Stop There (Let Me Correct It)
Title: Stop There (Let Me Correct It)
Author: longerthanwedo
Beta: melody_so_sweet <3
Rating: PG
Pairing: Rydon
POV: Brendon’s
Summary: I was left with your words, still ringing in my ears, “I love you too.” They didn’t sound near as sweet as I always dreamed they would. Instead they lodged there, making my heart heavy and making my head hurt. Because I was too late.
Disclaimer: This is just wishful thinking.
Author’s Notes: Written at midnight in the dark because I had the words-won’t-get-out-of-my-head problem. This is sad, but unlike most of my stuff, it actually has a happy ending! If anyone wants to beta this just really quickly because I don’t think there’s any mistakes then I’ll post it to SATD. But otherwise I’ll just leave it here.
It was too much work before.
That was all. It was too hard, or rather we thought too hard about it. It was stressful, it was forced, but only because we made it that way.
We’d wanted each other for so long, so long, that we were used to it. We were used to wanting, yearning. Looking, wishing, but never touching.
We each had our perfect ideas. We each fantasized every night about what it would be like.
What would it be like if he felt the same way?
That was the thought that ran constantly through my brain for years and years.
I always had my own answer to that question, too. I thought it would be perfect. It would be amazing, new and fucking perfect. We would belong to each other, only to each other. There would only be us, no one to interfere, no jealousy, no hate; there would be nothing but love.
I fantasized day in and day out about this fantastic love we’d share.
What if he felt the same way?
But I never acted. I never did anything about it.
I think that I was so used to living in my own head that I paid little attention to what was happening in the real world, in our friendship, in our band. My head was so full of imaginary conversations that it took me a long time to notice that we hardly spoke anymore.
In my head you - the dream you - and I were always on the same page. I didn’t notice until it was too late that we weren’t heading in the same direction with our music anymore.
I didn’t spot the damage until it came to a point where it was too late to fix anything.
It never fully hit me until the day you told me you were leaving.
The moment you told me you were leaving, that was the moment that all my dreams came crashing down around my head. That was when I realized; this was my only chance. So I told you. I told you I loved you, I told you I’d loved you since I met you. I told you, I love you, please stay.
And you said you loved me too. You looked into my eyes and touched my face and said you loved me too.
And then you walked out the door.
I was left with your words, still ringing in my ears, “I love you too.” They didn’t sound near as sweet as I always dreamed they would. Instead they lodged there, making my heart heavy and making my head hurt. Because I was too late.
I was too late, and I sat and cried because I was too blind to realize you were slipping away.
Months passed and I told myself I was moving on. I told myself I was finally forgetting you. I thought constantly about forgetting you. But I knew, deep down, that I was lying.
I tried forgetting, but it was impossible. You were written all over my body, inside and out, in permanent marker. I just couldn’t wipe you away.
I tried other things. I tried telling myself that because you loved me, you’d return. I tried believing that you were coming home. But the truth was that I knew you weren’t.
I saw the way you were happy, the way you had new friends, a new band. And I hated the jealousy that stabbed at me whenever I thought about all the people in your life. All the people that should have been me.
As time wore on I began, not to forget, not to pretend, but to accept.
I slowly accepted the fact that you were gone and you weren’t coming back. I was finally becoming happy. But I guess it was written somewhere that I wasn’t allowed to be happy.
Because just when I was finally settling down without you, you returned.
You showed up at my door. You showed up at my door with red eyes and you asked if you could stay, just for a night. I didn’t question you; I didn’t inquire as to what happened, I just let you in.
Because it was you. And, as often as I told myself otherwise, I loved you.
So I let you stay. I let you sit on my couch and I let you stain my shirt with your salty tears. I held your hand silently until you stopped crying. You stopped crying, and once again, my mind came crashing down.
You kissed me.
You kissed me, salty lips against my own, and all the acceptance, all the walls I’d built up around my heart crumbled. My eyes were wide and I waited for a word.
You told me everything.
You told me why you left, how your feelings were too much to handle, how the only way you could stay sane was to distance yourself from me. You told me how the distance drove you crazy.
I was silent in shock. This, this was too much for me to handle.
This was a lifetime of dreams coming true in all the wrong ways. This wasn’t the perfect ending I’d always envisioned. This was twisted and darkened in all sorts of ways, but it cleared my mind.
It pushed all the perfect fantasies out of the way and let reality in.
It allowed to me to look at you, at me, at us and at love in a new light.
It let me, as I kissed you back and released all of my feelings through my lips; it let me live life from a new perspective.