warning- this may trigger
Heyy Loves!
i am feeling extremly low and i really need to vent. i know you all understand me.
today was my dad's birthday- i knew it was going to be hard but i was determined to try and be a " normal girl" i ate and i feel horrible, in the middle of the dinner it hit me like a ton of bricks- omg there is such and such amount of calories in this. and BAM! like magic i added up all the calories in everything at the table. even little things. i went home and took a scolding hot shower and cried and scrubed my body almost raw. my arms and legs turned red and i just cried. i feel like absolute crap! the whole ride home and in the shower the "anorexic voices" whispered to me: seina you are getting fat. do u feel that in your stomach- it is the foood slowly turning into fat. wait till morning. you will be huge! you are disgusting. you wil never be thin.." i wanna cry even more!
i am so envious of my dad and step-mom. no they are not thin like my mom but they are normal. they can eat at resturants and enjoy themselves when they want and not feel guilty. i canoot remember the last time i ate without thinking about it or thinking how many calories there are in whatever it was i was eatting.
yesterday i had a massive panic attack and had to go see my school psycologist. i was shaking and felt dizzy. it was really scary. luckily she calmed me down. i hate panic attacks.
god there is so much wrong with me. i feel like a crazy person- anorexica with bulimic tendecies, body dismorphia disorder, self harm issues, depression, aniexty/panic disorder. like serious WTF. i can't even remember a time when i was happy or what it feels like to really be happy. im so messed up idk what to do.
how are you all doing though?
ily all<3
XOXO