1 longgggg dream
the dream machine has not been quiet as i have, from these pages, for so long. much has happened. but now is not the time to write about life changes, yet, as there have been many significant changes in the last few months. later, i promise. in any case, i would like very much to simply write for you, another dream, another, long dream. and so, it begins...
it was another late evening, i knew she had to sleep soon, work in the am...yet here we were,
at the kitchen table again, darkness closing us in. except for the light over the table there
was darkness all around. yet we sat there, talking, discussing, arguing. and for the life of me i do not know why. all of this had ended already, months ago, years ago? but i could not let go of it. and i had to push, had to try, had to figure out why (even though i already knew). the reality of it was that it was over and there was nothing i could do to change it. why was i here, late, pushing? rehashing? questioning a mind that had already made its mind up? the lasting images: you across from me, not smiling, but smug, half grin, knowing, confident in its knowledge and me, protesting, pushing, being silly, again, right up until the end of the evening and i knew it was over and there was no use in trying but still i did. it ended officially with my arms up in the air, frustrations overflowing, but only on my end. for you there was no question, so much time had passed, i only appeared silly in my inability to let go, after all this time. you walked upstairs and slept easily. and i drove home, fast and sought liquid to end my torment and put me to sleep quickly: eventually, victory.
next day it is zake and i, at the mall, doing some pointless shopping. and what mall? fuck, there is no mall in bend, at least not the kind of mall we both knew. we were looking at clothes, just rifling through racks at some nondescript shop. whatever. to my surprise, i look up, and there she is. working here. at this mall? what the fucking fuck? she's looking cute, wearing some sort of blue and white checkered dress, with ruffly sleeves. it looks as though she is on her way out, her shift over? idfk. i mention to zake that i see her. i point her out. he sees. and as we're browsing we notice her heading for the front entrance. in a creepy/non-creepy fashion we follow, but not to the point of stalking, just keeping our distance. just see her laughing with a friend as she's walking out. eventually she walks out of our line of vision, out of the mall, and that's that, the scene closes.
next thing i know, i am at an autoshop. taking jeep in or taking a different car or whatever, in for work. it could take a few days i'm told, and i was instructed by the woman there that i was free to take the "loaner" which lives out back. it used to be her regular everyday vehicle: an old dodge ram. it doesnt sound so bad. i head out back and find it, a dark grey/black dodge ram, a big ass old pickup. i hop in, turn it over and drive home: easy enough.
it's the next day and i'm due to take part in a golf tournament (much like the one through kulshan this past summer). i don't remember why but i'm running late, i'm scrambling to get my shit to make it out there to the tourney, i remember a coworker was gonna stop by my place and grab my clubs. im speaking with this coworker on the phone, it's all set, i just need to get my ass there. but then i realize they didnt get my shoes. once i get to the course i realize this and i'm frustrated by this fact: i can't be seen without proper shoes. i speed home, and find them in the entryway, i dont remember if i was living alone, with my mom, or with a friend or with izz, i just dont know. i get them, and speed back to the course. it was a shotgun start. i was scrambling to get my shoes on in time. i run to the cart. i see bill. the carts lined up are just heading off to their respective holes and all is well...
the tournament is fun, but much like the kulshan tournament, i feel like i am underwhelmed by the skill level of the players around me. i mean come on, can't i at least be on a team that has even mild success? anyway. day goes on, and i am due to return the truck. after stopping at home, i head to the autoshop. as i pull in front and walk inside, the woman instructs me to park it in back again: easy enough. as i head that way, it feels tighter (that's what she said, literally), and find it a struggle to park it. i pull in, but the brakes and transmission, even when its in P doesn't stop the vehicle from moving. im going slowly, but still manage to bump into the apartment complex several times. at one point i am simply trying to park and leave it but ive slid into the flower bed. a resident comes by, i feel embarrassed. eventually i guess i get it parked. i walk to town.
im with a group of friends, theres a river. we're walking through a town. and i mean like, we're really walking through all of it, exploring it, seeing all the nooks and crannies. into barns and alleyways and i mean, i know the town, but not this well. and i just wonder where its all leading me. later on we're winding back towards the river and i can feel something building up. and then all of my friends disappear. i am transformed into this sort of battle commander. and somehow i realize that the task at hand is to defend this bridge. the amazing situation is, is that i am allowed to create units at will. as in i am in charge or controlling some sort of video game. and i already know that i need to create special units, lookout units, infantry units, and i setup a long line of defence, 10+ men strung out across the plaza protecting the bridge. and i know i can call up more. i have lookouts posted. i briefly contemplate calling in armor. if i had a tank or two, then fuck the enemy, i'd blast them to pieces! and then it happens. an enemy brigade is spotted rolling into town, rather swiftly, but, when will they get to us? what will happen when they do? i am left in this limbo feeling, i can see them approaching on my monitors, but i struggle to ascertain from which direction. eventually i resign myself to wait, to sink into the confidence that i know what im doing. i can handle whatever is coming.
i wake up back into reality but then am afforded the opportunity to head back into the dream. as i do, i can only get so far as to check back into the situation and realize it is still on standby. and that is where i am left. in a perpetual status of standby, but also armed with the knowledge that i will be able to handle whatever it is that is coming for me...
it was another late evening, i knew she had to sleep soon, work in the am...yet here we were,
at the kitchen table again, darkness closing us in. except for the light over the table there
was darkness all around. yet we sat there, talking, discussing, arguing. and for the life of me i do not know why. all of this had ended already, months ago, years ago? but i could not let go of it. and i had to push, had to try, had to figure out why (even though i already knew). the reality of it was that it was over and there was nothing i could do to change it. why was i here, late, pushing? rehashing? questioning a mind that had already made its mind up? the lasting images: you across from me, not smiling, but smug, half grin, knowing, confident in its knowledge and me, protesting, pushing, being silly, again, right up until the end of the evening and i knew it was over and there was no use in trying but still i did. it ended officially with my arms up in the air, frustrations overflowing, but only on my end. for you there was no question, so much time had passed, i only appeared silly in my inability to let go, after all this time. you walked upstairs and slept easily. and i drove home, fast and sought liquid to end my torment and put me to sleep quickly: eventually, victory.
next day it is zake and i, at the mall, doing some pointless shopping. and what mall? fuck, there is no mall in bend, at least not the kind of mall we both knew. we were looking at clothes, just rifling through racks at some nondescript shop. whatever. to my surprise, i look up, and there she is. working here. at this mall? what the fucking fuck? she's looking cute, wearing some sort of blue and white checkered dress, with ruffly sleeves. it looks as though she is on her way out, her shift over? idfk. i mention to zake that i see her. i point her out. he sees. and as we're browsing we notice her heading for the front entrance. in a creepy/non-creepy fashion we follow, but not to the point of stalking, just keeping our distance. just see her laughing with a friend as she's walking out. eventually she walks out of our line of vision, out of the mall, and that's that, the scene closes.
next thing i know, i am at an autoshop. taking jeep in or taking a different car or whatever, in for work. it could take a few days i'm told, and i was instructed by the woman there that i was free to take the "loaner" which lives out back. it used to be her regular everyday vehicle: an old dodge ram. it doesnt sound so bad. i head out back and find it, a dark grey/black dodge ram, a big ass old pickup. i hop in, turn it over and drive home: easy enough.
it's the next day and i'm due to take part in a golf tournament (much like the one through kulshan this past summer). i don't remember why but i'm running late, i'm scrambling to get my shit to make it out there to the tourney, i remember a coworker was gonna stop by my place and grab my clubs. im speaking with this coworker on the phone, it's all set, i just need to get my ass there. but then i realize they didnt get my shoes. once i get to the course i realize this and i'm frustrated by this fact: i can't be seen without proper shoes. i speed home, and find them in the entryway, i dont remember if i was living alone, with my mom, or with a friend or with izz, i just dont know. i get them, and speed back to the course. it was a shotgun start. i was scrambling to get my shoes on in time. i run to the cart. i see bill. the carts lined up are just heading off to their respective holes and all is well...
the tournament is fun, but much like the kulshan tournament, i feel like i am underwhelmed by the skill level of the players around me. i mean come on, can't i at least be on a team that has even mild success? anyway. day goes on, and i am due to return the truck. after stopping at home, i head to the autoshop. as i pull in front and walk inside, the woman instructs me to park it in back again: easy enough. as i head that way, it feels tighter (that's what she said, literally), and find it a struggle to park it. i pull in, but the brakes and transmission, even when its in P doesn't stop the vehicle from moving. im going slowly, but still manage to bump into the apartment complex several times. at one point i am simply trying to park and leave it but ive slid into the flower bed. a resident comes by, i feel embarrassed. eventually i guess i get it parked. i walk to town.
im with a group of friends, theres a river. we're walking through a town. and i mean like, we're really walking through all of it, exploring it, seeing all the nooks and crannies. into barns and alleyways and i mean, i know the town, but not this well. and i just wonder where its all leading me. later on we're winding back towards the river and i can feel something building up. and then all of my friends disappear. i am transformed into this sort of battle commander. and somehow i realize that the task at hand is to defend this bridge. the amazing situation is, is that i am allowed to create units at will. as in i am in charge or controlling some sort of video game. and i already know that i need to create special units, lookout units, infantry units, and i setup a long line of defence, 10+ men strung out across the plaza protecting the bridge. and i know i can call up more. i have lookouts posted. i briefly contemplate calling in armor. if i had a tank or two, then fuck the enemy, i'd blast them to pieces! and then it happens. an enemy brigade is spotted rolling into town, rather swiftly, but, when will they get to us? what will happen when they do? i am left in this limbo feeling, i can see them approaching on my monitors, but i struggle to ascertain from which direction. eventually i resign myself to wait, to sink into the confidence that i know what im doing. i can handle whatever is coming.
i wake up back into reality but then am afforded the opportunity to head back into the dream. as i do, i can only get so far as to check back into the situation and realize it is still on standby. and that is where i am left. in a perpetual status of standby, but also armed with the knowledge that i will be able to handle whatever it is that is coming for me...