
Kurt wants to tell him not to be, but he knows that Blaine wouldn't take it well, so he doesn't bother. He glances over at Blaine for just a moment, the large liquid eyes and the slightly parted lips, the aching sympathy of his expression, and smiles as best he can. Then he turns his attention back to Finn, who has stopped chasing the train and instead stands, helpless, in the suit that he will never get married in. "Come on," he says, and tugs Blaine forward. "Maybe we can't do much, but at least he doesn't have to be alone right now."
He will be alone, of course. Even with the entire glee club around him, Finn will still be alone.
And Kurt won't be. And even though it's not what he would have chosen, not what he ever dreamed of, he is grateful.