writing
so ive been wanting to write for a long time. lots of things to talk about, and discuss. ive come down with something. lots of ppl around me are sick and finally my body just gave into it. i think im pulling out of it though. all day today has felt like some sort of drugged up and groggy dream. seriously, the meds have messed with my head and mind and i have felt numb and slightly drunk all day long. had justine on my mind all yesterday and today. just cant escape it. i realized im ready for her. im ready to meet her and find out all about her and understand her mind and her being and know everything she is. i want coffee shops, and long late night intellectual conversation, incredible passion, slow quiet mornings spent in bed and in bathrobes, walks through parks, travel to sleepy mountain villages...i want everything she has to offer. i wish there was a way to get to it. and i feel like such a dick. such a piece of work to be writing and thinking such things when i am here with vee. i just feel so lame sometimes. and life collapses in on me some days. i look around and all i see is everything i need to do but never seem to complete. i want to live simply. with only the necessities one needs to survive. i dont know if thats even possible. but one day i hope to look back on life and tell myself i made the right decisions. i almost messaged kirst back the other day. but just before i began to type i stopped myself and didnt send anything. parts of me want to reply. tell her what i havent. other parts of me want to forget her. i keep telling myself its just not worth it. and i honestly want to believe it. i'll let time pass. and maybe when enough does, i'll come back and say hey. but who knows. maybe i'll just let it go like i should have long ago. i wish j were here tonight. close. or just her voice on the phone. we could talk all night. until the sun was rising. and then i would know everything will be ok...
z
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