omg two entries in one day whoa
So, I've been thinking a lot all day.. Well last night was really really really fun ahhh it was awesome, I got really drunk with hannah we saw the best band ever MY BLOODY VALENTINE and ate really good food and it was just so fun... BUT when we went on the train I saw steve and it was the most awkward thing I've probably ever experienced, it wouldn't have been as bad if I wasn't really drunk I could have handled it, but really.. I couldn't handle it at all, I just ignored him completely and we got out of the train and switched cars and I walked RIGHT PAST HIM and it was so weird I felt so terrible. Then he texted me like "hahhaha" and I'm like oh okay? Way to make me feel worse, I mean he probably felt shitty too, but when he told me he didn't want to be my friend 34479023048204 times I felt pretty shitty but I didn't make him feel worse about it. Or when he IMed me when he was drunk or when he said all that stuff in his car that made me wanna die I didn't make him feel worse I just let him talk and let him do whatever he had to do to deal with it. He deleted me on myspace, facebook everything and it just seemed everything he said online like his away message was directed towards how he thinks I'm an asshole. So, I know this wasn't a smart thing to do, I IMed him and told him off but I felt really bad about it when I woke up today. We talked on myspace and we were just really mean to each other and I feel horrible about it.
Yeah so, I probably won't talk to him for a long time and I don't think the whole friends thing would work out... I think it would have been different if we were actually friends and I was drunk and I didn't care and I'd be all like hey lol i'm drunk but I guess I just felt really awkward about seeing him irl in general so being under the influence made me freak out.
I feel so bad and so I don't know I feel like he thinks I'm some crazy bitch that just doesn't give a shit and will just break everyone's heart when I'm not like that at all... I guess ex's always think stuff like that so they can feel a little better about feeling hurt by the other person. I felt that way when me and justin broke up like 2 years ago, I felt like omg he never cared about me if he did he wouldn't have done that to me ahhh.. but in reality people break up all the time, things don't work out, I don't know a lot of people who intentionally go into a relationship wanting to mess with the other person's head and break their heart. People break up all the time and I didn't do anything wrong, I can't be in a relationship with someone just so I don't break their heart and I don't want to be in a relationship like that with someone else either. I'm not a bad person, I'm not the best person but I'm trying, I'm trying to be a better person. I really don't want to be in a serious relationship for a long time, I don't want that pressure even though it feels good to be in love and to have someone. I don't want to just settle, I need to be more like adam lol and be really picky and not just jump head first into whatever feels good at the time if I want anything to work. I need to see warning signs, I need to not fall for someone so fast, I need to not latch on to someone or seem dependent, I can't just rush into anything it never works out it feels so good but it's too fast.. and even if I do wait a while that doesn't mean that it's gonna last, I just need to find someone that makes me feel 100% and not doubtful at all, but is that even realistic?
I've tried to come up with a list of the qualities I want in someone else but I don't even know if it's just shallow, unrealistic or what. I'd really want to date a cute guy who has a cool style and plays a lot of video games, someone who's smart and funny but doesn't make me feel stupid or like he's talking down to me, someone who doesn't drink too much, someone who wants to do fun stuff but can just do nothing too, someone who will play mmorpgs with me even those cheesy free ones like mabinogi x3 someone who will watch anime with me and we can buy boxsets together and share em just so we don't have to pay like 50+ bucks each.. i mean even though we can download it for free =/ someone who wants to go to disney world with me and watch the fireworks and watch toy story 90 times in a row.. someone who will get me muppet baby vhs tapes from amazon for my birthday instead of something lame like flowers fuck that i hate that they always die, someone who will go to cool asian vegetarian restaurants or just vegetarian restaurants in general, someone who always knows how i'm feeling, someone who will make me feel like i'm the only person in the world when we're in a room with 50 people or when we're hanging out with a bunch of people, someone who will watch foreign films with me and not care about reading subtitles, someone who doesn't care that sometimes i type like this, someone who will drive to my job to bring me pizza and soda when i'm so hungry ;__; someone who wants to go to the zoo in washington dc someone who likes to just look at the stars and talk about aliens, someone who loves to tell scary stories and tells the best ones someone who will surprise me with cute lil pokemon toys to add to my collection someone who wants to get pokemon tattooos together and just do dumb shit that we're gonna regret later but who cares because we can't live two lives we just have one okay i think i'm done but there might be more..
i think if i ever found someone like that they wouldn't like me as much as i would like them and maybe i need to become a better person socially, like really appreciate my relationships i have with people and let them know that because i can be a hermit and i can be very introverted and very either way when it comes to friends and i shouldn't be like that, i wish summer just started so that i had a lot more free time and i can just work on my relationships and make new ones and not distance myself anymore
Yeah so, I probably won't talk to him for a long time and I don't think the whole friends thing would work out... I think it would have been different if we were actually friends and I was drunk and I didn't care and I'd be all like hey lol i'm drunk but I guess I just felt really awkward about seeing him irl in general so being under the influence made me freak out.
I feel so bad and so I don't know I feel like he thinks I'm some crazy bitch that just doesn't give a shit and will just break everyone's heart when I'm not like that at all... I guess ex's always think stuff like that so they can feel a little better about feeling hurt by the other person. I felt that way when me and justin broke up like 2 years ago, I felt like omg he never cared about me if he did he wouldn't have done that to me ahhh.. but in reality people break up all the time, things don't work out, I don't know a lot of people who intentionally go into a relationship wanting to mess with the other person's head and break their heart. People break up all the time and I didn't do anything wrong, I can't be in a relationship with someone just so I don't break their heart and I don't want to be in a relationship like that with someone else either. I'm not a bad person, I'm not the best person but I'm trying, I'm trying to be a better person. I really don't want to be in a serious relationship for a long time, I don't want that pressure even though it feels good to be in love and to have someone. I don't want to just settle, I need to be more like adam lol and be really picky and not just jump head first into whatever feels good at the time if I want anything to work. I need to see warning signs, I need to not fall for someone so fast, I need to not latch on to someone or seem dependent, I can't just rush into anything it never works out it feels so good but it's too fast.. and even if I do wait a while that doesn't mean that it's gonna last, I just need to find someone that makes me feel 100% and not doubtful at all, but is that even realistic?
I've tried to come up with a list of the qualities I want in someone else but I don't even know if it's just shallow, unrealistic or what. I'd really want to date a cute guy who has a cool style and plays a lot of video games, someone who's smart and funny but doesn't make me feel stupid or like he's talking down to me, someone who doesn't drink too much, someone who wants to do fun stuff but can just do nothing too, someone who will play mmorpgs with me even those cheesy free ones like mabinogi x3 someone who will watch anime with me and we can buy boxsets together and share em just so we don't have to pay like 50+ bucks each.. i mean even though we can download it for free =/ someone who wants to go to disney world with me and watch the fireworks and watch toy story 90 times in a row.. someone who will get me muppet baby vhs tapes from amazon for my birthday instead of something lame like flowers fuck that i hate that they always die, someone who will go to cool asian vegetarian restaurants or just vegetarian restaurants in general, someone who always knows how i'm feeling, someone who will make me feel like i'm the only person in the world when we're in a room with 50 people or when we're hanging out with a bunch of people, someone who will watch foreign films with me and not care about reading subtitles, someone who doesn't care that sometimes i type like this, someone who will drive to my job to bring me pizza and soda when i'm so hungry ;__; someone who wants to go to the zoo in washington dc someone who likes to just look at the stars and talk about aliens, someone who loves to tell scary stories and tells the best ones someone who will surprise me with cute lil pokemon toys to add to my collection someone who wants to get pokemon tattooos together and just do dumb shit that we're gonna regret later but who cares because we can't live two lives we just have one okay i think i'm done but there might be more..
i think if i ever found someone like that they wouldn't like me as much as i would like them and maybe i need to become a better person socially, like really appreciate my relationships i have with people and let them know that because i can be a hermit and i can be very introverted and very either way when it comes to friends and i shouldn't be like that, i wish summer just started so that i had a lot more free time and i can just work on my relationships and make new ones and not distance myself anymore