(no subject)
Got a Life From Life on TV
Jared/Jensen, non-AU
1500 words
So it's been a shitty year.
Jared doesn't find out until he flops down on Jensen's bed on their Sunday off and says, "Dude, you, me, Madden tournament." His brain is fried from this fucking season and his fucking life, and days off he barely has the energy to get his ass back to LA now--he just wants to chill out and forget about the show, and the future, and the way his agent wants to beat him black and blue for taking the summer off.
He's tired, and Jensen is pretty much the only person in the universe who really understands why.
Jensen raises his eyebrows, and Jared belatedly notices that he's dressed, really dressed, in a way that implies he is at some point planning on having contact with the world outside.
"What's up?" Jared asks.
"I need an apartment," Jensen says, slowly, like Jared should know this.
"Why? For what? Dude, you know I said you can bring girls back here. Just put a tie on your doorknob."
"We got renewed, dumbass," says Jensen, getting up and heading for his bathroom. Jared hears his shaver turn on, but still doesn't get his words. "I need to live somewhere next year," he adds, like Jared is slow.
Jared feels slow, because--it never crossed his mind.
*
It's not like Jared thought they'd live together forever. But the total, honest, straight-out truth of it is that he likes having Jensen around, and he's gotten used to it. Jared has always been the kind of person who likes other people, but he knows there are plenty he couldn't live with. He and Chad, for example, once shared a hotel room for a week, and by mutual agreement they're never inhabiting the same space alone for more than eight hours straight ever again.
But like everything with Jensen, living with him came easy, even though this has been far from the easiest year. He's wrung out, feels off balance, between Sandy and Kim and a show that's--if it's not his big break, then he's not sure he's getting one, and now it's drawing to a close.
And now Jensen's leaving.
A rational part of Jared's mind knows that Jensen is not leaving him--that's not at all what's happening here. It just feels like the straw breaking the camel's back, and it feels horribly prophetic.
Jared knows how hard it is to hold onto friends in Hollywood. Hell, sometimes he feels like he's losing Chad, who's kind of a human barnacle once you get to be friends with him. But he can imagine--he pretty much has nightmares where he's still in Vancouver doing some crappy new CW show and Jensen hits it big and never wants to come back because he's tired of living up here and--yeah, Jared's maybe got some issues.
He just thought he had another year.
It doesn't make sense that moving out should sound so much like moving on.
*
Jensen gets back late, collapses on the couch with a sigh. "Fuck me, I hate apartment hunting. Why is everything so skeevy?"
Jared wants to crack a joke about how Jensen is a fucking princess, or something, but he can't even manage. He just says, "Why are you leaving?" because that's what he's been thinking all day, this whole time Jensen's been gone.
"Huh?" asks Jensen, taking his arm off his face and blinking. "What do you mean?"
"I mean," says Jared, "I've got a giant house, and these dogs who're as big as I am, and all this food I suck at cooking, and all this space, and I don't get why you want to leave when you could be with me."
Jensen kind of stares, and Jared doesn't blame him. He hadn't really known what he was going to say before he said it, and replaying it in his head, it sounds kind of--weird.
"I thought you might want your house back," Jensen says, in a voice like tiptoeing. Like he's worried he's going to trip a wire and Jared's going to explode.
"Oh," says Jared, more breath than word. "I don't."
"I got that," says Jensen. He still looks freaked out.
Jared listens to his breath for a minute. He's sitting at the kitchen table; he's got the New York Times crossword for the day in front of him, but his clues are blurring. He hasn't written anything in a while.
Sometimes, Jensen helps him, and they ignore the clues and see how far they can get writing in swears and innuendo, trying to fill the whole puzzle with filth.
It's one of a thousand things he isn't ready to lose.
Jensen sits down in the seat to his left and says, "Everything okay?"
Jared laughs a little. "This has been a shitty year," he says.
"I know," Jensen agrees.
"I want you to stay," he adds, even though he's pretty sure that was clear.
"Yeah."
"Yeah, you know, or yeah, you're staying?"
Jensen lets out a sigh. "Why do you want me to?"
Jared finally looks at him. "You're my best friend. You're--I love living with you, man. It's--" he wants to say things like it's perfect and I can't get enough of you, but it sounds strange again.
Not wrong, just strange. Like someone listening to him would get the wrong idea.
"Good," says Jensen, awkwardly. "It's good, right?"
"I think so," says Jared.
"Yeah. I mean, I do too. But--I can't live with you forever, you know."
There's something in the way that Jensen is looking at him, like he's searching for a response Jared hasn't given, and Jared realizes that he shouldn't be clamping anything down right now.
It feels a little like the world is shifting on its axis when he asks, "Why not?"
Jensen laughs, hollow and small. "You know why."
"No, I don't." Then, "I want to live with you forever."
The weird thing is, he's never thought that before, but he knows it's true.
He expects Jensen to laugh again, but he doesn't. "I know it seems cool now, but I hear when you get older you want to settle down, have a family, not get drunk all the time and play WiiSports."
Jensen rarely pulls the age card. A lot of the time, Jared forgets that Jensen is older, forgets the years between them, because they don't really seem important. Jensen has never made him feel like a kid.
He swallows, and he thinks before he speaks, because--he's going to say something stupid. He wants to. He wants to say it more than he's ever wanted anything. And he never even thought it before, so he should be very certain.
"So we'll have a family," he says.
Jensen doesn't look surprised. "We're not having a family because we had a shitty year."
"I didn't mean right now."
The more he thinks about it, the more he likes the idea. Because--it would be actually impossible for the thought to not have crossed his mind. For him to have not wondered about the two of them. Not because he thinks the fans are right, or anything, just because they don't shut up about it. It's never sounded bad, exactly. It just hasn't been true.
"You're serious, aren't you," says Jensen.
"Yeah, I am."
"So you're gay now?"
Jared rolls his eyes. "I love you," he says easily. "Who the hell cares about anything else?"
"Did you know that at the beginning of this conversation?"
"Yes," says Jared, glaring. He feels--lighter. Because Jensen hasn't said he's leaving, even though Jared pretty much just asked him to get gay married.
"Okay, but--"
"Stay," says Jared. "With me. We can get an apartment if you don't like the house."
"I like the house."
"So?"
Jensen looks away, a grin he clearly doesn't want Jared to see growing on his face.
"So I'll stay."
*
Later, after Jared has learned to kiss Jensen, after he's learned how Jensen likes getting jerked off, how he likes getting fucked, after he's found out being with Jensen is another easy step, like he probably would have known, if he thought about it--after all that, he says, "So, what, you were moving out because I hadn't figured out you were totally gay for me?"
Jensen groans and shoves him. "Figured you might be sick of me. Four years is a long time, you know."
Jared's sick of a lot of things. He's tired and feels too old, feels stretched between too many places. But all he can do is smile. "No, man. Never."
Jared/Jensen, non-AU
1500 words
So it's been a shitty year.
Jared doesn't find out until he flops down on Jensen's bed on their Sunday off and says, "Dude, you, me, Madden tournament." His brain is fried from this fucking season and his fucking life, and days off he barely has the energy to get his ass back to LA now--he just wants to chill out and forget about the show, and the future, and the way his agent wants to beat him black and blue for taking the summer off.
He's tired, and Jensen is pretty much the only person in the universe who really understands why.
Jensen raises his eyebrows, and Jared belatedly notices that he's dressed, really dressed, in a way that implies he is at some point planning on having contact with the world outside.
"What's up?" Jared asks.
"I need an apartment," Jensen says, slowly, like Jared should know this.
"Why? For what? Dude, you know I said you can bring girls back here. Just put a tie on your doorknob."
"We got renewed, dumbass," says Jensen, getting up and heading for his bathroom. Jared hears his shaver turn on, but still doesn't get his words. "I need to live somewhere next year," he adds, like Jared is slow.
Jared feels slow, because--it never crossed his mind.
*
It's not like Jared thought they'd live together forever. But the total, honest, straight-out truth of it is that he likes having Jensen around, and he's gotten used to it. Jared has always been the kind of person who likes other people, but he knows there are plenty he couldn't live with. He and Chad, for example, once shared a hotel room for a week, and by mutual agreement they're never inhabiting the same space alone for more than eight hours straight ever again.
But like everything with Jensen, living with him came easy, even though this has been far from the easiest year. He's wrung out, feels off balance, between Sandy and Kim and a show that's--if it's not his big break, then he's not sure he's getting one, and now it's drawing to a close.
And now Jensen's leaving.
A rational part of Jared's mind knows that Jensen is not leaving him--that's not at all what's happening here. It just feels like the straw breaking the camel's back, and it feels horribly prophetic.
Jared knows how hard it is to hold onto friends in Hollywood. Hell, sometimes he feels like he's losing Chad, who's kind of a human barnacle once you get to be friends with him. But he can imagine--he pretty much has nightmares where he's still in Vancouver doing some crappy new CW show and Jensen hits it big and never wants to come back because he's tired of living up here and--yeah, Jared's maybe got some issues.
He just thought he had another year.
It doesn't make sense that moving out should sound so much like moving on.
*
Jensen gets back late, collapses on the couch with a sigh. "Fuck me, I hate apartment hunting. Why is everything so skeevy?"
Jared wants to crack a joke about how Jensen is a fucking princess, or something, but he can't even manage. He just says, "Why are you leaving?" because that's what he's been thinking all day, this whole time Jensen's been gone.
"Huh?" asks Jensen, taking his arm off his face and blinking. "What do you mean?"
"I mean," says Jared, "I've got a giant house, and these dogs who're as big as I am, and all this food I suck at cooking, and all this space, and I don't get why you want to leave when you could be with me."
Jensen kind of stares, and Jared doesn't blame him. He hadn't really known what he was going to say before he said it, and replaying it in his head, it sounds kind of--weird.
"I thought you might want your house back," Jensen says, in a voice like tiptoeing. Like he's worried he's going to trip a wire and Jared's going to explode.
"Oh," says Jared, more breath than word. "I don't."
"I got that," says Jensen. He still looks freaked out.
Jared listens to his breath for a minute. He's sitting at the kitchen table; he's got the New York Times crossword for the day in front of him, but his clues are blurring. He hasn't written anything in a while.
Sometimes, Jensen helps him, and they ignore the clues and see how far they can get writing in swears and innuendo, trying to fill the whole puzzle with filth.
It's one of a thousand things he isn't ready to lose.
Jensen sits down in the seat to his left and says, "Everything okay?"
Jared laughs a little. "This has been a shitty year," he says.
"I know," Jensen agrees.
"I want you to stay," he adds, even though he's pretty sure that was clear.
"Yeah."
"Yeah, you know, or yeah, you're staying?"
Jensen lets out a sigh. "Why do you want me to?"
Jared finally looks at him. "You're my best friend. You're--I love living with you, man. It's--" he wants to say things like it's perfect and I can't get enough of you, but it sounds strange again.
Not wrong, just strange. Like someone listening to him would get the wrong idea.
"Good," says Jensen, awkwardly. "It's good, right?"
"I think so," says Jared.
"Yeah. I mean, I do too. But--I can't live with you forever, you know."
There's something in the way that Jensen is looking at him, like he's searching for a response Jared hasn't given, and Jared realizes that he shouldn't be clamping anything down right now.
It feels a little like the world is shifting on its axis when he asks, "Why not?"
Jensen laughs, hollow and small. "You know why."
"No, I don't." Then, "I want to live with you forever."
The weird thing is, he's never thought that before, but he knows it's true.
He expects Jensen to laugh again, but he doesn't. "I know it seems cool now, but I hear when you get older you want to settle down, have a family, not get drunk all the time and play WiiSports."
Jensen rarely pulls the age card. A lot of the time, Jared forgets that Jensen is older, forgets the years between them, because they don't really seem important. Jensen has never made him feel like a kid.
He swallows, and he thinks before he speaks, because--he's going to say something stupid. He wants to. He wants to say it more than he's ever wanted anything. And he never even thought it before, so he should be very certain.
"So we'll have a family," he says.
Jensen doesn't look surprised. "We're not having a family because we had a shitty year."
"I didn't mean right now."
The more he thinks about it, the more he likes the idea. Because--it would be actually impossible for the thought to not have crossed his mind. For him to have not wondered about the two of them. Not because he thinks the fans are right, or anything, just because they don't shut up about it. It's never sounded bad, exactly. It just hasn't been true.
"You're serious, aren't you," says Jensen.
"Yeah, I am."
"So you're gay now?"
Jared rolls his eyes. "I love you," he says easily. "Who the hell cares about anything else?"
"Did you know that at the beginning of this conversation?"
"Yes," says Jared, glaring. He feels--lighter. Because Jensen hasn't said he's leaving, even though Jared pretty much just asked him to get gay married.
"Okay, but--"
"Stay," says Jared. "With me. We can get an apartment if you don't like the house."
"I like the house."
"So?"
Jensen looks away, a grin he clearly doesn't want Jared to see growing on his face.
"So I'll stay."
*
Later, after Jared has learned to kiss Jensen, after he's learned how Jensen likes getting jerked off, how he likes getting fucked, after he's found out being with Jensen is another easy step, like he probably would have known, if he thought about it--after all that, he says, "So, what, you were moving out because I hadn't figured out you were totally gay for me?"
Jensen groans and shoves him. "Figured you might be sick of me. Four years is a long time, you know."
Jared's sick of a lot of things. He's tired and feels too old, feels stretched between too many places. But all he can do is smile. "No, man. Never."