(no subject)
oh i told myself that i'd tell my mother that i need money. but i didn't, yet again, laughed it off and changed the topic, swiftly.
applied for a million jobs and am quite unlikely to hear from any of them at all.
decided to disregard the future (fuck forever eh?) and cash in (or credit in really, travel around europe on what was supposed to be my ticket home)
erm what else.
days spent with a bottle (or maybe a cup when a kind italian gentleman decides that it's 'far more beauitful') in leicester square, and dalston the night before and walking from bus stop to bus stop. awaking late, and then traisping through the unknown parts of town. dreaming of a time when all this is slightly more accessible. oh money money money. i wrote a list late last night of everything i'll do and buy once success somehow knocks on my door.
regent's park in the sunshine and 3 litres of lambrini. shaking uncontrollably at some distressing, but untrue news. drink, after drink guzzled down at the dublin castle (our pub) and epiphanies involving love and london and new found home. but not epiphanies really. known all along and just not spoken aloud.
death on the stairs of kings cross station. falling and forgotten oyster cards and fairly wasted, yes. stumbling back alone, but with company in my heart (now and forever and ever and ever). take-away food (how did i afford that?) and my bag and all it's contents covered in what was supposed to be my dinner. beyond caring of course.
death on the stairs of home too, as i wobbled up (and crawled too) the many many flights. almost gave up and just deposited myself on the landing. but some super human force spurred me on and into bed. where i lay for six hours not sleeping a wink. thinking and pondering and planning and hoping that somehow things would actually work out.
so much to do.
in some vague (and doubtlessly tactless) way, i let my mother know that i'm staying. something along the lines of "i can't be completely happy because you're not here, but i can't be at all happy anywhere else"
it's funny how you find something or some place (or some people. oh yes.) who you just realise you cannot. CANNOT. leave. ever.