should i climb?
im emotionally stressed tonight. i cant sleep. ive been thinking about the things that scare you, that bother you, that make you feel awkward around me. the things i try to hide. i started talking with trag whose situation with annaka is somewhat similar. its strange that somebody can be your whole world when you are such a small part of theirs in comparison. its strange that you can know you want a life with somebody and know that chances are all you will know about their life is what they tell you..."im moving...ive found somebody...im getting married...im having a child...im having another one...my family is amazing." you smile and say thats fantastic though it kills part of you inside. it hurts but you dont lie when you say it makes you happy because that persons happiness is worth anything to you. you would die to make them happy. that seems totally irrational, especially when they wouldnt do the same for you. it seems irrational even if they would...in that case both people are somewhat insane. die for a persons happiness? love is not rational and is all powerful. the prospect of their happiness is enough to keep you going for one more day and enough to make you give up your life. so is the way of love. it is the reason for being. it is why we are all here. i focus on other things to take my mind off of what i dont have...but that doesnt mean i dont know the truth. ive not given up but the cold objective calculations show a very unlikely chance and well there is no sense propping myself up to where it hurts to fall when i know im going to fall. maybe someday ill be able to get these feelings out like i should instead of hiding behind typing on the internet and my poker face in person. i dont have a sturdy place to put my ladder right now. you are out of reach...