(no subject)
oh life.
so it's that time. come august 1st, gaytown will be dissolved. i'm sure a bunch of you have already read this as our livejournal friendship is ever so mutual, but regardless.
also come this august i find myself homeless.
believe it or not, trying to find a single room in nyc is a pretty hard thing to do. people tend to invite their friends to live with them whenever possible, or the landlords skip around and find a new tenant to fill a spot. so this upcoming month i find myself without a home. and i have no idea how people can do that; spend their days couch surfing. living from house-to-house. i don't know. it's overwhelming to me. i've never been without a place to keep my things before. it's weird. i feel helpless and vulnerable. i sort of feel like i'm being cheated, though i know i'm not. everyone else walking out of this apartment has a friend or a group of friends to join them when they go. but i'm at it alone. i feel weird being the one person to walk away from this house with nothing. and though i don't REALLY feel like i'm being cheated, i do feel as though i've been let down.
for whatever reasons plans made with friends never panned out. they were never more than just words for them, though they were actual plans for me. i was counting on things. hoping for a development. but unfortunately i mistook pander for plans, and i've ended up empty handed. i should have figured.
that said, in tune with the other tenants of 235 montrose, i feel like the entire last year was a wash. we lived it all wrong. some things shouldn't have happened, while other things should have. but they did or they didn't and now we're parting ways. i could go on and on about regrets and i could make promises to myself and others. but i won't - because i feel like once we're out of here things will be different. better? i think so. fixed? probably not. more comfortable? i hope so. and i think that sounds a bit harsh, like i'm running out on my family and counting on distance to make our hearts grow fonder. but that certainly isn't the case. i'm trying to make it out of here without crying myself to sleep/awake every night/morning. which is the reason behind my recent distance, though it certainly isn't an excuse nor is it an answer.
i know i'll miss seeing heather and jason every day. i know i'll miss our occasional prime time movie nights, jason singing at all hours of the day, heather's bizarre work stories. and us just being close. i know i'll miss every single thing about living with ryan, be it fights or laughs, movies or videogames. but i also know that if i stop to think about everything that's upsetting me i will implode. i've got no money, no house, and my closest friends are all fleeing in opposite directions. life.
although, i do feel as though our friendships will survive and be better for having been mangled by everything we should have said but didn't. and i feel like once we're not around one another all of the time it'll make it easier to call one another every other day and find out what's going on and how we're living our lives. and i think that will bring us back together. and maybe, a year from now, gaytown will be reassembled. or maybe, a year from now, we'll all be living in different states. but i dunno.
i'll be okay.
so it's that time. come august 1st, gaytown will be dissolved. i'm sure a bunch of you have already read this as our livejournal friendship is ever so mutual, but regardless.
also come this august i find myself homeless.
believe it or not, trying to find a single room in nyc is a pretty hard thing to do. people tend to invite their friends to live with them whenever possible, or the landlords skip around and find a new tenant to fill a spot. so this upcoming month i find myself without a home. and i have no idea how people can do that; spend their days couch surfing. living from house-to-house. i don't know. it's overwhelming to me. i've never been without a place to keep my things before. it's weird. i feel helpless and vulnerable. i sort of feel like i'm being cheated, though i know i'm not. everyone else walking out of this apartment has a friend or a group of friends to join them when they go. but i'm at it alone. i feel weird being the one person to walk away from this house with nothing. and though i don't REALLY feel like i'm being cheated, i do feel as though i've been let down.
for whatever reasons plans made with friends never panned out. they were never more than just words for them, though they were actual plans for me. i was counting on things. hoping for a development. but unfortunately i mistook pander for plans, and i've ended up empty handed. i should have figured.
that said, in tune with the other tenants of 235 montrose, i feel like the entire last year was a wash. we lived it all wrong. some things shouldn't have happened, while other things should have. but they did or they didn't and now we're parting ways. i could go on and on about regrets and i could make promises to myself and others. but i won't - because i feel like once we're out of here things will be different. better? i think so. fixed? probably not. more comfortable? i hope so. and i think that sounds a bit harsh, like i'm running out on my family and counting on distance to make our hearts grow fonder. but that certainly isn't the case. i'm trying to make it out of here without crying myself to sleep/awake every night/morning. which is the reason behind my recent distance, though it certainly isn't an excuse nor is it an answer.
i know i'll miss seeing heather and jason every day. i know i'll miss our occasional prime time movie nights, jason singing at all hours of the day, heather's bizarre work stories. and us just being close. i know i'll miss every single thing about living with ryan, be it fights or laughs, movies or videogames. but i also know that if i stop to think about everything that's upsetting me i will implode. i've got no money, no house, and my closest friends are all fleeing in opposite directions. life.
although, i do feel as though our friendships will survive and be better for having been mangled by everything we should have said but didn't. and i feel like once we're not around one another all of the time it'll make it easier to call one another every other day and find out what's going on and how we're living our lives. and i think that will bring us back together. and maybe, a year from now, gaytown will be reassembled. or maybe, a year from now, we'll all be living in different states. but i dunno.
i'll be okay.