Been awhile since one of these...
I havent made an actual journal post in quite some time now. It's usually because I have nothing good to say, so why say it at all and bring down others who read it? My entries tend to do that.
It's been a year since the break of me and Samantha, and though I havent thought about her that much anymore, I've still got a giant hole inside me that she took up that I cant seem to replace. I still do miss her even though I dont know her anymore after she's changed and hasnt spoken with me. I miss those days and how she made me feel, but I havent felt the same way with anyone since.
I've been greedy in going my own way and hunting down that happiness again, but it's only dragged me down even more and has left me emptier than ever. Once again I've been living a secluded life and shying away from friends who offer to help, but unfortunately its a Dilbeck trait where we're all stubborn in accepting help from anyone. I called into work yesterday not because I was sick, but because I didnt want to be near or talk to anyone.
I've been analyzing my life which only complicates things, because I strongly disapprove of how things are, and where they will go. I'm too lazy to make the change, and it's not just the lack of effort, I just cant afford it. I havent paid the $300 deposit on Six the cat, and moving out of here will net more fees with the damage done to the doorframes he's made a scratching post out of, not to mention the very dirty carpet. I'm barely scraping by as it is with the bills and what I owe to the hospital. I've been going out with coworkers to bars as a means to get out and be social, but I cant even do that anymore because I need to save something up. My place is much too small for anyone to even want to share and split rent, and It feels as though I'm at a dead end.
I miss the way it felt to be needed and truly happy with someone that I needed even more. That crutch has vanished, and it was the one most important to me above all. I've been searching, but there's been noone to make me feel that *oomph*. Maybe i'm being too picky, or rather perhaps I'm too afraid of my heart being shattered again. Either way, I think i've given up the hunt... I'm used to things this way now.
... I need some changes in my life.
It's been a year since the break of me and Samantha, and though I havent thought about her that much anymore, I've still got a giant hole inside me that she took up that I cant seem to replace. I still do miss her even though I dont know her anymore after she's changed and hasnt spoken with me. I miss those days and how she made me feel, but I havent felt the same way with anyone since.
I've been greedy in going my own way and hunting down that happiness again, but it's only dragged me down even more and has left me emptier than ever. Once again I've been living a secluded life and shying away from friends who offer to help, but unfortunately its a Dilbeck trait where we're all stubborn in accepting help from anyone. I called into work yesterday not because I was sick, but because I didnt want to be near or talk to anyone.
I've been analyzing my life which only complicates things, because I strongly disapprove of how things are, and where they will go. I'm too lazy to make the change, and it's not just the lack of effort, I just cant afford it. I havent paid the $300 deposit on Six the cat, and moving out of here will net more fees with the damage done to the doorframes he's made a scratching post out of, not to mention the very dirty carpet. I'm barely scraping by as it is with the bills and what I owe to the hospital. I've been going out with coworkers to bars as a means to get out and be social, but I cant even do that anymore because I need to save something up. My place is much too small for anyone to even want to share and split rent, and It feels as though I'm at a dead end.
I miss the way it felt to be needed and truly happy with someone that I needed even more. That crutch has vanished, and it was the one most important to me above all. I've been searching, but there's been noone to make me feel that *oomph*. Maybe i'm being too picky, or rather perhaps I'm too afraid of my heart being shattered again. Either way, I think i've given up the hunt... I'm used to things this way now.
... I need some changes in my life.