January 14, 2010
I don't know what I need. I'm not sure what it is that even keeps me sane. I have this insatiable urge to just...I don't even know what. Cry? Maybe. I think--no, I know that my life isn't so bad. Things can always get worse, no matter how bad they seem. True, my car doesn't work right now and will probably cost a good deal of money I don't have to fix. True, I'm trying to suppress feelings during the day that my subconscious mind obviously likes to draw out when I have no control (if my dreams are anything to go by). Sure, I'm hanging on to a past that doesn't really want nor need me anymore and that makes me sad, but how am I supposed to change that?
Hanging on isn't the problem. I can latch myself to something and never let go. The problem is having someone on the other end willing to hold on to ME if I start to slip. There are three true connections that I still have; one will cease to exist in a matter of six to seven months, one gives me the feeling that they don't want me around anymore, and the third...well, that one is up for interpretation. If I keep the part of the connection I want with this third person, I'll have to give up the connection to the whole. I know this doesn't make any sense to an outsider (outside of my mind, that is); as if I expect anyone to read this at all. So really, it doesn't matter all that much. I can ramble to my heart's content. No one but me will have to make sense of it later.
In short, I'm afraid of losing it.
But how can you lose something you don't really have anymore?
I want to go back to sleep because before I woke up today I was mostly happy. That sounds absurd, but apparently only my subconscious mind knows how to keep me sane. Alas, if only it would leak out into my waking state.
I need to get it together.
Hanging on isn't the problem. I can latch myself to something and never let go. The problem is having someone on the other end willing to hold on to ME if I start to slip. There are three true connections that I still have; one will cease to exist in a matter of six to seven months, one gives me the feeling that they don't want me around anymore, and the third...well, that one is up for interpretation. If I keep the part of the connection I want with this third person, I'll have to give up the connection to the whole. I know this doesn't make any sense to an outsider (outside of my mind, that is); as if I expect anyone to read this at all. So really, it doesn't matter all that much. I can ramble to my heart's content. No one but me will have to make sense of it later.
In short, I'm afraid of losing it.
But how can you lose something you don't really have anymore?
I want to go back to sleep because before I woke up today I was mostly happy. That sounds absurd, but apparently only my subconscious mind knows how to keep me sane. Alas, if only it would leak out into my waking state.
I need to get it together.