Sick. And Tired.
okay. i'm about sick of letting the "what i should do's" and the "what a responsible person would do's" and the "oh i don't have money for that's" stop me. i'm sick of letting those self-imposed rules run my life. okay, so living the way i'm living is not smart. so planning things out is smarter. i'm not capable of that, okay? i'm just fucking not. I try. I REALLY FUCKING TRY to make "smart" decisions. And to think "realistically." I Really WANT To be able to plan the next few years of my life out so everything all fits in its nice little ordered row. But I. JUST. CANT.
What I want to do changes every day. Every half hour sometimes. Major life plans change. Where the hell do I want to go to school? i don't know. Why should this decision be RUNNING MY LIFE. So maybe I don't go to school next semester. Maybe I go live recklessly and irresponsibly in Detroit for a few months and then go move to fucking Idaho and hope to Allah to find a fucking job mowing lawns or something. So what. So i could pick out my classes for next semester out of the Wichita State or even Butler Community County College catalog and plan and plan and plan. Or I could LIVE. Most people spend their entire lives planning. I may nearly constantly be unhappy with where I'm at, but if I KEEP MOVING one day I will find a place where i'm at. It may take YEARS of living like a hobo, or a gypsy or an out-of-luck punk. But Goddamit, one day I will find my place in the sun. The Place where I'M HAPPY. If It Takes my Whole Life.
I change my mind constantly. About everything. I've never in my LIFE been completely devoted to one thing, one idea, one person for more than a couple months. Ever. Until now. And the way I see it, with everything in a constant swirl of change around me, if this has lasted this long, it will continue to. If I haven't changed my mind by now, I WONT. Ever.
Here's to living recklessly. To Canada. To Arizona. To little Ethopian whole-in-the wall bars in our nations capitol. Here's to living however the hell I want to and not letting anybody elses rules stop me. I still don't know what the hell I'm going to do in a month, all I know is I'm gonna do something. And its not going to be sit around in this same place another semester and then another and be the only one to blame for my unhappiness because I didn't have the BALLS to just fucking do what MIGHT have made me happy, because I wouldn't take the chance. Thats not me. And I'm not going to do it.
Note: As I say all this, I have all my WSU classes picked out if I go next semester. This is how indecisive I am.