(no subject)
Random Question:
“You can have one of the following two things: trust/love.”
That’s a tough one. I think trust, because in trust, you know that you are loved. But then again, in real, honest to God love, you cannot be without trust.
The past few months, as I have been increasing the doses quite rapidly of the medications I take when I go to bed, I’ve continuously wanted to put off taking them because I did not want to “go away” yet. These meds, I have found, cause a kind of amnesia of almost anything that happens after I take them, and a lot of the time, I forget what I did an hour or so before taking them, as well.
But, within the past week, all I’ve wanted to do when I wake up is take my night time meds so I can go to bed. All I want to do all day is take my meds so I can go to bed. All I want to do at night is take my meds so I can go to bed. If I take them before 10, I don’t sleep well, and I wake up very early. This wanting to take my meds to go to bed, all day long, has become tiring. Both mentally and physically.
Since around the first week before Christmas, I had been crying almost all day, every day, and it wouldn’t stop. For weeks. And I know it tired out my boyfriend because I would cry when he’d leave at night, or when I thought of him leaving me in a few minutes, or even an hour. We devised a plan that he would take a night or two a week and hang out with his friends as we had been seeing each other every day and have been for a long time. It started out with one night a week, and I think this week and a half or so, it has been every. Single. Night. Mind you, I have stopped crying so much. I still feel bad inside but I don’t cry in front of him. Why, then, is he still going elsewhere? This may become a problem. It will become a problem. I know me. There is a large group of people who don’t give me the time of day anymore, whom I love dearly, but am trying as hard as I can to forget about. The more you ignore me, the more I want from you, but at the same time, the farther I get pushed away. Intentionally or unintentionally. It is how my life works. What can you do?
I seem to be trying out week-long bouts of things that might make me feel better. The first week was Wild Turkey. Made my stomach sick. The second thing was Sake. Didn’t make my stomach sick, and I even drank it at work like a horrible person. It made me happy though. I don’t know why I stopped that, but this week it has been Vicodin. I’m stopping that though because I know myself and I know I will get addicted and I know that there is no way to obtain a real prescription for Vic’s when I’m on so many other things. Yes, the medications I’m on are for pain, but not physical pain.
It was my boy’s birthday on the 12th. Twenty-five. Aw he’s all growed up. I got him two movies for his birthday and saw him for maybe 20 minutes and he hung out with his friends. Then the 13th was Jon’s birthday so people were drinking for that. Then yesterday was Valentine’s Day, and Steve’s friend brought over a bottle of hard alcohol for Steve’s birthday present. Immediately upon seeing the brown bag, I started to cry. I knew what it was. That was very lame of me and I should have gone outside, but I was totally unaware that I was crying at first. That’s what the thought of everyone at the house drinking hard alcohol does to me. It puts me in sheer terror. For everyone there. I know I should just leave the house when they start drinking it, but I can’t seem to make myself. It’s like I have to stick around to make sure everyone is okay and no one has beat up anyone else (not that I could do anything..). Just to make sure the night ended up okay. That the cops didn’t get called again. Last time they drank hard alcohol, I asked one of Steve’s sisters if this was how life is going to be for forever and she just nodded. After a few seconds she added, “As long as there’s alcohol around..” and sort of trailed off. I started crying then, too. I don’t want this to be my life. I don’t want to watch this. If I start a family, I want to know they’re safe. No walking on eggshells when everyone is drunk.
I do not like my life. People I talk to who are on medication, or have gone off of it have said they didn’t like it because it made them numb. I’m trying so hard to achieve this.. numb. It seems like no amount will make me that way.. I just want to cruise along and not care about anything or anyone for a while.
Much love.
“You can have one of the following two things: trust/love.”
That’s a tough one. I think trust, because in trust, you know that you are loved. But then again, in real, honest to God love, you cannot be without trust.
The past few months, as I have been increasing the doses quite rapidly of the medications I take when I go to bed, I’ve continuously wanted to put off taking them because I did not want to “go away” yet. These meds, I have found, cause a kind of amnesia of almost anything that happens after I take them, and a lot of the time, I forget what I did an hour or so before taking them, as well.
But, within the past week, all I’ve wanted to do when I wake up is take my night time meds so I can go to bed. All I want to do all day is take my meds so I can go to bed. All I want to do at night is take my meds so I can go to bed. If I take them before 10, I don’t sleep well, and I wake up very early. This wanting to take my meds to go to bed, all day long, has become tiring. Both mentally and physically.
Since around the first week before Christmas, I had been crying almost all day, every day, and it wouldn’t stop. For weeks. And I know it tired out my boyfriend because I would cry when he’d leave at night, or when I thought of him leaving me in a few minutes, or even an hour. We devised a plan that he would take a night or two a week and hang out with his friends as we had been seeing each other every day and have been for a long time. It started out with one night a week, and I think this week and a half or so, it has been every. Single. Night. Mind you, I have stopped crying so much. I still feel bad inside but I don’t cry in front of him. Why, then, is he still going elsewhere? This may become a problem. It will become a problem. I know me. There is a large group of people who don’t give me the time of day anymore, whom I love dearly, but am trying as hard as I can to forget about. The more you ignore me, the more I want from you, but at the same time, the farther I get pushed away. Intentionally or unintentionally. It is how my life works. What can you do?
I seem to be trying out week-long bouts of things that might make me feel better. The first week was Wild Turkey. Made my stomach sick. The second thing was Sake. Didn’t make my stomach sick, and I even drank it at work like a horrible person. It made me happy though. I don’t know why I stopped that, but this week it has been Vicodin. I’m stopping that though because I know myself and I know I will get addicted and I know that there is no way to obtain a real prescription for Vic’s when I’m on so many other things. Yes, the medications I’m on are for pain, but not physical pain.
It was my boy’s birthday on the 12th. Twenty-five. Aw he’s all growed up. I got him two movies for his birthday and saw him for maybe 20 minutes and he hung out with his friends. Then the 13th was Jon’s birthday so people were drinking for that. Then yesterday was Valentine’s Day, and Steve’s friend brought over a bottle of hard alcohol for Steve’s birthday present. Immediately upon seeing the brown bag, I started to cry. I knew what it was. That was very lame of me and I should have gone outside, but I was totally unaware that I was crying at first. That’s what the thought of everyone at the house drinking hard alcohol does to me. It puts me in sheer terror. For everyone there. I know I should just leave the house when they start drinking it, but I can’t seem to make myself. It’s like I have to stick around to make sure everyone is okay and no one has beat up anyone else (not that I could do anything..). Just to make sure the night ended up okay. That the cops didn’t get called again. Last time they drank hard alcohol, I asked one of Steve’s sisters if this was how life is going to be for forever and she just nodded. After a few seconds she added, “As long as there’s alcohol around..” and sort of trailed off. I started crying then, too. I don’t want this to be my life. I don’t want to watch this. If I start a family, I want to know they’re safe. No walking on eggshells when everyone is drunk.
I do not like my life. People I talk to who are on medication, or have gone off of it have said they didn’t like it because it made them numb. I’m trying so hard to achieve this.. numb. It seems like no amount will make me that way.. I just want to cruise along and not care about anything or anyone for a while.
Much love.