what's normal anyway?
Well, I have an interview with UPS in roughly two hours; we shall see how that goes. Right now, I'm really having trouble focusing on it though.
My step grandma has been put on "comfort care," which means that they dope her up on morphine and wait for her to die. She took a turn for the worse last night- her blood pressure is irratic and uncontrollable, and they suspect that the feeding tube has caused yet another infection.
Nonetheless, she's totally out of it, without much chance of even being lucid again, let alone well. The ironic thing- her oxygen levels are up and she's breathing and coughing now, getting strength in her lungs- things that she was unable to do for months, and that actually caused much of her distress.
All this from a car accident and simple broken bones.
I feel like a total ass because I haven't gone and visited her since she had the accident. She really didn't want people to visit her and see her that way, being that the hospital gowns didn't fit, she was basically diapered and very uncomfortable. Family was allowed, but with all the tensions and things, I felt like I'd just be in the way. And as much as I love them, and they love me, I hardly feel like family.
I can make all the excuses I want I guess- I was trying to help out around the house and with my sister so that others could be there; I hate hospitals and nursing homes; it was just a few broken bones, nothing near organs or anything, and who would have thought- but it really doesn't change the fact that I was distinctly absent to her, and I failed. And this pattern just kills me. I always seem to fail at loving people. I either fall very short, not doing enough, or I go out of my way to come off as offensive as possible it seems.
I wish I had more than "I'm sorry"s to give.
Yesterday was also a sort of milestone for me; 9 years ago.. yeah. I thought about posting about it, but I couldn't bring myself to- I'd bet most of you know the story anyway and would probably laugh, or at least wonder why I remember it, if you knew what yesterday marked. Its kind of fitting that it is also the day that marks the chaos and turmoil at Kent State. I can still hear "Fields of Gold" when I close my eyes.
My step grandma has been put on "comfort care," which means that they dope her up on morphine and wait for her to die. She took a turn for the worse last night- her blood pressure is irratic and uncontrollable, and they suspect that the feeding tube has caused yet another infection.
Nonetheless, she's totally out of it, without much chance of even being lucid again, let alone well. The ironic thing- her oxygen levels are up and she's breathing and coughing now, getting strength in her lungs- things that she was unable to do for months, and that actually caused much of her distress.
All this from a car accident and simple broken bones.
I feel like a total ass because I haven't gone and visited her since she had the accident. She really didn't want people to visit her and see her that way, being that the hospital gowns didn't fit, she was basically diapered and very uncomfortable. Family was allowed, but with all the tensions and things, I felt like I'd just be in the way. And as much as I love them, and they love me, I hardly feel like family.
I can make all the excuses I want I guess- I was trying to help out around the house and with my sister so that others could be there; I hate hospitals and nursing homes; it was just a few broken bones, nothing near organs or anything, and who would have thought- but it really doesn't change the fact that I was distinctly absent to her, and I failed. And this pattern just kills me. I always seem to fail at loving people. I either fall very short, not doing enough, or I go out of my way to come off as offensive as possible it seems.
I wish I had more than "I'm sorry"s to give.
Yesterday was also a sort of milestone for me; 9 years ago.. yeah. I thought about posting about it, but I couldn't bring myself to- I'd bet most of you know the story anyway and would probably laugh, or at least wonder why I remember it, if you knew what yesterday marked. Its kind of fitting that it is also the day that marks the chaos and turmoil at Kent State. I can still hear "Fields of Gold" when I close my eyes.