Confronting the Abyss, Part 7

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Part 7

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Bodie stood looking at the building which contained Doyle’s flat. The ex-merc was surprised that Doyle still lived here because it had always been Cowley’s policy to move agents around every six to nine months or so. I might be lucky and get that old darlin’, Mrs. Carruthers to let me in, if Doyle won’t.

Sure enough after banging on Doyle’s buzzer in his special code for several minutes, Mrs. Carruthers opened the door and took a step out. She noticed Bodie right away as her face lit up in a smile. In a squeaky voice she blurted forth, “Oh Mr. Bodie, it is so good to see you. It’s been so long, and Mr. Doyle has been missing you ever so much. He is such a dear, sweet boy, but I am worried about him. He just doesn’t seem the same since you left.”

These simple words made Bodie feel a lot better. Maybe that frickin’ sod does feel somethin’ for me and this will be easier than I thought. It was hard to imagine Doyle as a dear, sweet boy, but Bodie had to admit to himself that he had missed the moody ex-copper, and it wasn’t until the last few weeks that he had realized the depth of his loneliness.

Bodie turned on all his charm and smiled at Mrs. Carruthers, “It’s good to see you too, Mrs. Carruthers. You stay away from that man in number 4; he’s a real heartbreaker, and you must know that I want you all to meself?”

Mrs. Carruthers wizened face broke out in a smile as she gently squeezed Bodie’s forearm, “Oh Mr. Bodie, how you do go on. You go see your friend, ‘cause I have to do some shoppin’, but when I return, I hope you and Mr. Doyle will join me in a cup of tea.”

The wistful look on the older woman’s face seemed so unhappy that Bodie readily agreed that both men would be there. Now all he had to do was convince Doyle to accompany him.

Bodie stood knocking at Doyle’s door for several minutes with no answer. He knew that Ray was in there because his car was outside. He must be tryin’ to avoid me, but it ain’t goin’ to work ‘cause I’m goin’ to stay here until he answers the door.

After several more minutes of pounding the door finally opened. Doyle looked a pale image of the man that Bodie remembered so well. Frankly, the usually feisty golli looked pale and washed out. He looked as if he didn’t care, and couldn’t even be bothered to be upset with Bodie.

Suddenly, Bodie was hesitant, this was not the Doyle that he knew or understood. In the past, even when Doyle was angry, or moody, or upset by something, there was some life in those superb green eyes, now there was nothing. What had June Cook said to him?

Finally, Bodie found his voice and asked, “Can I come in?”

Doyle stared for a moment then waved his visitor in without really seeming to care one way or another. Usually the scrawny, auburn haired agent would offer his friend a lager or something, but this time, Doyle just went over to a large overstuffed chair and flopped into it, spreading his long legs out, his whole body speaking of utter despair.

Bodie made himself at home after going to the frig to get two lagers. Sitting one down next to Doyle’s chair, Bodie sat down on the settee, opened the can, and took a large drink since his throat now seemed very parched; besides, it gave him a few extra seconds to think what he was going to say.

He knew that he had to make Doyle give a damn or this visit would fail, but what could he say? It seemed strange to be so uncomfortable with Doyle, but he had to try.
“I’m sorry about the ambush.”

Green eyes burned into his body, but Doyle said nothing, so Bodie tried again. “How long are you suspended for?”

Doyle’s eyes flickered slightly, but still no words were spoken. Bodie sighed; he was getting angry now. Of course, Doyle felt bad, but this was the man who felt guilty over everything so something had to be done, so Bodie tried again, “Why didn’t you try to stop me from leavin’ the mob?”

Now there was a flame burnin’ in the green orbs that seemed to penetrate like a laser to his very soul. Maybe that got him goin’?

Suddenly, Doyle shouted, “Oh, so now it’s my fault, is it? Just like you to blame me. Well, I’ll tell you right now, MATE; I didn’t try and stop you ‘cause I didn’t care.” Doyle jumped up from the chair and began to pace around the room. Coming back to the chair, he picked up the can of lager, opened it, and swallowed it in one swallow. This seemed to revive his anger because he twirled around with such rapid movement that felt Bodie dizzy; then, Doyle started in again.

“You make me sick. Five years of partnership meant nothing to you. It was Jase this and Jase that. Well, you got what you wanted: a fancy new car, a partnership, and that bastard in your bed, so don’t come whingin’ to me. Don’t feel sorry for me; just go back and be the cuckold of that baby-killin’ ex-merc, if that’s what you want.”

Doyle stood there: his face was red; he was breathing as if he couldn’t get enough air, and his beautiful hands were on his slender hips in a stance that seemed to defy Bodie to take a punch.

Suddenly, Bodie smiled as he whispered, “I’ve quit Jase’s business.”

For a moment, Doyle stood there with an expression on his face that seemed to say, “And is that supposed to impress me?” Finally, Doyle shrugged and said, “What, you couldn’t please him enough or what?”

“Ray, I haven’t had sex with Jase in 15 years; I didn’t leave CI5 because I wanted to go to bed with him. I told you that, but you’re so stubborn and blind, you wouldn’t believe me.”

“Sure, sure, blame me. Well, what are you here for, if it isn’t to lord it over me about your new life?”

“I’m sorry about Cook. I know you were close to him. I heard that you had to tell June Cook; that must have been rough.”

“Get out of here. What do you know about it? Do you know she even wanted me to kill the dog that Cookie loved?”

Doyle dropped his head then flopped back into the large chair, saying nothing. Bodie could see how much the older man was hurting, and Bodie certainly hadn’t helped.

Bodie moved over to a chair that was closer to his former partner. He hated it when Doyle was hurting. Normally, when either of them was feeling the trauma of a case gone bad or personal problems, they had turned to each other for comfort which often ended in sex, but not this time. Sex was not the answer, but maybe comfort was.

“Ray, I realize that I failed you when I left, but I’m here now, talk to me. Tell me what June said.”

“You’re not my boss; you don’t order me around, besides, why are you still around? If you’ve left Jase then why aren’t you looking for a new job in Bora Bora or some other exotic place ‘cause that’s what you always do isn’t it . . . run away?”

Bodie sat there staring at his former partner. Then, he stood up, towering over Doyle, “You’re right, I’ve always run away from commitment. I thought I loved Dulchone, but Krivas killed her. I romanced Marikka twice and knew both times that nothing would come of it, and then . . . Jimmy Keller got me in the sack and you know how that ended? I guess I’m a real loser in choosing someone to be committed to. I’ve always been afraid of that dark abyss because I’m tired of being hurt.
Since running away is what you expect of me, I might as well fulfil your expectations of a raving lunatic ex-merc.”

Bodie turned and headed towards the door, but was stopped when he heard Doyle’s sharp voice demand, “You mentioned Duchone, Marikka, and Keller; how come they count as commitments and I don’t? Is it because all we had was sex? If I remember correctly, that’s all you wanted, so that’s what I gave you. Maybe you better keep on runnin’ ‘cause I’m tired of waitin’ and hopin’.”

Bodie turned and stared then nodded his head at the slender man who had become important enough to him that he had hung around for five years. “I’m sorry I failed you, Doyle, seems that’s all I ever do. Tell Murph to take care of you or I’ll come and thump him.”

Doyle looked at Bodie’s back and then said with a sarcastic voice, “Your brain gone bad? Murph told me that he told you that I’m paired with Coltrane. He’s a good partner, RELIABLE, and LOYAL.”

Bodie turned once again and said with a large amount of smugness in his voice, “Oh, is that why you thumped him when he told you that he had suggested a permanent partnership to Cowley?”

Doyle’s handsome turned several shades of red. As he pulled his long slender hands out of his pockets, he mumbled, “That Murphy really does have a big mouth . . .
Well, we . . . uh, sort of patched that up. I told him that I needed to think about a permanent partnership for awhile ‘cause the last partner I had deserted me like rats from a ship.”

Bodie was silent for a moment then took a breath and asked, “So, you and Coltrane aren’t cuffed together yet?”

“No, but I’m thinkin’ about it.”

Bodie’s pouty lips smiled, but his dark blue eyes only showed despair. “So, you wouldn’t be open to somebody else as a partner? It has to be . . . Coltrane?”

Doyle looked suspiciously into the Mediterranean blue eyes and asked with hesitancy, “Like who? I like working with Murph and Jax, but Cowley wants to keep them solo, so who you trying to dump me off onto?”

“Dump is right. I remember when I first took you on. Had to teach you everything you knew. You were just damn lucky that I put up with a scrawny, know-it-all ex-copper like you.”

For a moment Bodie thought that Doyle was going to attack him, but that energetic, power driven machine that was his golli backed down a gear as he folded his arms around his chest and asked, “And just who did you have in mind for me to work with?”

“The only perfect agent and man in the department, ‘cause you deserve to work with the best, sunshine, and I’m the best, and you know it.”

“Thought you quit CI5?”

“Talked to Cowley this afternoon, and he said I could come back to the A Squad anytime I wanted since he needs men like me. The place has really gone down hill in the months since I left.”

“What makes you think that I would want to be your partner anymore?”

“’Cause we were the best, and we can still be the best.”

Doyle nodded his curls, while replying, “Maybe,” but what about the physical side of the partnership?”

“Whatever you want, Ray, you decide.”

“No thanks, Bodie. I don’t think it’s a good idea.”

Bodie stood there stunned. Ray doesn’t want to be my partner?

Bodie stood there, feeling his legs begin to buckle. It had never occurred to him that Doyle would turn him down. Of course, the crazy golli would rant and rave, but in the end he would come round, and now Doyle was telling him ‘no’!!!!

Pulling himself together, Bodie managed to make it to the door without saying a word because he didn’t really trust himself. He couldn’t blame Doyle for rejecting him, so many others had done the same, but he’d always thought Doyle would come around. He was just about ready to open the door when a thought came to mind about something Doyle had said, turning he stared at the pugnacious man, standing as if he was braced for another disappointment, “What’d you mean . . . that you were tired of waitin’ and hopin’?”

Doyle stared at him; his mouth slightly open as if he were dumbstruck at his stupidity in letting that slip. Doyle dropped his head, staring at the floor so only his auburn curls could be seen. Obviously he was playing for time.

For the first time Bodie took heart that maybe not all was lost, if he could just get the reticent, moody, stubborn golli to own up to his true feelings. In a voice barely above a whisper, Bodie put a lot of affection into his next words, “Come on, Angelfish, can’t you tell me?”

Doyle shook his head, his curls swinging violently, then he looked up at his former partner, his green eyes like small laser probes penetrating Bodie’s barrier, “Why should I? Why do I have to be the one to confess? You left me, remember?”

“I know I did sunshine. I know I did, but I’ve always run when I’ve been afraid.”

“Afraid of what?”

Bodie waggled his head slightly, “Commitment, I guess. I’ve trusted too few people in my day because the ones I have trusted have let me down. Contrary to your opinion of mercs and me especially I can be hurt and I’ve had enough so I run first to avoid it.”

“Have you ever thought that maybe that’s why you’ve been hurt? If you can’t trust someone, how do you suppose they can trust you, if they’re always expectin’ you to run first? I thought our five years meant something, and then you throw me over for that . . . that handsome hunk who you bedded 15 years before. Can’t you see how I felt? I know you think I’m ugly and certainly not worth your time in bed, but I thought you trusted me?”

Bodie’s face only showed astonishment at Doyle’s assessment of Bodie’s feelings for his ex-partner. Fury then replaced his astonishment as he blurted out, “You are a moron, Doyle. Don’t you know that you are gorgeous . . . especially when you are in bed with me? I love to see that skinny body on display and when you are taking me, I feel like a king. No one . . . no one has ever made me feel that way. You are not ugly; I know I tease you about that but it’s only to protect meself from wantin’ to take you into my arms and hug you. Haven’t you noticed how I’ve always got me hands on you? Remember the time when I goosed you practically right in front of Jack. You went along with it; never said a thing.”

Doyle smiled briefly wistfully remembering that moment, but then his face hardened as he remembered, “Well, then what is this with setting parameters about us in bed . . . only sex you said, nothing else. How many times have you said that to me? No sentimentality . . . you called it twaddle, don’t tell me that was just more cover, pull the other leg, Bodie.”

Bodie shook his head; his eyes showed his despair. “You’re right, sunshine, I’ve been a twit. After five years of being with you, smelling your skin, drinking your essence, and needing to be with you, I got shook. I got scared of needing you so much that I began to tell myself that I was too near to committing me life to you. Then, Jase came along and I used him as my excuse. I turned to him, hoping I could forget the image that I had of you writhing in my arms, all wild and crazy.”

“I don’t understand. If I meant so much to you and why’d you walk out on me when your contract expired? You left me to take another job. Why are you here now after all these months?”

“I can’t . . . I never could stand to see you hurt. When Murph told me about Cook and you havin’ to tell June Cook, I knew you’d be hurtin’ and I didn’t know if you had anybody here to comfort you, especially bein’ suspended and all.”

Ice crystals appeared in Doyle’s eyes, “And are you here now to comfort me?”

Bodie almost said yes then he realized what Doyle was really asking. Anger rose in his throat, but he forced it back down as he admitted to himself that he couldn’t blame Doyle, after all he had been the one to set the rules of their intimacy. Shaking his head, Bodie replied, “I’m here to give you comfort, not sex. I’m here as a friend, if you’ll have me. Nothing more. You mean everything to me, sunshine, but I will take what you can give me.”

Doyle stood rigid, finding it hard to believe that the man, who had walked out on so many, including himself, was now ready to give more to a relationship. In a whisper so quiet, Bodie could barely hear, Doyle asked, “And suppose the only thing I’m willing to give is sex?”

Bodie felt his heart break. He now knew it was over. He couldn’t treat Doyle as he had so many others. He stood for a moment, looking at the man that he had lost due to his own fears, and whispered, “I’ll be your friend, your partner, your lover, but I won’t be just your sex mate, not anymore.” Bodie turned towards the door before he broke down entirely.

From behind him, Bodie heard the words that he could hardly believe, “I love you, William Bodie. Will you take that?”

Bodie was afraid to turn, for fear that Doyle was making a jest or cruelly taunting him, but he could hear the light steps of the skinny man coming towards him. Suddenly he was in strong hands that were turning him around. Doyle embraced him in a hug that almost robbed him of his breath. Then Doyle kissed him so hard that he felt as if he had lost his tonsils into the vacuum that was Doyle’s mouth. They had seldom kissed when they were just having sex and this was a new but exciting experience for Bodie. Doyle’s mouth was wonderful, and he couldn’t get enough of it.

“What are you doin’, sunshine?”

“Can’t you tell? And you call me a moron!”

“I mean, if all you want is sex, and you don’t want me as your partner, then why are you actin’ like this now? Are you gettin’ back at me for the way I treated you?”

For a moment, Doyle’s temper rose, but then he looked into the insecure and wary eyes that studied him carefully. Doyle realized that Bodie had had very few people in his life who had trusted and loved him absolutely and that it would take awhile for Bodie to accept that there was nothing that Doyle wouldn’t do for his friend, including jump into the abyss of commitment if Bodie was willing to do the same.

Doyle smile lit up his face as he studied the man who had become so much a part of his life. When that person had so rudely withdrawn from his presence, Doyle had been angry, but he had already realized his true feelings for the dumb crud. Now if Bodie could just do the same. After all, Doyle had laid it on the line when he had confessed his love for Bodie, what if Bodie was interested in commitment for a few years until he tired of it? What if he only lusted after Doyle and nothing else?

Bodie read the frown on Doyle’s face perfectly, smiling silently to himself. His golli would worry himself into a stew if he didn’t do something fast, but before he said anything, the blackness at the edge of the abyss seemed to open up, as he told himself, if you do this, there is no going back because this is Ray. If I betray him after he’s given me his love, then he’ll be shattered and never forgive me. Bodie knew his golli well. He could hold grudges into eternity, and that’s what would be Bodie’s fate.

In those seconds as thousands of thoughts ran through the ex-merc’s mind, Bodie realized that it would be better to betray Doyle now than let this go any further. Doyle might get over it that way, at some future time.

Bodie continued to stand there staring into the ever deepening abyss, then he realized that Doyle was there waiting for him so the depths of commitment that Doyle expected from him weren’t so frightening. His greatest fear was losing Doyle; not committing to the moodiest, sharp-tongued individual on the face of the planet. Not commiting was stupid because it meant losing Doyle. Smiling his most endearing smile, Bodie looked deeply into the green orbs at the fear that lurked there. Kissing his love on his perfect nose, Bodie whispered, “Let’s discuss this more in the privacy of your bedroom.”

For a moment Doyle seemed to question Bodie’s motives, but then he looked into the depths of the midnight blue eyes and saw the love and affection that dwelled there. Nodding, Doyle grabbed Bodie’s hand and led him into the bedroom. By the time they arrived at the king-size bed both men were undressed. Without hesitating, Bodie grabbed his lover and dragged him onto the bed.

Bodie began to kiss every inch of the beloved body. He buried his nose in the furry chest and inched his way down to the auburn curls at the groin. Doyle’s manhood was standing erect, filled with need. Quickly Bodie licked the gorgeous cock and then swallowed it into his mouth. Both men were too far gone to last long. Within seconds, long spurts of crème erupted into his mouth as Bodie drank it greedily, swallowing every morsel. Finally, the two men fell back exhausted into each other’s arms. Pulling the duvet over their spent bodies, Doyle whispered, “But, what about you, love?”

Barely awake, Bodie lightly caressed the nearest Doyle ear as he whispered, “Been too many months without you, couldn’t wait.”

Sleepily Doyle looked at his worn-out mate, “You mean you came without me doin’ anything?”

“What do ya mean, ‘without doin’ anything, just the smell and look of you was enough to send me overboard. Don’t you know you’re a walkin’ wet dream? Now go to sleep. I have to have my beauty sleep ‘cause I got to report to Macklin for a refresher course in exactly two days.”

“You mean you’re going to leave me, just when we got back together after all this time?”

“Not exactly.”

“What does that mean?”

“Uh, well, the Cow thought that you might . . . well, should go along with your partner and have the refresher course too.”

“Whaaaatttt? Why should I do that? I’ve been on the job all these months; I don’t need a refresher course.”

“Well, he said something about partners doing that for their partner. Thought that was kind of poetic.”

“Poetic, I’ll give you poetic, W. A. P. Bodie. You owe me big time for this.”

“I know sweetheart, and I will definitely make it up to you. After all, I’m going to be your family now, aren’t I?”

Suddenly, Doyle ducked his head down into Bodie’s collarbone area as if trying to seek the comfort of the large man. This simple gesture shook Bodie. Why was Ray so upset?

“What’s the matter, angelfish?”

His voice muffled because his mouth was still buried in Bodie’s chest, Doyle whispered, “That’s what June said to me; that I didn’t have a family. It didn’t matter what happened to me, but I shouldn’t have recruited Cookie into CI5 because he did have a family.”

Bodie closed his eyes, realizing why Doyle had been in so much pain; what a lousy thing to say to his partner, but he knew June was hurting, and she wanted to strike back. Mumbling some nonsense words of comfort, Bodie soothed his upset lover and then reminded him, “Well, I’m your family now; so you hear me good, you got someone to worry about and someone who worries about you, so it does matter what we do since it will be for the rest of our lives.”

The two men settled down into each other’s arms and as they slid into sleep, Doyle heard Bodie’s whispered, “Love you, Ray,” as he fell asleep.

The End