thing is going to be long
i know im not ready to go.
i literally walked into the office today, sat down at my desk and cried while Tony stared at me trying to figure out why exactly i was having a nervous breakdown. sometimes i just really need to cry.
i need to change alot of things about myself. i have so many issues or problems that come back and haunt me because i push everything aside and cant solve anything while its happening. the whole college scene is a joke to me. because im so scared of change, i thought a cool way of handling college next year would be to apply to only 2 schools. neither of which i got into even though accoring to guidance they were my "safe" schools. when i say they i mean cortland because i never actually heard from oneonta, since guidance decided not to send my information to them. so instead of just facing reality that we all have to graduate and move on this june, i thought if i didnt apply to schools i wouldnt have to leave everyone. GOOD IDEA ERIN. now, its march 2nd, the day after college applications are due, and i do not have a school to attend next august. and its just coming clear to me now that this is a REALLY big problem.
forgive me if ive seemed at all crazy or bitchy lately. lately as in the last month or so. i have so much shit going on that i dont handle the right way and it seems i always end up taking it out on the wrong people. sometimes i even hate people i barely know. just because they look at me wrong. thats one thing col used to always yell at me for, hateing on people who "looked at me wrong." maybe ive been freaking out lately because the only person whos ever understood me has been out of my life for over a month. maybe i was crazy to think i was going to be okay with this. i know i need collin because hes the one who keeps me in line. hes the one i know i can count on to have a nervous breakdown with me at 3 in the morning, mostly cause hes the only other person i know who has nearly as many nervous breakdowns as i do.
its weird because you think about how hard its going to be loosing everyone come June and graduation, but i already feel like ive lost so much. theres a select few people who mean the world to me. i have love for everyone but theres just people who have been there for me through the worst and you cant ever forget those people. they helped me survive.
i was at the espositos house yesterday for the first time in like a year. seeing irene and danny filled that part of me thats been empty for awhile now. i miss those 2 so much. they were my second set of parents, my second house that i ran to each and everytime i couldnt handle what was going on at my own house. i miss them because ive never met another 2 people like them. make that 3... danielle included. it made me so happy that she slept over last night. and stayed up with me watching the notebook since i cant fall asleep earlier then like 2 in the morning.
im typing like crazy but i cant stop. theres so much inside of me that i never express. you could probably say its sad that when i actually do let everything out, its too livejournal.com.
i wish things in my family were going better. its hard because when i want to run from friends or boys or life, i dont really have anywhere to turn. my mom and dad think im the biggest mistake of thier lives. they said from the start that i wasnt going to get into these schools and all i wanted to do was prove them wrong. show them that i can actually succeed in something, which would be a surprise because i basically fail at most things i do. i look at people like tommy, and i get so jealous because you can just tell by the way his parents act that they care so much about him. and i always wonder, why wont my mom help me like his does. why isnt my family ever there for me. the only time i even talk to my parents anymore is when im getting in trouble for one of the stupid things ive done, or most recently getting kicked out of my house. which is thier new greatest idea, and i really cant wait for them to get over the excitement of it. cause i hate feeling like i have no where to go, no place in the world.
my mom said the reason i dont get along with my family is because i shut them out. she says i shut everyone out. i think thats a reason why this is all so hard for me, because really the only people ive ever been flat out honest about whats going on in my life is to kaylyn and collin. i dont know why, things just came so easily with them. kaylyn is so overwhelmed with her own stuff that i cant be a burden all the time. collin too has enough to worry about, not to mention that hes across the country. i never knew people could really feel this empty.
i hope he writes back to me and tommy. i wish we could have written something a little better but it was weird, nothing came to mind when we acutally sat down to get it done. of course now when i think about it theres 100+ things i can think of that id love to say.
i hope emilys really happy next year at school. shes worked so hard with all her art classes and such, she deserves it more then anyone.
yesterday was a really nice day. roger and carlos came sleighriding. so did kay and diezel but diezel was really cold so kay had to sit in the car with him... that stunk. roger and carlos never went sleighriding as kids which was really sad to me but i had alot of fun with the 2 of them. that is of course with the exception of them squishing the hell out of me on the sled and me smacking my face into the back of rogers head. that HURT. then me, espo, linds and katie went to dinner. me, espo and kay also had a sleepover last night so we could get our mythology project done. and what a project that was. "angel, princess, goddess..."
tomorrows a new day. im going to try to get some applications done online right now. Saint Thomas Aquinas and Coastal Carolina. god, i hope i can get all this worked out soon.
i literally walked into the office today, sat down at my desk and cried while Tony stared at me trying to figure out why exactly i was having a nervous breakdown. sometimes i just really need to cry.
i need to change alot of things about myself. i have so many issues or problems that come back and haunt me because i push everything aside and cant solve anything while its happening. the whole college scene is a joke to me. because im so scared of change, i thought a cool way of handling college next year would be to apply to only 2 schools. neither of which i got into even though accoring to guidance they were my "safe" schools. when i say they i mean cortland because i never actually heard from oneonta, since guidance decided not to send my information to them. so instead of just facing reality that we all have to graduate and move on this june, i thought if i didnt apply to schools i wouldnt have to leave everyone. GOOD IDEA ERIN. now, its march 2nd, the day after college applications are due, and i do not have a school to attend next august. and its just coming clear to me now that this is a REALLY big problem.
forgive me if ive seemed at all crazy or bitchy lately. lately as in the last month or so. i have so much shit going on that i dont handle the right way and it seems i always end up taking it out on the wrong people. sometimes i even hate people i barely know. just because they look at me wrong. thats one thing col used to always yell at me for, hateing on people who "looked at me wrong." maybe ive been freaking out lately because the only person whos ever understood me has been out of my life for over a month. maybe i was crazy to think i was going to be okay with this. i know i need collin because hes the one who keeps me in line. hes the one i know i can count on to have a nervous breakdown with me at 3 in the morning, mostly cause hes the only other person i know who has nearly as many nervous breakdowns as i do.
its weird because you think about how hard its going to be loosing everyone come June and graduation, but i already feel like ive lost so much. theres a select few people who mean the world to me. i have love for everyone but theres just people who have been there for me through the worst and you cant ever forget those people. they helped me survive.
i was at the espositos house yesterday for the first time in like a year. seeing irene and danny filled that part of me thats been empty for awhile now. i miss those 2 so much. they were my second set of parents, my second house that i ran to each and everytime i couldnt handle what was going on at my own house. i miss them because ive never met another 2 people like them. make that 3... danielle included. it made me so happy that she slept over last night. and stayed up with me watching the notebook since i cant fall asleep earlier then like 2 in the morning.
im typing like crazy but i cant stop. theres so much inside of me that i never express. you could probably say its sad that when i actually do let everything out, its too livejournal.com.
i wish things in my family were going better. its hard because when i want to run from friends or boys or life, i dont really have anywhere to turn. my mom and dad think im the biggest mistake of thier lives. they said from the start that i wasnt going to get into these schools and all i wanted to do was prove them wrong. show them that i can actually succeed in something, which would be a surprise because i basically fail at most things i do. i look at people like tommy, and i get so jealous because you can just tell by the way his parents act that they care so much about him. and i always wonder, why wont my mom help me like his does. why isnt my family ever there for me. the only time i even talk to my parents anymore is when im getting in trouble for one of the stupid things ive done, or most recently getting kicked out of my house. which is thier new greatest idea, and i really cant wait for them to get over the excitement of it. cause i hate feeling like i have no where to go, no place in the world.
my mom said the reason i dont get along with my family is because i shut them out. she says i shut everyone out. i think thats a reason why this is all so hard for me, because really the only people ive ever been flat out honest about whats going on in my life is to kaylyn and collin. i dont know why, things just came so easily with them. kaylyn is so overwhelmed with her own stuff that i cant be a burden all the time. collin too has enough to worry about, not to mention that hes across the country. i never knew people could really feel this empty.
i hope he writes back to me and tommy. i wish we could have written something a little better but it was weird, nothing came to mind when we acutally sat down to get it done. of course now when i think about it theres 100+ things i can think of that id love to say.
i hope emilys really happy next year at school. shes worked so hard with all her art classes and such, she deserves it more then anyone.
yesterday was a really nice day. roger and carlos came sleighriding. so did kay and diezel but diezel was really cold so kay had to sit in the car with him... that stunk. roger and carlos never went sleighriding as kids which was really sad to me but i had alot of fun with the 2 of them. that is of course with the exception of them squishing the hell out of me on the sled and me smacking my face into the back of rogers head. that HURT. then me, espo, linds and katie went to dinner. me, espo and kay also had a sleepover last night so we could get our mythology project done. and what a project that was. "angel, princess, goddess..."
tomorrows a new day. im going to try to get some applications done online right now. Saint Thomas Aquinas and Coastal Carolina. god, i hope i can get all this worked out soon.