when i was a very young boy my momma said son we all gonna die
i was so glad to be away from the lifestyle i had in high school. i was happy, i occasionly drank and rarely did drugs.something came along, i saw an entire other side to life. initially i was resentful for the changes, thought were not deliberet. then i found i was sober, i was happy, i looked forward to the future. but over time that rose wilted, and i found myself little by little reverting to my previous state. more cynical, more depressed, more sadistic.i drank heavier than i ever had, leaving bars at 4am and back at 7 am. staying to drunk to contemplate my situation. then i quit drinking. now i drink again, it was merely to show that this is a choice not a compulsion. so then there was lots of weed. pills coke acid x whatever sounds good that night. im sick of al lthis shit and im sick of who iv become. im too set on having things the way i want them to become succesful by public opinion. and too uncompromising to ever be succesful by my standards. the life i want is not a realistic possibility, i have found a few others i can identify with and the outlook is bleak. so if i can have what i want i ownt play by the rules or follow the social norms. whats the point? if im goign to be miserable anyway ill be damned if i will do whats expected and demanded of me. fuck everyone. i will live everday in the fashion that i choose till the day i die. if i die at 103 or 23 i have no regrets when you run out of things to be afraid of then you finally start to live. people are too afraid of death, too afraid of dying too early. everybody dies, its a fact of life. i wont live my life in a plastic room in hopes that i will live longer. ill ride bikes without helmets, ill do drugs ill party all week and sleep 4 hours. if something happens id rather die than be left a vegetable paralyzed.i seriously doubt i will go so far as to intentionally kill myself. but i dont pass on any oppurtunity that looks fun because of the risk of death or injury. life is ultimetly too short to be afraid, especially of the inevitable. id rather say i lived every day of my life my way to 23 then died at 103 on a resperator.