It's time to be honest...
You see my smile. You hear my laugh. Believe it or not, I am the unhappiest I have EVER been in my life. And somehow, it's still not showing through. But the tears are starting to fall. My impenetrable barrier is beginning to break. My strength is weakening. And my smile is starting to fade. My heart feels heavy. I've become a robot that simply goes through the motions of life. The smiles and the laughs aren't fake, just temporary escapes...escapes from what I feel on the inside. There's always been a piece of me on the inside that never felt right...that never felt happy. It pains me to have to admit all of this. It brings uncontrolable tears to my eyes. It makes you feel like you just want to leave and never come back. It makes you feels as though the grass MUST be greener on the other side. It makes you want to do things that you know you shouldn't do...things that you know will only make you feel worse. But really, what IS my self-worth and why can't I learn to value it? Or do I not have anything to value? And then there's God. I try not question what He does and why He does it, but I can't refrain from asking those questions anymore. What is my purpose? Where is the goodness? When will it be MY turn? When will I be able to feel TRUE happiness? When will I be comfortable with who and what I am? When will I stop feeling this way? When will I no longer have to put on a facade for the world? When will I just be comfortable with life and the way it is? People telling me to "hold on" is not enough anymore. I no longer have anything to hold onto, and if I did, I wouldn't know it if it slipped it's ownself into my hand....