I am incapable of writing long Leverage fic.
Some People Paint
Parker/Eliot/Hardison, R, 825 words, spoilers for 110.
"She's high," says Eliot.
"She's hitting on us," counters Hardison.
"Man, it's like date rape."
"No, it's not! Cuz she's raping us! Or, you know, she would be, if you let me go back in there."
Parker giggles from the other room.
"Tell me that's not disturbing," Eliot hisses.
"Okay, it's disturbing," says Hardison. "But she knows what she's doing!"
"How do you know?"
"Because I was a really good boy this year and asked Santa!"
"Tell me you did not ask Santa to get Parker high enough to sleep with you."
"Not the high enough part," Hardison mutters.
"God, can't you just jerk off like a normal person?"
"I do!"
Eliot rubs his forehead. "Okay, fine, got sleep with crazy high Parker. Just leave me out of it."
"No way, man! She was hitting on both of us. Maybe you a little more."
"So, what, you can't seal the deal without me?"
"Maybe, I don't know. It's Parker! Who knows what she wants?"
"Threesome!" calls Parker from the other room.
"See?" says Hardison. "She wants a threesome! Not a me-and-her lovefest."
Eliot stares. "Hardison, no one wants a you-and-her lovefest." Then, "You want to have a threesome with me?"
Hardison does his fucking lisp. "Well, you are my man."
"Hardison, I swear to god, I will hurt you."
"Look, man, if I'm going to bone any dude, it's gonna be you."
Eliot pauses. "You mean with Parker, right?"
Hardison shrugs.
"If you two don't get in here I'm starting without you!"
Eliot and Hardison look at each other, the simultaneous realization that a hot (crazy, unbalanced, drugged up) girl is in the other room waiting for them for sex, and they're arguing in a bathroom.
"You ever had a threesome?"
Hardison snorts. "I watch porn. Doesn't look that hard."
Eliot sighs.
*
It is that hard. Hardison wants to kiss everyone; he's a geek, has always been a geek, has never really gotten over the wonder of kissing a girl, of kissing anyone. He's all about analyzing things, rooting out differences, and having a guy and a girl together in the same place, sweaty and close, is too much data all at once. He hovers between them, feeling how Eliot's stubble scrapes and how Parker is soft, softer than she should be.
He wants everything at once, and doesn't know the first thing about getting it.
"You suck at this," says Eliot.
"He'll get better," says Parker.
"I will?" asks Hardison, at the same time Eliot says, "He will?"
"I think so," says Parker. She's sounding more like herself, and it's downright weird, hearing her come back to detached insanity as they're having sex. "So," she says, leaning back on the bed, legs open like an invitation, "which one of you is actually going to do me?"
Eliot looks at Hardison. They're both naked, everyone is naked, and it should be weird. Hardison knows it should be weird.
"Rock paper scissors?" asks Eliot.
"Oh, it is on," says Hardison.
It isn't weird at all.
*
"She's gonna kill us," says Eliot.
"She isn't," says Hardison, but his eyes are darting around like he's terrified she will. Eliot has seen Hardison's face as he comes, has seen all of Hardison, and he can't forget it. He's not sure he wants to. He thinks he might, he just hasn't made up his mind yet.
"She's like one of those spiders that kills after mating, I bet."
"She's not a killer," says Hardison. "Maybe she'll just steal our wallets."
"No way we are getting off that easy."
"I hope you know you just opened yourself up to a world of getting off jokes."
"You opened yourself up to a whole world of hurt."
"Yeah, that's a real good retort, I'm real scared."
"I will end you," says Eliot, and then there's Parker, looking like the blackest little raincloud.
"Shit," mutters Eliot.
"Hi Parker," says Hardison, stuttering over every syllable.
"I'm in withdrawal," she says darkly. "Don't talk to me."
Then she stalks off.
Eliot and Hardison turn to watch her go.
"So," says Hardison finally, "I think that went okay."
*
Three weeks later, Parker says, "When are we having sex again?"
"Uh," says Eliot.
"Uh," says Hardison.
"Uh," says Nate. He and Sophie exchange a long look, with some hand gestures on Sophie's part.
"We'll just leave the tw--thr--we'll just leave you alone," says Sophie, and drags Nate away.
"Because I'm bored," says Parker, as if nothing awkward had happened at all, "and I want to have sex."
"With both of us?" asks Hardison. "At the same time?"
"No," grants Parker. "I don't think you're ready for double penetration yet."
"He's definitely not," agrees Eliot.
"Wait, what? This is on me now? I am so ready!"
"Maybe next time," says Parker.
"How many times you picture there being?" asks Eliot.
Parker shrugs. "I get bored a lot," says Parker.
"Well," says Hardison, "okay, then."
Parker/Eliot/Hardison, R, 825 words, spoilers for 110.
"She's high," says Eliot.
"She's hitting on us," counters Hardison.
"Man, it's like date rape."
"No, it's not! Cuz she's raping us! Or, you know, she would be, if you let me go back in there."
Parker giggles from the other room.
"Tell me that's not disturbing," Eliot hisses.
"Okay, it's disturbing," says Hardison. "But she knows what she's doing!"
"How do you know?"
"Because I was a really good boy this year and asked Santa!"
"Tell me you did not ask Santa to get Parker high enough to sleep with you."
"Not the high enough part," Hardison mutters.
"God, can't you just jerk off like a normal person?"
"I do!"
Eliot rubs his forehead. "Okay, fine, got sleep with crazy high Parker. Just leave me out of it."
"No way, man! She was hitting on both of us. Maybe you a little more."
"So, what, you can't seal the deal without me?"
"Maybe, I don't know. It's Parker! Who knows what she wants?"
"Threesome!" calls Parker from the other room.
"See?" says Hardison. "She wants a threesome! Not a me-and-her lovefest."
Eliot stares. "Hardison, no one wants a you-and-her lovefest." Then, "You want to have a threesome with me?"
Hardison does his fucking lisp. "Well, you are my man."
"Hardison, I swear to god, I will hurt you."
"Look, man, if I'm going to bone any dude, it's gonna be you."
Eliot pauses. "You mean with Parker, right?"
Hardison shrugs.
"If you two don't get in here I'm starting without you!"
Eliot and Hardison look at each other, the simultaneous realization that a hot (crazy, unbalanced, drugged up) girl is in the other room waiting for them for sex, and they're arguing in a bathroom.
"You ever had a threesome?"
Hardison snorts. "I watch porn. Doesn't look that hard."
Eliot sighs.
*
It is that hard. Hardison wants to kiss everyone; he's a geek, has always been a geek, has never really gotten over the wonder of kissing a girl, of kissing anyone. He's all about analyzing things, rooting out differences, and having a guy and a girl together in the same place, sweaty and close, is too much data all at once. He hovers between them, feeling how Eliot's stubble scrapes and how Parker is soft, softer than she should be.
He wants everything at once, and doesn't know the first thing about getting it.
"You suck at this," says Eliot.
"He'll get better," says Parker.
"I will?" asks Hardison, at the same time Eliot says, "He will?"
"I think so," says Parker. She's sounding more like herself, and it's downright weird, hearing her come back to detached insanity as they're having sex. "So," she says, leaning back on the bed, legs open like an invitation, "which one of you is actually going to do me?"
Eliot looks at Hardison. They're both naked, everyone is naked, and it should be weird. Hardison knows it should be weird.
"Rock paper scissors?" asks Eliot.
"Oh, it is on," says Hardison.
It isn't weird at all.
*
"She's gonna kill us," says Eliot.
"She isn't," says Hardison, but his eyes are darting around like he's terrified she will. Eliot has seen Hardison's face as he comes, has seen all of Hardison, and he can't forget it. He's not sure he wants to. He thinks he might, he just hasn't made up his mind yet.
"She's like one of those spiders that kills after mating, I bet."
"She's not a killer," says Hardison. "Maybe she'll just steal our wallets."
"No way we are getting off that easy."
"I hope you know you just opened yourself up to a world of getting off jokes."
"You opened yourself up to a whole world of hurt."
"Yeah, that's a real good retort, I'm real scared."
"I will end you," says Eliot, and then there's Parker, looking like the blackest little raincloud.
"Shit," mutters Eliot.
"Hi Parker," says Hardison, stuttering over every syllable.
"I'm in withdrawal," she says darkly. "Don't talk to me."
Then she stalks off.
Eliot and Hardison turn to watch her go.
"So," says Hardison finally, "I think that went okay."
*
Three weeks later, Parker says, "When are we having sex again?"
"Uh," says Eliot.
"Uh," says Hardison.
"Uh," says Nate. He and Sophie exchange a long look, with some hand gestures on Sophie's part.
"We'll just leave the tw--thr--we'll just leave you alone," says Sophie, and drags Nate away.
"Because I'm bored," says Parker, as if nothing awkward had happened at all, "and I want to have sex."
"With both of us?" asks Hardison. "At the same time?"
"No," grants Parker. "I don't think you're ready for double penetration yet."
"He's definitely not," agrees Eliot.
"Wait, what? This is on me now? I am so ready!"
"Maybe next time," says Parker.
"How many times you picture there being?" asks Eliot.
Parker shrugs. "I get bored a lot," says Parker.
"Well," says Hardison, "okay, then."