let change do it's magic
I am so confused about LIFE! WHY ARE WE HERE??? WHAT IS THE PURPOSE OF HUMANS??? WHAT IS MY SIGNIFICANCE???
I just feel confused in every aspect I think. I mean, everyone out there feels like certain things happen to them only. I know I do it and I know everyone else does. When something coincidental happens, someone says something along the lines of, "the story of my life!" or "knowing my luck..." or, in lieu of Olivia, "my life is a sitcom!"
My point being, is the universe really protecting us? Is there truly such thing as Karma, or horoscopes? Do the stars lay everything out for us as our little blueprint to life? I mean, strange coincidences do happen quite a bit to EVERYONE, and we are constantly seeing certain things happen and immediately see them as "signs." So, ARE they signs, or is everything in that category absolutely ridiculous and we as people lay things out by our actions?
I am wondering because while Josh and I were together every sign imaginable pointed to us being apart. Literally. Even today, I almost called him but the moment I stepped into my car, "Better Man" by Pearl Jam was playing. It's the song that always reminds me of what a terrible person Josh is. The line, "She dreams in colors, she dreams in red...can't find a better man," just reminds me of how torn I always felt when I loved him but when I knew there had to be something more to life/love. There had to be a love where someone wouldn't do the things he did if he truly cared.
It's just sad I think. Especially the fact that Josh is in love with someone else. Just typing the words made my heart drop. It's painful. I don't think anyone can quite understand the pain I endured this last year. Watching yourself be replaced. Imagining some other girl smiling as he whispers that he loves her. I remember when Josh and I had class together and we got into a fight and he pulled my hair and slammed my face into his knee while everyone else was watching "Apocolyspe Now." So then I punched him in the nose. The fight was about the fact that he showed me a text message from Kendall that said something like, "last night was so good. You're the best I have had!" Somewhere along those lines. How cold-hearted do you have to be to show someone that? Of course I would cry, which caused him to tell me to shut up and then to slam my face. He then switched seats and told me, "She's the one I was supposed to be with, before you!" I can still hear those words. They hurt. Then Kendall called me up later that night and said, "thanks for fucking up his nose! psycho!" Ha, the last time I saw Josh he had scratch marks and bruises on his arms from her...idiot. I bet now she understands that I wasn't psycho, Josh just plays with your emotions...and he deserves it. Anyway, I think that's why I never tell Josh about other guys. Everyone thinks it's all about the fact that I'm afraid too--which is partly true--but it mostly has to do with the fact that I know how bad it hurts, and somehow I can't let him watch someone else fill his shoes. I know it would hurt him. Even when he was with Kendall 4 months, we had one of the best days we ever had. We wrestled all afternoon and he was tickling me and giving me the biggest wedgie in front of his mom and being like "mom look! haha look at how high her underwear go up!" and his mom loved it because it was just like the days when we were happy. He kept lifting me up and spinning me around and calling me chubby and feeding me and then we of course had sex on a chair in the basement. Then, as I left he came outside and said, "make out with me" and just as I leaned into it, my phone vibrated in my coat pocket and it was Steve Osborne. Josh got so mad and crazy and got on the phone and told Steve that I had a boyfriend and not to call. So this serves 3 purposes: 1) Even with Kendall in the picture, a guy calling me still affected him. 2) had Steve not called everyting would be different, and after a day like that even I may have been stupid enough to take him back. 3) So, was it a SIGN? Was something meant to corrupt such an amazing day?
Even that was 6 months ago.
When I look at today I am thankful in a million different ways. I feel like I was a slave suddenly granted freedom. I have the luxury of living life for ME...no one else, just ME. I am like 98% HAPPY. Then, though, my brain and my heart are very torn. My heart sometimes still feels very attached to him, and my brain tends to glorify everything making our former relationship look like a fairy-tale. Once I remember the truth though, I curse myself for ever having thought what we had was good. What kind of boyfriend tells you that he is done with you and you guys are over, then says, "if we have sex we'll be back together," and then forcefully does it to you while you cry in the backseat of your car and then when it's over says, "we're still over." Then, when you get out of the car he just takes your keys and drives off leaving you sitting on a tree stump. I'll tell you what kind: the kind who murder their wives later on.
That's another thing. I hate sounding like a victim. And a lot of times, what I went through was even worse than I played out. There were times he would annoy me and I would say so, and he would smother me with a pillow and then try and kiss me while squeezing my cheeks together and telling me to shut up. I just had to keep it a secret while we were together to protect him and to make sure that I didn't believe it as well. So, in effect, I often blurt things out that are personal and shouldn't be talked about. I kept it a secret for so long that now I just NEED to say it. Sometimes I wish nobody knew--I feel dumb having put up with it. But on the other hand, I want to scream out for someone to hug me and reassure me that I didn't do anything to deserve it. To tell me that not every guy will treat me like that. To remind me that NOTHING is worth going through that. And NOBODY is worth covering up for. But then, what if it just all seems too unreal for anyone else to believe? Nobody saw the bruises. So how can they be sure I'm not dramatizing the whole thing. That night Catrina spent the night she said to me, "I know I have overexaggerated things that Billy did...we all do it." And I got so mad inside. Because I know that not once have I ever had to embellish a story. Every word of it is true and more than anything I wish I could erase it. I just don't ever want to be the girl who looks for sympathy because of a situation she kept herself in. But unless someone else experiences something similar, no one can understand...
Having read that paragraph and then begun to cry, why on earth did I continue to fuck him and cuddle him and exchange "I still love you"'s for so long after our break-up last August?
One thing is certain though; and it makes me happy, yet sad. Josh doesn't know the meaning of true love. Which, makes me happy since he will never really love Kendall, but makes me sad because it makes me question that he ever really loved me. I know he doesn't really know though, because of the way he jumped into another relationship. The one thing I am SO INCREDIBLY thankful for, is the amount of knowledge I have gained as a result of all of this. I wouldn't have learned it had I not given myself a lot of time ALONE to go over it. Josh just covered it all up with something else, and for the rest of his life he will be that guy. He will never be alone. Each relationship will end with the start of a new one...
This is an incredibly long entry. But, I finally organized a lot of scattered thoughts. Reading over this, I want Olivia to know 2 things if she reads this: You are NOT watching Paolo replace you...you are watching him try and replace HIMSELF. Secondly, Paolo one-hundred percent loved you. Which is why you broke up when nothing went wrong. That's a common thing for people in love...
One other thing...I dunno if you will ever read this Jess bc you have kind of given up LiveJournal...but I want you to know that it is the most uncomfortable thing in the world to speak to you about the horrors of my relationship with Josh, but that I think it's very "stand-upish" (if that makes sense) of you to listen everytime I bring something up. I need to vent about it every now and again or I will never get 100% over it.
I STILL SCREAM OUT INSIDE ABOUT THIS (in relation to watching Josh love again so soon after something that was supposed to be "forever")
The love that you gave
that we made
wasn't able to make it enough
for you to be open wide
And everytime you speak her name
does she know how YOU TOLD ME
YOU'D HOLD ME UNTIL YOU DIED
Until you died
But you're still alive
--------------------------------------------Alanis
I just feel confused in every aspect I think. I mean, everyone out there feels like certain things happen to them only. I know I do it and I know everyone else does. When something coincidental happens, someone says something along the lines of, "the story of my life!" or "knowing my luck..." or, in lieu of Olivia, "my life is a sitcom!"
My point being, is the universe really protecting us? Is there truly such thing as Karma, or horoscopes? Do the stars lay everything out for us as our little blueprint to life? I mean, strange coincidences do happen quite a bit to EVERYONE, and we are constantly seeing certain things happen and immediately see them as "signs." So, ARE they signs, or is everything in that category absolutely ridiculous and we as people lay things out by our actions?
I am wondering because while Josh and I were together every sign imaginable pointed to us being apart. Literally. Even today, I almost called him but the moment I stepped into my car, "Better Man" by Pearl Jam was playing. It's the song that always reminds me of what a terrible person Josh is. The line, "She dreams in colors, she dreams in red...can't find a better man," just reminds me of how torn I always felt when I loved him but when I knew there had to be something more to life/love. There had to be a love where someone wouldn't do the things he did if he truly cared.
It's just sad I think. Especially the fact that Josh is in love with someone else. Just typing the words made my heart drop. It's painful. I don't think anyone can quite understand the pain I endured this last year. Watching yourself be replaced. Imagining some other girl smiling as he whispers that he loves her. I remember when Josh and I had class together and we got into a fight and he pulled my hair and slammed my face into his knee while everyone else was watching "Apocolyspe Now." So then I punched him in the nose. The fight was about the fact that he showed me a text message from Kendall that said something like, "last night was so good. You're the best I have had!" Somewhere along those lines. How cold-hearted do you have to be to show someone that? Of course I would cry, which caused him to tell me to shut up and then to slam my face. He then switched seats and told me, "She's the one I was supposed to be with, before you!" I can still hear those words. They hurt. Then Kendall called me up later that night and said, "thanks for fucking up his nose! psycho!" Ha, the last time I saw Josh he had scratch marks and bruises on his arms from her...idiot. I bet now she understands that I wasn't psycho, Josh just plays with your emotions...and he deserves it. Anyway, I think that's why I never tell Josh about other guys. Everyone thinks it's all about the fact that I'm afraid too--which is partly true--but it mostly has to do with the fact that I know how bad it hurts, and somehow I can't let him watch someone else fill his shoes. I know it would hurt him. Even when he was with Kendall 4 months, we had one of the best days we ever had. We wrestled all afternoon and he was tickling me and giving me the biggest wedgie in front of his mom and being like "mom look! haha look at how high her underwear go up!" and his mom loved it because it was just like the days when we were happy. He kept lifting me up and spinning me around and calling me chubby and feeding me and then we of course had sex on a chair in the basement. Then, as I left he came outside and said, "make out with me" and just as I leaned into it, my phone vibrated in my coat pocket and it was Steve Osborne. Josh got so mad and crazy and got on the phone and told Steve that I had a boyfriend and not to call. So this serves 3 purposes: 1) Even with Kendall in the picture, a guy calling me still affected him. 2) had Steve not called everyting would be different, and after a day like that even I may have been stupid enough to take him back. 3) So, was it a SIGN? Was something meant to corrupt such an amazing day?
Even that was 6 months ago.
When I look at today I am thankful in a million different ways. I feel like I was a slave suddenly granted freedom. I have the luxury of living life for ME...no one else, just ME. I am like 98% HAPPY. Then, though, my brain and my heart are very torn. My heart sometimes still feels very attached to him, and my brain tends to glorify everything making our former relationship look like a fairy-tale. Once I remember the truth though, I curse myself for ever having thought what we had was good. What kind of boyfriend tells you that he is done with you and you guys are over, then says, "if we have sex we'll be back together," and then forcefully does it to you while you cry in the backseat of your car and then when it's over says, "we're still over." Then, when you get out of the car he just takes your keys and drives off leaving you sitting on a tree stump. I'll tell you what kind: the kind who murder their wives later on.
That's another thing. I hate sounding like a victim. And a lot of times, what I went through was even worse than I played out. There were times he would annoy me and I would say so, and he would smother me with a pillow and then try and kiss me while squeezing my cheeks together and telling me to shut up. I just had to keep it a secret while we were together to protect him and to make sure that I didn't believe it as well. So, in effect, I often blurt things out that are personal and shouldn't be talked about. I kept it a secret for so long that now I just NEED to say it. Sometimes I wish nobody knew--I feel dumb having put up with it. But on the other hand, I want to scream out for someone to hug me and reassure me that I didn't do anything to deserve it. To tell me that not every guy will treat me like that. To remind me that NOTHING is worth going through that. And NOBODY is worth covering up for. But then, what if it just all seems too unreal for anyone else to believe? Nobody saw the bruises. So how can they be sure I'm not dramatizing the whole thing. That night Catrina spent the night she said to me, "I know I have overexaggerated things that Billy did...we all do it." And I got so mad inside. Because I know that not once have I ever had to embellish a story. Every word of it is true and more than anything I wish I could erase it. I just don't ever want to be the girl who looks for sympathy because of a situation she kept herself in. But unless someone else experiences something similar, no one can understand...
Having read that paragraph and then begun to cry, why on earth did I continue to fuck him and cuddle him and exchange "I still love you"'s for so long after our break-up last August?
One thing is certain though; and it makes me happy, yet sad. Josh doesn't know the meaning of true love. Which, makes me happy since he will never really love Kendall, but makes me sad because it makes me question that he ever really loved me. I know he doesn't really know though, because of the way he jumped into another relationship. The one thing I am SO INCREDIBLY thankful for, is the amount of knowledge I have gained as a result of all of this. I wouldn't have learned it had I not given myself a lot of time ALONE to go over it. Josh just covered it all up with something else, and for the rest of his life he will be that guy. He will never be alone. Each relationship will end with the start of a new one...
This is an incredibly long entry. But, I finally organized a lot of scattered thoughts. Reading over this, I want Olivia to know 2 things if she reads this: You are NOT watching Paolo replace you...you are watching him try and replace HIMSELF. Secondly, Paolo one-hundred percent loved you. Which is why you broke up when nothing went wrong. That's a common thing for people in love...
One other thing...I dunno if you will ever read this Jess bc you have kind of given up LiveJournal...but I want you to know that it is the most uncomfortable thing in the world to speak to you about the horrors of my relationship with Josh, but that I think it's very "stand-upish" (if that makes sense) of you to listen everytime I bring something up. I need to vent about it every now and again or I will never get 100% over it.
I STILL SCREAM OUT INSIDE ABOUT THIS (in relation to watching Josh love again so soon after something that was supposed to be "forever")
The love that you gave
that we made
wasn't able to make it enough
for you to be open wide
And everytime you speak her name
does she know how YOU TOLD ME
YOU'D HOLD ME UNTIL YOU DIED
Until you died
But you're still alive
--------------------------------------------Alanis