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Okay, so, for the most part, I'm just broadly commenting on what was going on in my head when I wrote things for this meme, but I was randomly cruising this flist and saw that wanttobeatree had done real, line-by-line director commentary for hers and it looked like lots of fun, so I wanted to try that out for at least one fic. I'm going with But What Are Your Thoughts on Yaoi? because it's pretty short and I still love it. And I think I remember what I was thinking when I wrote it. So! Enjoy, I guess.
So I started watching SPN and Bones around the same time, because of the influence of phrenk in both cases. I'd actually already written an SPN/Bones/Psych crossover at this time, which didn't really justify why Sam and Dean knew Booth and Bones, but in my head it kind of did. So in my head, when I started writing this fic, Sam and Dean and Booth and Brennan all already knew each other and just hung out sometimes. I did absolutely nothing to explain this in this fic, and I don't think I linked the original crossover, so it kind of hilariously ended up that there was no explanation whatsoever for why they knew each other. A++!
The actual inspiration for the fic came up when I was thinking about Bones' generally special views on human relationships, and I mentioned to phrenk that I bet Bones would totally ship Sam/Dean on an anthropological level. And then this fic happened. Let's dive in!
"Have you noticed," Booth asks, "that Sam and Dean are...close?"
"They're brothers," says Brennan. "Of course they're close."
"No, I mean, like, close."
"Close to us? I think they're in Virginia right now."
"I mean they like each other, Bones."
"Yes, they're brothers."
"Not like brothers."
"Then like what?"
Booth stares at her for a long time. Brennan stares back. She's a good starer. "Sex, Bones. Sex."
"With each other?"
"You don't think so?" I don't remember why I decided to have Booth be aware of this first, other than that I didn't think Bones would notice on her own. Also, I kind of love it when Booth is responsible for his own pain. Oh Booth, you brought this on yourself! You never should have said you were going to a restaurant.
Brennan considers this. "No, I don't think Sam and Dean are currently in a sexual relationship. But they're two attractive, virile young men who don't have much meaningful contact with other people. So it wouldn't be surprising if they developed feelings for each other."
Booth stares some more. "Only you would say that gay incest isn't surprising." This line here was pretty much my inspiration for the whole fic. BONES UNDERSTANDS YOUR GAY INCEST PAIN, SAM AND DEAN.
"You were the one who brought it up."
"Yeah, because it's weird, not because it makes sense."
"But it does," says Brennan. Sidenote which I just remembered here, I hate having to name Bones in fic. Like, I love her! But I always think of her as Bones, and I'm rarely writing a narrator who would call her Bones. I also have never really figured out what I think she thinks of herself as, so I have huge amounts of trouble writing her POV because nothing she can refer to herself as sounds right. SIGH. You care about my pain.
"You know what, forget I said anything."
"No, I think it's a good idea."
"Wait, what?" asks Booth.
"They're in a stressful profession with very few emotional outlets. I think a relationship would be beneficial to both of them."
"Isn't there some kind of, I don't know, anthropological reason this is bad? Like the way it's gross?" I really love this line. I really love writing Booth, in fact. I'm never as happy with my writing as when I am writing Booth.
"Actually, many of the taboos now associated with incest arose because of genetic concerns. Since Dean and Sam can't reproduce, there isn't any real problem with the two of them having a sexual relationship."
"How about the way it's gross?"
"That's a problem for you, not for them."
"I can't believe we're having this conversation!"
"You brought it up," Brennan points out again. "What did you expect me to do?"
"I don't know, separate them for their own good?"
"Separating them would be one of the worst things I could do," says Brennan. "I think assuring Sam that there's nothing wrong with his feelings would be much more helpful."
Booth snorts. "So you're going to call Sam up and tell him to be gay for his brother? Yeah, tell me how that goes."
"I'm not going to call him and tell him to be gay for his brother."
"Thank god."
"I was going to do it over coffee." BONES IS SO SOCIALLY COMPETENT.
*
Sam likes Dr. Brennan, he really does. But she's, well.
She starts conversations with: "Booth thinks you're sexually interested in your brother, and I agree with him."
Sam spits his coffee out all over the table.
"And I think a romantic and/or sexual relationship between the two of you would be healthy."
"What?"
"You're in a unique position with a very unusual upbringing. In a way, the two of you have created your own society, one no one else can enter in to it. Any other sexual relationships are, I think, probably doomed to failure."
"Are you seriously telling me to sleep with my brother?" This fic awesomely showcases how much better I am at writing Bones voices than I am at writing SPN. Not that I think I'm bad at writing SPN voices, exactly, but Bones voices come REALLY EASILY and SPN is harder. I wish I had more ideas for Bones fic, because, yeah. Something about them is very natural for me! idk.
"Yes."
"He's my brother."
"He's also your partner and the only person with whom you have significant contact at this point."
"We're related!"
"Many of the cultural taboos associated with incest are related to reproduction," says Dr. Brennan. "Since you and your brother are incapable of reproducing, being related isn't actually a problem."
"So if you couldn't have kids, would you be with your brother?" asks Sam.
"No. But my brother and I aren't in the same position as you and Dean."
"You mean the incestuous position?" I like to assume she meant reverse cowgirl.
"It just seems as if the two of you have a deeper relationship than most siblings. And you might be happier if you embraced that relationship."
"I'm not sleeping with Dean!"
"Why not?"
"Because he's my brother!"
"And if he wasn't, you would be in a sexual relationship with him?"
"No!"
"But that's the only reason you've provided that you're not."
Sam rubs his forehead.
"I just think you should think about it," says Dr. Brennan. "Sex is an excellent way to de-stress."
"Incest isn't," Sam shoots back.
"Incest with your brother!" she says. "There's nothing biologically objectionable about that!"
Sam just goes. Some days, it's not worth it. After Sam leaves, I assume Bones just hangs out and finishes her coffee while the entire coffee shop kind of stares at her because she was just encouraging some guy to fuck his brother. Bones does not notice this at all. Bones is awesome.
*
It's not like Sam has never thought about having sex with Dean. Everyone spends so much time thinking he's having sex with Dean, it's hard not to sometimes think about it. But usually when they bring up that they're related, people stop. Passasges like this make me sad, mostly because if I'd known about "The Monster At the End of This Book" when I wrote them, I could have had Sam wondering if Brennan wrote Sam/Dean fic. Which would have been A++ awesome. I still assume that it takes place in the same universe as my later Sweets/Castiel fic, and even during season four, just because I can, and because I love the idea that Bones hooked Sam and Dean up. SO JUST PRETEND THERE IS SOME TALK HERE ABOUT FANFIC WRITERS. Everyone use your imaginations! Or I guess I could update this so it takes place in season four, but there's so little actual plot there's not a lot to do.
Of course, Dr. Brennan is weird. And has weird beliefs about people. But Sam didn't think she'd go so far as to encourage incest.
Of course, being related isn't the only reason he's not sleeping with Dean. He just always thought it was a good enough one that he never bothered thinking up any others.
*
"Sam seemed resistant to the idea of a sexual relationship with Dean," says Brennan.
"You don't say," says Booth. BOOTH. See, sometimes, I actually get a crush on my own Booth writing. And then I get confused and feel kind of narcissistic. Whatever, it's kind of nice. Most of the time I am like I AM NOT THAT GREAT AT THIS, but I feel like I write a kickass Booth. If you don't, uh. I guess you could tell me, but I'd be sad and might write angsty things in my diary. FYI.
"I think given some time, the idea will grow on him."
"I don't."
"You thought they were already together."
"I thought Dean had a thing for his brother."
"You didn't tell me that!"
"Well, you started running with it. I didn't want to encourage you."
"So you think I should have talked to Dean?"
"I think you should leave the gay brothers alone and focus on our case."
"I don't see why you told me about this if you didn't want me to help."
"See, Bones, most people don't think helping is playing matchmaker for two guys who are related."
"You all need to stop focusing so much on genetics. It really isn't a concern in this case."
"Yes, Bones, it is. Being related is always a concern."
"You're just being close-minded."
"If being against gay incest is wrong, then I don't want to be right." This is an important stand to take. Also, I never have a lot of commentary on my dialogue. It's there! Either it works for you or it doesn't. This dialogue works for me, I guess?
"Well, that's good. Because you're wrong."
"Yeah, I got that."
*
"Dean, give me one good reason we're not sleeping together," says Sam, just as Dean starts drinking his coffee. Just as planned, Dean spits out all his coffee and starts choking.
Sam laughs at him, because that was totally perfectly timed. Sam's priorities in this matter are A++, as far as I'm concerned. If he's freaking out, he wants Dean to also be freaking out.
"What?" asks Dean.
"Dr. Brennan thinks being related isn't a legitimate reason not to sleep together," says Sam, still grinning. Dean has coffee on his nose. It's awesome. "So I need something else to tell her."
"What?"
"What?"
"Why were you talking to the crazy bone chick about us sleeping together?" For some reason, I have trouble making Dean refer to Bones by name. I can't really see him calling her Dr. Brennan with the title, Brennan doesn't work for me either, Bones is Booth's name, and Temperance is...yeah. So I never know what to have Dean call her.
"She brought it up. She thinks we should be sleeping together."
"Dude, you aren't allowed to have friends anymore."
"She's not my friend, she's..."
"A crazy bone chick who wants us to fuck."
"Pretty much."
"Why?"
Sam shrugs, kind of uncomfortable, finally. The awkwardness of discussing hypothetical incest had to come sometime. "Because we've created our own society based on shared experiences that no one else can understand."
"Uh huh," says Dean. "Let's try that again in English."
"Because we get each other," says Sam, and it sounds like a way better argument when he says it like that.
"Huh."
"So I need to tell her why else I won't sleep with you."
Dean considers. "Nah, I got nothing."
"What?"
"Hey, man, have you seen me? I'm god's gift to sex. Seriously, everyone should want to bone me." Dean brings up an excellent point here.
"But I'm your brother!"
"I thought we weren't counting that as a reason."
"So if I wasn't your brother, you'd fuck me?"
"Eh," says Dean.
"Dean!"
"Dude, you know me. I'm easy."
"You like girls!"
"Exactly."
It takes a minute for this to sink in. "I'm not a girl, Dean!" Yes you are.
"Could've fooled me."
"I hate you so much."
"Aww, baby, don't be that way."
"So you seriously...you're really saying that if we weren't related, you'd have sex with me."
"I never said that. You said that and I didn't say no."
Sam scrubs his hand across his face. "I can't believe we're having this conversation."
"You brought it up."
"You were supposed to help!"
"I am helping."
"How?"
"Okay, I'm not helping."
"God, this is so stupid."
"You can say that again."
"There's a really simple way to solve this," says Sam.
"There is?"
"Yeah. Just...stand up."
Dean looks confused and kind of wary, but he stands. Sam crosses the room, puts down Dean's coffee cup, and gets right in his personal space.
"Uh. Sammy?"
"Look, I just...we try it and it's terrible and then I can just...tell Dr. Brennan she's nuts."
"Yeah, she's totally the crazy one right now," says Dean. "Sam--"
It's going to be a terrible kiss and then they're never going to talk about it again, and Sam is going to tell Dr. Brennan she's insane.
Except five minutes later, they're still kissing, and it's unbelievably good.
"Huh," says Sam.
"You're so lucky I like girls," says Dean.
*
"We're not sending a fruit basket," says Dean the next day. I don't know why fruit baskets ever came up. I think that's just what Sam assumes normal people do when they are grateful. Sam has interesting beliefs.
"Well we have to thank her somehow."
"I don't care how gay you are now," says Dean, " we are not sending a fucking fruit basket."
"Flowers?"
"No."
"We have to do something!"
"Can't you just call her and say, like, thanks for reminding me my brother is smoking hot and has a monster dick?" Bones would probably appreciate this card. She might ask for measurements on Dean's monster dick.
"I am never saying that to Dr. Brennan," Sam objects.
"Oh, and sending her a fruit basket is better." It is.
*
"Sam and Dean are now sexually involved," says Brennan. Booth nearly swerves the car off the road. "Do you want me to drive?" I love Bones.
"No! God, Bones, you can't just say that to a guy!"
"Why not? I told you we'd been discussing it."
"Look, I don't want to know about the Winchesters' sex life. Hell, they're already felons who are wanted for breaking a ton of laws. Do you really have to tell me when they break more laws?" Here is another example of how there is no backstory here. Like, how did they meet? How did Bones and Booth discover what Dean and Sam do? The mysteries are endless! Just in my brain SPN and Bones crossing over is taken for granted, so I end up ignoring the details. Well done, self.
"You're responsible for their relationship. I thought you'd be happy to hear that it's working out for them."
"No, Bones. If I inspire you to convince two brothers to have gay sex? I don't want to hear about it. I want you to never mention it again."
"Fine."
"Fine. Good. Let's talk about the case."
"You know, brother and brother incest isn't specifically prohibited in the Bible." I imagine Bones starts a lot of moral arguments with this, because Bones can come up with a lot of questionable things that the bible has never specifically taken on.
"I did not know that. I could have gone my whole life without knowing that."
"I'm just saying."
"Bones, stop just saying. Stop talking. We're done. We're never talking about this again."
"I told them we'd go bowling with them. Does that mean we're not going bowling with them?"
"Why did you tell them that?"
"Sam wanted to thank me. I suggested bowling."
"Of course you did."
"I can cancel."
"No, no. We can go bowling with the incestuous brothers, and then we're never talking about this again." The sequels I have written tell a different story, Booth. A Sweets/Castiel story.
"Should I ask Sweets if he wants to come? Will that make it better?"
"No. Having a therapist on our double date with gay brothers would not make it better." I like how I put this in before Sweets/Castiel was a thing for me. In fact, before Castiel existed. It's like I'm psychic or something. Or like I just love Sweets. Whatever.
"I can ask them to not be physically affectionate in front of you."
"Yeah, that would be nice."
"Would a fruit basket help? That was Sam's other idea."
"No," says Booth finally, with a long sigh. "A fruit basket would not help."
Okay! I dunno. I didn't say a lot about stuff there. I STILL LOVE THIS FIC ANY QUESTIONS.
OH YEAH the title is an old Fandom_Wank meme! Which started my trend of naming Bones fic with bizarre internet terminology. Defined by Urban Dictionary here, for those unfamiliar with the phrase. Bones is totally the kind of person who would give a three-paragraph reply with her thoughts on yaoi and totally miss the point.
So I started watching SPN and Bones around the same time, because of the influence of phrenk in both cases. I'd actually already written an SPN/Bones/Psych crossover at this time, which didn't really justify why Sam and Dean knew Booth and Bones, but in my head it kind of did. So in my head, when I started writing this fic, Sam and Dean and Booth and Brennan all already knew each other and just hung out sometimes. I did absolutely nothing to explain this in this fic, and I don't think I linked the original crossover, so it kind of hilariously ended up that there was no explanation whatsoever for why they knew each other. A++!
The actual inspiration for the fic came up when I was thinking about Bones' generally special views on human relationships, and I mentioned to phrenk that I bet Bones would totally ship Sam/Dean on an anthropological level. And then this fic happened. Let's dive in!
"Have you noticed," Booth asks, "that Sam and Dean are...close?"
"They're brothers," says Brennan. "Of course they're close."
"No, I mean, like, close."
"Close to us? I think they're in Virginia right now."
"I mean they like each other, Bones."
"Yes, they're brothers."
"Not like brothers."
"Then like what?"
Booth stares at her for a long time. Brennan stares back. She's a good starer. "Sex, Bones. Sex."
"With each other?"
"You don't think so?" I don't remember why I decided to have Booth be aware of this first, other than that I didn't think Bones would notice on her own. Also, I kind of love it when Booth is responsible for his own pain. Oh Booth, you brought this on yourself! You never should have said you were going to a restaurant.
Brennan considers this. "No, I don't think Sam and Dean are currently in a sexual relationship. But they're two attractive, virile young men who don't have much meaningful contact with other people. So it wouldn't be surprising if they developed feelings for each other."
Booth stares some more. "Only you would say that gay incest isn't surprising." This line here was pretty much my inspiration for the whole fic. BONES UNDERSTANDS YOUR GAY INCEST PAIN, SAM AND DEAN.
"You were the one who brought it up."
"Yeah, because it's weird, not because it makes sense."
"But it does," says Brennan. Sidenote which I just remembered here, I hate having to name Bones in fic. Like, I love her! But I always think of her as Bones, and I'm rarely writing a narrator who would call her Bones. I also have never really figured out what I think she thinks of herself as, so I have huge amounts of trouble writing her POV because nothing she can refer to herself as sounds right. SIGH. You care about my pain.
"You know what, forget I said anything."
"No, I think it's a good idea."
"Wait, what?" asks Booth.
"They're in a stressful profession with very few emotional outlets. I think a relationship would be beneficial to both of them."
"Isn't there some kind of, I don't know, anthropological reason this is bad? Like the way it's gross?" I really love this line. I really love writing Booth, in fact. I'm never as happy with my writing as when I am writing Booth.
"Actually, many of the taboos now associated with incest arose because of genetic concerns. Since Dean and Sam can't reproduce, there isn't any real problem with the two of them having a sexual relationship."
"How about the way it's gross?"
"That's a problem for you, not for them."
"I can't believe we're having this conversation!"
"You brought it up," Brennan points out again. "What did you expect me to do?"
"I don't know, separate them for their own good?"
"Separating them would be one of the worst things I could do," says Brennan. "I think assuring Sam that there's nothing wrong with his feelings would be much more helpful."
Booth snorts. "So you're going to call Sam up and tell him to be gay for his brother? Yeah, tell me how that goes."
"I'm not going to call him and tell him to be gay for his brother."
"Thank god."
"I was going to do it over coffee." BONES IS SO SOCIALLY COMPETENT.
*
Sam likes Dr. Brennan, he really does. But she's, well.
She starts conversations with: "Booth thinks you're sexually interested in your brother, and I agree with him."
Sam spits his coffee out all over the table.
"And I think a romantic and/or sexual relationship between the two of you would be healthy."
"What?"
"You're in a unique position with a very unusual upbringing. In a way, the two of you have created your own society, one no one else can enter in to it. Any other sexual relationships are, I think, probably doomed to failure."
"Are you seriously telling me to sleep with my brother?" This fic awesomely showcases how much better I am at writing Bones voices than I am at writing SPN. Not that I think I'm bad at writing SPN voices, exactly, but Bones voices come REALLY EASILY and SPN is harder. I wish I had more ideas for Bones fic, because, yeah. Something about them is very natural for me! idk.
"Yes."
"He's my brother."
"He's also your partner and the only person with whom you have significant contact at this point."
"We're related!"
"Many of the cultural taboos associated with incest are related to reproduction," says Dr. Brennan. "Since you and your brother are incapable of reproducing, being related isn't actually a problem."
"So if you couldn't have kids, would you be with your brother?" asks Sam.
"No. But my brother and I aren't in the same position as you and Dean."
"You mean the incestuous position?" I like to assume she meant reverse cowgirl.
"It just seems as if the two of you have a deeper relationship than most siblings. And you might be happier if you embraced that relationship."
"I'm not sleeping with Dean!"
"Why not?"
"Because he's my brother!"
"And if he wasn't, you would be in a sexual relationship with him?"
"No!"
"But that's the only reason you've provided that you're not."
Sam rubs his forehead.
"I just think you should think about it," says Dr. Brennan. "Sex is an excellent way to de-stress."
"Incest isn't," Sam shoots back.
"Incest with your brother!" she says. "There's nothing biologically objectionable about that!"
Sam just goes. Some days, it's not worth it. After Sam leaves, I assume Bones just hangs out and finishes her coffee while the entire coffee shop kind of stares at her because she was just encouraging some guy to fuck his brother. Bones does not notice this at all. Bones is awesome.
*
It's not like Sam has never thought about having sex with Dean. Everyone spends so much time thinking he's having sex with Dean, it's hard not to sometimes think about it. But usually when they bring up that they're related, people stop. Passasges like this make me sad, mostly because if I'd known about "The Monster At the End of This Book" when I wrote them, I could have had Sam wondering if Brennan wrote Sam/Dean fic. Which would have been A++ awesome. I still assume that it takes place in the same universe as my later Sweets/Castiel fic, and even during season four, just because I can, and because I love the idea that Bones hooked Sam and Dean up. SO JUST PRETEND THERE IS SOME TALK HERE ABOUT FANFIC WRITERS. Everyone use your imaginations! Or I guess I could update this so it takes place in season four, but there's so little actual plot there's not a lot to do.
Of course, Dr. Brennan is weird. And has weird beliefs about people. But Sam didn't think she'd go so far as to encourage incest.
Of course, being related isn't the only reason he's not sleeping with Dean. He just always thought it was a good enough one that he never bothered thinking up any others.
*
"Sam seemed resistant to the idea of a sexual relationship with Dean," says Brennan.
"You don't say," says Booth. BOOTH. See, sometimes, I actually get a crush on my own Booth writing. And then I get confused and feel kind of narcissistic. Whatever, it's kind of nice. Most of the time I am like I AM NOT THAT GREAT AT THIS, but I feel like I write a kickass Booth. If you don't, uh. I guess you could tell me, but I'd be sad and might write angsty things in my diary. FYI.
"I think given some time, the idea will grow on him."
"I don't."
"You thought they were already together."
"I thought Dean had a thing for his brother."
"You didn't tell me that!"
"Well, you started running with it. I didn't want to encourage you."
"So you think I should have talked to Dean?"
"I think you should leave the gay brothers alone and focus on our case."
"I don't see why you told me about this if you didn't want me to help."
"See, Bones, most people don't think helping is playing matchmaker for two guys who are related."
"You all need to stop focusing so much on genetics. It really isn't a concern in this case."
"Yes, Bones, it is. Being related is always a concern."
"You're just being close-minded."
"If being against gay incest is wrong, then I don't want to be right." This is an important stand to take. Also, I never have a lot of commentary on my dialogue. It's there! Either it works for you or it doesn't. This dialogue works for me, I guess?
"Well, that's good. Because you're wrong."
"Yeah, I got that."
*
"Dean, give me one good reason we're not sleeping together," says Sam, just as Dean starts drinking his coffee. Just as planned, Dean spits out all his coffee and starts choking.
Sam laughs at him, because that was totally perfectly timed. Sam's priorities in this matter are A++, as far as I'm concerned. If he's freaking out, he wants Dean to also be freaking out.
"What?" asks Dean.
"Dr. Brennan thinks being related isn't a legitimate reason not to sleep together," says Sam, still grinning. Dean has coffee on his nose. It's awesome. "So I need something else to tell her."
"What?"
"What?"
"Why were you talking to the crazy bone chick about us sleeping together?" For some reason, I have trouble making Dean refer to Bones by name. I can't really see him calling her Dr. Brennan with the title, Brennan doesn't work for me either, Bones is Booth's name, and Temperance is...yeah. So I never know what to have Dean call her.
"She brought it up. She thinks we should be sleeping together."
"Dude, you aren't allowed to have friends anymore."
"She's not my friend, she's..."
"A crazy bone chick who wants us to fuck."
"Pretty much."
"Why?"
Sam shrugs, kind of uncomfortable, finally. The awkwardness of discussing hypothetical incest had to come sometime. "Because we've created our own society based on shared experiences that no one else can understand."
"Uh huh," says Dean. "Let's try that again in English."
"Because we get each other," says Sam, and it sounds like a way better argument when he says it like that.
"Huh."
"So I need to tell her why else I won't sleep with you."
Dean considers. "Nah, I got nothing."
"What?"
"Hey, man, have you seen me? I'm god's gift to sex. Seriously, everyone should want to bone me." Dean brings up an excellent point here.
"But I'm your brother!"
"I thought we weren't counting that as a reason."
"So if I wasn't your brother, you'd fuck me?"
"Eh," says Dean.
"Dean!"
"Dude, you know me. I'm easy."
"You like girls!"
"Exactly."
It takes a minute for this to sink in. "I'm not a girl, Dean!" Yes you are.
"Could've fooled me."
"I hate you so much."
"Aww, baby, don't be that way."
"So you seriously...you're really saying that if we weren't related, you'd have sex with me."
"I never said that. You said that and I didn't say no."
Sam scrubs his hand across his face. "I can't believe we're having this conversation."
"You brought it up."
"You were supposed to help!"
"I am helping."
"How?"
"Okay, I'm not helping."
"God, this is so stupid."
"You can say that again."
"There's a really simple way to solve this," says Sam.
"There is?"
"Yeah. Just...stand up."
Dean looks confused and kind of wary, but he stands. Sam crosses the room, puts down Dean's coffee cup, and gets right in his personal space.
"Uh. Sammy?"
"Look, I just...we try it and it's terrible and then I can just...tell Dr. Brennan she's nuts."
"Yeah, she's totally the crazy one right now," says Dean. "Sam--"
It's going to be a terrible kiss and then they're never going to talk about it again, and Sam is going to tell Dr. Brennan she's insane.
Except five minutes later, they're still kissing, and it's unbelievably good.
"Huh," says Sam.
"You're so lucky I like girls," says Dean.
*
"We're not sending a fruit basket," says Dean the next day. I don't know why fruit baskets ever came up. I think that's just what Sam assumes normal people do when they are grateful. Sam has interesting beliefs.
"Well we have to thank her somehow."
"I don't care how gay you are now," says Dean, " we are not sending a fucking fruit basket."
"Flowers?"
"No."
"We have to do something!"
"Can't you just call her and say, like, thanks for reminding me my brother is smoking hot and has a monster dick?" Bones would probably appreciate this card. She might ask for measurements on Dean's monster dick.
"I am never saying that to Dr. Brennan," Sam objects.
"Oh, and sending her a fruit basket is better." It is.
*
"Sam and Dean are now sexually involved," says Brennan. Booth nearly swerves the car off the road. "Do you want me to drive?" I love Bones.
"No! God, Bones, you can't just say that to a guy!"
"Why not? I told you we'd been discussing it."
"Look, I don't want to know about the Winchesters' sex life. Hell, they're already felons who are wanted for breaking a ton of laws. Do you really have to tell me when they break more laws?" Here is another example of how there is no backstory here. Like, how did they meet? How did Bones and Booth discover what Dean and Sam do? The mysteries are endless! Just in my brain SPN and Bones crossing over is taken for granted, so I end up ignoring the details. Well done, self.
"You're responsible for their relationship. I thought you'd be happy to hear that it's working out for them."
"No, Bones. If I inspire you to convince two brothers to have gay sex? I don't want to hear about it. I want you to never mention it again."
"Fine."
"Fine. Good. Let's talk about the case."
"You know, brother and brother incest isn't specifically prohibited in the Bible." I imagine Bones starts a lot of moral arguments with this, because Bones can come up with a lot of questionable things that the bible has never specifically taken on.
"I did not know that. I could have gone my whole life without knowing that."
"I'm just saying."
"Bones, stop just saying. Stop talking. We're done. We're never talking about this again."
"I told them we'd go bowling with them. Does that mean we're not going bowling with them?"
"Why did you tell them that?"
"Sam wanted to thank me. I suggested bowling."
"Of course you did."
"I can cancel."
"No, no. We can go bowling with the incestuous brothers, and then we're never talking about this again." The sequels I have written tell a different story, Booth. A Sweets/Castiel story.
"Should I ask Sweets if he wants to come? Will that make it better?"
"No. Having a therapist on our double date with gay brothers would not make it better." I like how I put this in before Sweets/Castiel was a thing for me. In fact, before Castiel existed. It's like I'm psychic or something. Or like I just love Sweets. Whatever.
"I can ask them to not be physically affectionate in front of you."
"Yeah, that would be nice."
"Would a fruit basket help? That was Sam's other idea."
"No," says Booth finally, with a long sigh. "A fruit basket would not help."
Okay! I dunno. I didn't say a lot about stuff there. I STILL LOVE THIS FIC ANY QUESTIONS.
OH YEAH the title is an old Fandom_Wank meme! Which started my trend of naming Bones fic with bizarre internet terminology. Defined by Urban Dictionary here, for those unfamiliar with the phrase. Bones is totally the kind of person who would give a three-paragraph reply with her thoughts on yaoi and totally miss the point.