all wick, no candle
I've been spending all my time working. As in no time pursuing attractions, hobbies, or personal projects. Damn long hours. Not much fun. But that's not it. So, and you were warned, comes an honest review of my love-life or lack thereof.
I wonder if it shows too much when I am crushed occasionally by it. It being the weight of emotions unbridled by reason. Better yet, I am perplexed by the power held by my attractions. Time, distance, and sensibilities have nothing to offer in the face of what may be an obsession. Days go by without a thought of it and then it hits me when I least expect it. It doesn't have a name. Clarify - "it" is the memory of a comfortable being in my skin; a deep interconnection I have had with a few beautiful people; a welcomed solitude to forge inner peace and understanding. Sometimes I see the face of Ms. Elizabeth smiling and lightly scolding me for being a wise-ass. Cheri loved me and I don't know why I walked away. Sandra wanted to love me, but I was just a step away from a father to her and she resented that. The other Sandra was crazy, but my kind of crazy and we kept meeting at the wrong time. Charlene was gay and I was too dumb to notice. Randi was on the path to destruction and nobody wanted to be there to witness it. Tiffany never gave me a chance, I was a tool for jealousy for her. Sasha was pure fun and she knew how to get what ever she wanted. Amy wanted me but had her life already planned for her by her father who I never met. She would have been the best mother of them all. Lisa, Susan, Colleen, Sheryl, Heather, Chris, Sara, Elena, and Angelle were purely sexual relationships. Dinner, movies, dancing, drinking, yes, but more sex than anything. I never loved anyone more deeply than Elizabeth. There have been two major attractions for me in recent times. Jenny, who is fun and smart, but too young for me to get past cerebralizing any thought of being very serious. Angie showed up at a vulnerable to suggestion, very manic depressive point for me and for the life of me I cannot figure out the basis for the attraction. I rarely show interest in anyone who doesn't show any interest in me. There is a historical precedent, but that doesn't apply. I believe it is purely olfactory and associative transference. How's that for cerebral? Well, but there's Melinda who is so damn sweet. Then the "think" comes and says, "you'll destroy what you love, so let it go."
The recurring theme says," you're damaged goods and therefore shouldn't couple or invest time in a meaningful relationship." I can't have a genetic child without cloning. Big disadvantage in the 'what I have to offer' category, or at least the negative self talk button is labeled that way. Not rich, nor strive to be. Die broke is my slogan. Emotionally unavailable due to previous crushings. Moderate trust issues. So to recap, standards that are unreasonable, low relationship-specific confidence, and empathy for the possible realities are my main sticking points. A more positive review may follow some recent success if I don't screw it up. Jenny will be back tomorrow and I'm not sure what we will do.
I wonder if it shows too much when I am crushed occasionally by it. It being the weight of emotions unbridled by reason. Better yet, I am perplexed by the power held by my attractions. Time, distance, and sensibilities have nothing to offer in the face of what may be an obsession. Days go by without a thought of it and then it hits me when I least expect it. It doesn't have a name. Clarify - "it" is the memory of a comfortable being in my skin; a deep interconnection I have had with a few beautiful people; a welcomed solitude to forge inner peace and understanding. Sometimes I see the face of Ms. Elizabeth smiling and lightly scolding me for being a wise-ass. Cheri loved me and I don't know why I walked away. Sandra wanted to love me, but I was just a step away from a father to her and she resented that. The other Sandra was crazy, but my kind of crazy and we kept meeting at the wrong time. Charlene was gay and I was too dumb to notice. Randi was on the path to destruction and nobody wanted to be there to witness it. Tiffany never gave me a chance, I was a tool for jealousy for her. Sasha was pure fun and she knew how to get what ever she wanted. Amy wanted me but had her life already planned for her by her father who I never met. She would have been the best mother of them all. Lisa, Susan, Colleen, Sheryl, Heather, Chris, Sara, Elena, and Angelle were purely sexual relationships. Dinner, movies, dancing, drinking, yes, but more sex than anything. I never loved anyone more deeply than Elizabeth. There have been two major attractions for me in recent times. Jenny, who is fun and smart, but too young for me to get past cerebralizing any thought of being very serious. Angie showed up at a vulnerable to suggestion, very manic depressive point for me and for the life of me I cannot figure out the basis for the attraction. I rarely show interest in anyone who doesn't show any interest in me. There is a historical precedent, but that doesn't apply. I believe it is purely olfactory and associative transference. How's that for cerebral? Well, but there's Melinda who is so damn sweet. Then the "think" comes and says, "you'll destroy what you love, so let it go."
The recurring theme says," you're damaged goods and therefore shouldn't couple or invest time in a meaningful relationship." I can't have a genetic child without cloning. Big disadvantage in the 'what I have to offer' category, or at least the negative self talk button is labeled that way. Not rich, nor strive to be. Die broke is my slogan. Emotionally unavailable due to previous crushings. Moderate trust issues. So to recap, standards that are unreasonable, low relationship-specific confidence, and empathy for the possible realities are my main sticking points. A more positive review may follow some recent success if I don't screw it up. Jenny will be back tomorrow and I'm not sure what we will do.