as to what i posted yesterday
two aspects to my life....one fueling the other
I can't get her out of my head. I just had to do the stupidist thing ever and send her a msg via FB couple weekends ago which just made it worse. Now i cant help but want to ask her out for coffee.
WTF am I doing? Do I magically think that I could somehow reserect a relationship with her? That is go back to being what it use to be? Who the fuck am I kidding. Best case scenario is the worst now that I think about it.
Scenario worst: she says no and we never talk again
Scenario best: she says sure and we rebuild our relationship and we get back into almost dating and we end up having the worst kinda relationship because I dont trust her, we break up and I stuck right where I am now.
See how the best ends up as the worst?
I'm loosing my fucking mind and I dont know what it was that brought me to sending her a message. It seems as tho I'm attracted to disaster. Mellisa, Cari, Hope, Bri
These are the only girls where I've had that spark with. And either they are crazy, fucked up or stupid
Mellisa: Silver tounged she-devil. Sneaky bitch that lied all the time and (now looking back on it) it was all so obvious
Bri: Stupid. I should just give up on her but right when I do she pops back up in my life. Last October was a mistake and I basically told her: we had a time, it came and left. you knew how I felt. Dont pull this bullshit now saying "oh i wanted to marry you". I hate you for doing what you did back in HS and I hate you for doing a 180 now....OH and with a bf that you say you love but say that we have the something extra that you want. fuck you
Cari: I don't know where to start with you. You were my fire. Honestly, it didn't matter what job i had, where I lived, how much was in my bank account. As long as I had you i didnt care. You wanted me to watch that movie bout the chick who marries a guy then he dies and in the end she finds that she wont marry again because she will always be attached to her old husband. You said that was how you felt about me. I guess that was a lie
Maybe I didnt show you how much that meant to me....or notice how much that means to me now. We break up and you tell me "we aren't over". You cheated on me and admitted it and that is the one time I broke a promise to myself. That I would never date a cheater again. But you were upfront and told me which is the only reason I stayed with you. I thought that MAYBE....just MAYBE you were different. That you would upfront and honest with me. You waited years for me to date you. You screamed and cried at slipknot music in my parents basement while I dated Angie. Hating me for dating her....knowing I hated dating her.
And then this.....you threw all that shit away. We fucking planned out a future. I was scared....I bet you were too but....fuck. How could you have done what you did. You wonder why I'm fucked up now? You wonder why Katie and I failed? Because I'm a closed off motherfucker that wont let any girl close now.
I hate you so much but can't let you go
Hope: Dear god. I already see problems there. Flirtatious bitch and other people see the spark between us. I'd never want someone like you for a gf. The way you act toward people...I'm not suprised you bf get jealous/pissed. Now you say you live with him and want to move out.
*EDIT*
Katie: I truely am sorry. In all reality, you were suppose to be a rebound that ended up lasting way too long. I first told you I loved you when I was hammered. I always asked myself "do you see youself with her forver?". The answer for me was easy but I was afraid of breaking up with you. I held out until you couldnt deal with it anymore. It was a combo of me drinking and not having that spark with you and feeling trapped. I don't expect you to ever forgive me (I wouldnt) but I want you to know I am sorry for everything. I went into that relationship hoping it would easy the pain of Cari and it didn't....I was broken and you (unfortunatly) weren't the cure.
I have to stop drinking. I've been given this amazing opportunity at this job and I'm gonna end up fucking it all up due to drinking. It's hard to focus, I'm tired all day, I forget shit. Jennifer pulled me into her office and talked to me. I know she was putting her HR hat on and saying how good i was doing but the main point was to bring up that I smelled like booze.
I thought about it today a lot. How amzing this opportunity is and that im pissing it away. I've told myself I dont know how many time I need to get off the sauce. It's fucked too since I watched my mom literally drink herself stupid. I guess the Hollywood Undead "the diary" is perfect in this regard. Fuck when I havent drank for a couple days I feel amazing, energized, can focus...etc. I know it now that it is fucking stupid what im doing.
So why do i drink? It's not fun....I dont have a fun time when I drink. I know where the exessive drinking started tho. I dont wanna put the blame on Cari but I know she probably has a lot to do with it. I guess i wanted to drink her complety out of my mind....and i cant do it.
I have a fucking tattoo ready to get when I get off the sauce. I wanna break down right now. I can't believe I'm doing this to myself. Fuck I watch those intervention shows and people have some fucked up shit that happens to them. What happened to me? a crappy relationship and a drunk mom.....not that much. My problems aren't bad.
I need to stop...NEED. I know that usually when I focus on something I make it happen. It's hard to do this because I dont want to break a promise but...
from here on fourth...I'm not gonna do what I've been doing. No weekday drinking. You've been given an amazing opportunity....dont fuck that up. This is what you wanted. Don't throw that away. Swollow it up fuck nuts. you had a shitty relationship...get over it. drop it or ask her out for coffee. It's better than just sitting there wondering. move, go, live, dont feel sorry. Right now your everything you never wanted to be. fix that. Be like your dad. Look at the shit he's been through. 5x worse and he is able to hold it togeather.
No more....for the love of everything you hold dear....no more
I can't get her out of my head. I just had to do the stupidist thing ever and send her a msg via FB couple weekends ago which just made it worse. Now i cant help but want to ask her out for coffee.
WTF am I doing? Do I magically think that I could somehow reserect a relationship with her? That is go back to being what it use to be? Who the fuck am I kidding. Best case scenario is the worst now that I think about it.
Scenario worst: she says no and we never talk again
Scenario best: she says sure and we rebuild our relationship and we get back into almost dating and we end up having the worst kinda relationship because I dont trust her, we break up and I stuck right where I am now.
See how the best ends up as the worst?
I'm loosing my fucking mind and I dont know what it was that brought me to sending her a message. It seems as tho I'm attracted to disaster. Mellisa, Cari, Hope, Bri
These are the only girls where I've had that spark with. And either they are crazy, fucked up or stupid
Mellisa: Silver tounged she-devil. Sneaky bitch that lied all the time and (now looking back on it) it was all so obvious
Bri: Stupid. I should just give up on her but right when I do she pops back up in my life. Last October was a mistake and I basically told her: we had a time, it came and left. you knew how I felt. Dont pull this bullshit now saying "oh i wanted to marry you". I hate you for doing what you did back in HS and I hate you for doing a 180 now....OH and with a bf that you say you love but say that we have the something extra that you want. fuck you
Cari: I don't know where to start with you. You were my fire. Honestly, it didn't matter what job i had, where I lived, how much was in my bank account. As long as I had you i didnt care. You wanted me to watch that movie bout the chick who marries a guy then he dies and in the end she finds that she wont marry again because she will always be attached to her old husband. You said that was how you felt about me. I guess that was a lie
Maybe I didnt show you how much that meant to me....or notice how much that means to me now. We break up and you tell me "we aren't over". You cheated on me and admitted it and that is the one time I broke a promise to myself. That I would never date a cheater again. But you were upfront and told me which is the only reason I stayed with you. I thought that MAYBE....just MAYBE you were different. That you would upfront and honest with me. You waited years for me to date you. You screamed and cried at slipknot music in my parents basement while I dated Angie. Hating me for dating her....knowing I hated dating her.
And then this.....you threw all that shit away. We fucking planned out a future. I was scared....I bet you were too but....fuck. How could you have done what you did. You wonder why I'm fucked up now? You wonder why Katie and I failed? Because I'm a closed off motherfucker that wont let any girl close now.
I hate you so much but can't let you go
Hope: Dear god. I already see problems there. Flirtatious bitch and other people see the spark between us. I'd never want someone like you for a gf. The way you act toward people...I'm not suprised you bf get jealous/pissed. Now you say you live with him and want to move out.
*EDIT*
Katie: I truely am sorry. In all reality, you were suppose to be a rebound that ended up lasting way too long. I first told you I loved you when I was hammered. I always asked myself "do you see youself with her forver?". The answer for me was easy but I was afraid of breaking up with you. I held out until you couldnt deal with it anymore. It was a combo of me drinking and not having that spark with you and feeling trapped. I don't expect you to ever forgive me (I wouldnt) but I want you to know I am sorry for everything. I went into that relationship hoping it would easy the pain of Cari and it didn't....I was broken and you (unfortunatly) weren't the cure.
I have to stop drinking. I've been given this amazing opportunity at this job and I'm gonna end up fucking it all up due to drinking. It's hard to focus, I'm tired all day, I forget shit. Jennifer pulled me into her office and talked to me. I know she was putting her HR hat on and saying how good i was doing but the main point was to bring up that I smelled like booze.
I thought about it today a lot. How amzing this opportunity is and that im pissing it away. I've told myself I dont know how many time I need to get off the sauce. It's fucked too since I watched my mom literally drink herself stupid. I guess the Hollywood Undead "the diary" is perfect in this regard. Fuck when I havent drank for a couple days I feel amazing, energized, can focus...etc. I know it now that it is fucking stupid what im doing.
So why do i drink? It's not fun....I dont have a fun time when I drink. I know where the exessive drinking started tho. I dont wanna put the blame on Cari but I know she probably has a lot to do with it. I guess i wanted to drink her complety out of my mind....and i cant do it.
I have a fucking tattoo ready to get when I get off the sauce. I wanna break down right now. I can't believe I'm doing this to myself. Fuck I watch those intervention shows and people have some fucked up shit that happens to them. What happened to me? a crappy relationship and a drunk mom.....not that much. My problems aren't bad.
I need to stop...NEED. I know that usually when I focus on something I make it happen. It's hard to do this because I dont want to break a promise but...
from here on fourth...I'm not gonna do what I've been doing. No weekday drinking. You've been given an amazing opportunity....dont fuck that up. This is what you wanted. Don't throw that away. Swollow it up fuck nuts. you had a shitty relationship...get over it. drop it or ask her out for coffee. It's better than just sitting there wondering. move, go, live, dont feel sorry. Right now your everything you never wanted to be. fix that. Be like your dad. Look at the shit he's been through. 5x worse and he is able to hold it togeather.
No more....for the love of everything you hold dear....no more