In this small and cruel world.

[lookarobot]

I think I might be losing my mind and one of the biggest problems is that I can't figure out why. I don't know if I've just put too much stress on myself or what. Or maybe it's simply that things really do suck right now. Nothing adds up. Nothing makes sense. Everything is just some jumbled pile of confusion that makes me laugh or cry but feel nothing but hysteria. When I go crazy, I want someone to hold me, but there's no one there. I just wrap up in the blankets and wallow in self pity and lift my hands to surrender to some unknown god. I want to know why I'm here. I want to know why I'm not dead yet. Why are people so cruel and so mean and so disheartened? I had someone tell me today that they liked it better when we weren't talking... it was someone who i used to love, and I'll admit it, i kept talking to him because I didn't want to be over him. Today, I had someone tell me that no one I will ever meet will like me. This person didn't even know me... had never met me... had never had a real conversation with me. Today I felt like a worthless piece of shit. This is what I dislike about the weekends: they leave me too much time to think. I like the weekly routine of Monday through Friday because there, in that rigid rule of school and politics I can busy myself with more than I can handle and get utterly exhausted and sleep. I met a guy, but now he avoids me. Used me, and now avoids me. And I can't help but think... that the one person that actually shows me affection through words might be the right one, the person I'm looking for, but I'm overlooking him because he doesn't look like the man that I always thought I'd be with. Just because he doesn't look like a figure in a dream. But he doesn't live here. He's not next door. But he keeps saying he wants to be with me and I just don't know. I don't want a long distance relationship... I want to go over to his place, ride around in his car, go to dinner, hold hands... like normal people do. Like normal people do.

dear... did you know?