(no subject)
So here I am at home, still confused as when I left, just more tired from crying. sometimes I think crying is so useless, but then sometimes so helpful..
Well this weekend it was useless for me. I enjoyed this weekend, but at the same time I hated it, I wasn't myself, I was some random person that sat around doing nothing.. I hated it I couldn't get happy. When I was happy it was only for a short time...
Maybe going to Bc is the wrong plan?.. Maybe I'm not going to get happier just more depressed?.. I missing so much here. Just so much is going to happen, I'm going to miss CY06, I going to miss my mom moving out of her house, and fixing the house up. So much and I think if I miss it I won't come back, maybe I won't just because I don't have to, or I just don't want to.
I just don't know I wish things were more clear, but people kept saying trust God this weekend and the only time I did was singing in front of all those people.. I really love worshiping, but I was so afraid that I was offkey all the time that I would just move alot and stay away from the mic. I don't know I love to sing but I get tone deaf when I can't hear anything.
But yah the other time I trusted him was when I was reading psalms. It was werid everytime I open up the Bible I that what I opened it up to I would just read and everything made me feel so happy and close to God..
The other time I felt close to God was during Mel, and Jeff testiomonies, They made me feel like I was here for a reason and that I would find God in my life... At the same time made me feel stupid for worrying about my life because I don't have any horrible story that makes no sense to me.
I miss everyone at the retreat and as much as I just wanted to leave I didn't. I was such a mess this weekend, and all I want to do is run and get rid of some of this energy that I can't get rid of crying, I want to yell I want to scream I wish things would make sense, and right now I don't know if I'm closer to God or farther than I've ever been.
I know I love him for everything he did, but Why? why would someone want to give their life up for so many people, I've never done anything to deserve any of that and I feel stupid and mean everytime I sin or do something bad, or get angry. Like we would sing a song, that said "my sin would keep him there," and I would always think am I still keeping him there?? I just don't know all I want to do is scream and yell and tell the world that I hate it, I want to go to the mountain and climb to the top and scream on the top of my lungs to God, and just talk with him, make him understand me, or Make me understand him. I don't know.. I really don't.
Maybe if I just calm down talk to someone, but who, everyone I think won't understand me won't understand anything I say, they will just hide and tell me I'm stupid, or I'm not stupid and I need time for myself, but there is so much other hurt in the world that needs help I can't sit around helping myself.
I guess I should just stop rambling.
Thanks to everyone that read this, It means alot. What it says I really don't know it just came out.
For now. the confused confused Human that could run away forever
Kella
Well this weekend it was useless for me. I enjoyed this weekend, but at the same time I hated it, I wasn't myself, I was some random person that sat around doing nothing.. I hated it I couldn't get happy. When I was happy it was only for a short time...
Maybe going to Bc is the wrong plan?.. Maybe I'm not going to get happier just more depressed?.. I missing so much here. Just so much is going to happen, I'm going to miss CY06, I going to miss my mom moving out of her house, and fixing the house up. So much and I think if I miss it I won't come back, maybe I won't just because I don't have to, or I just don't want to.
I just don't know I wish things were more clear, but people kept saying trust God this weekend and the only time I did was singing in front of all those people.. I really love worshiping, but I was so afraid that I was offkey all the time that I would just move alot and stay away from the mic. I don't know I love to sing but I get tone deaf when I can't hear anything.
But yah the other time I trusted him was when I was reading psalms. It was werid everytime I open up the Bible I that what I opened it up to I would just read and everything made me feel so happy and close to God..
The other time I felt close to God was during Mel, and Jeff testiomonies, They made me feel like I was here for a reason and that I would find God in my life... At the same time made me feel stupid for worrying about my life because I don't have any horrible story that makes no sense to me.
I miss everyone at the retreat and as much as I just wanted to leave I didn't. I was such a mess this weekend, and all I want to do is run and get rid of some of this energy that I can't get rid of crying, I want to yell I want to scream I wish things would make sense, and right now I don't know if I'm closer to God or farther than I've ever been.
I know I love him for everything he did, but Why? why would someone want to give their life up for so many people, I've never done anything to deserve any of that and I feel stupid and mean everytime I sin or do something bad, or get angry. Like we would sing a song, that said "my sin would keep him there," and I would always think am I still keeping him there?? I just don't know all I want to do is scream and yell and tell the world that I hate it, I want to go to the mountain and climb to the top and scream on the top of my lungs to God, and just talk with him, make him understand me, or Make me understand him. I don't know.. I really don't.
Maybe if I just calm down talk to someone, but who, everyone I think won't understand me won't understand anything I say, they will just hide and tell me I'm stupid, or I'm not stupid and I need time for myself, but there is so much other hurt in the world that needs help I can't sit around helping myself.
I guess I should just stop rambling.
Thanks to everyone that read this, It means alot. What it says I really don't know it just came out.
For now. the confused confused Human that could run away forever
Kella