tonight, this feeling
im driving through the rain late. the water hitting the windshield faster than the windshield wipers are clearing it. the roads are a mess. yet there is no one else out at this hour. i might as well have been on another planet. nights like these. where i feel completely alienated. no matter what i do. really blow ass. i drink. i smoke. yet even as im driving through these horrible conditions, i feel nothing. perhaps that is best. i don't know where i should be tonight. here in my room. somewhere else. with friends. with family. alone. who's to say? ive got everything i need right here, yet i feel so fucking alone. it's nights like these that i wish she were here. i know she feels the same yet some nights, and some days it feels like she wants nothing to do with me. and as the lyrics "i need you so much closer..." repeat over and over i feel them inside my heart. it is so true. there ARE greater forces at work here than either of us are able to comprehend. and even though i believe that. i have so much difficulty in believing that. why is that? i want her so bad. feel as though she is the one thing in my life that makes sense. feel like if we were together. if we became one then everything in the world would make sense and all would be good. some nights i drink just to feel nothing. i don't want to think about this. i don't want to deal with this fucking fucked situation that i'm in. i want january to be here so much more quickly. and even though it feels as though it's coming at one thousand miles an hour, i want it faster. i want her face. her hands. her mind. her words so close. i want to taste her being. i want to feel her body. i want to lay in her arms. and she has told me she wants it too. but i tell you, some days and some nights i really doubt it. im so scared to let go of what i've got here. so scared to take a chance. so worried that she won't be what she is inside my dreams. so scared that she won't be what she was on the phone. so scared that what this is just can't amount to what we both have felt. i want to let go. and feel only the wind. hear only the passing whispers. feel only her touch. all i want is one day. one day to confirm or unconfirm what i know is oh so fucking true. that's honestly all i've got. i'm tired of this life. im tired of wanting so much more but feeling as though i'll never get what i really want. feeling like i'm tied to this post. i want so badly to take two steps aside. take a moment to catch my breath. i don't want this. but i'm so scared to let go because what if i let go only to realize that what i lost is really what i want? i'm 22. 22 fucking years old. so young. so naive. so lost. so small in this universe. what is this that i'm feeling? just come to me and be with me and let us feel this amazing feeling like we do whenever i see or hear your words. fuck. just please come and take all of this away. make it evaporate into nothingness. but alas, my dreams. my fears. my aspirations amount to nothing. and in the end all i'm left with is me. maybe that is self-centered. but it's fucking true. tonight it's me and shiner bock and the last two bottles of beer that i've got left. fuck me once again.
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