(no subject)
i told him today that i am still not sure.
everything has been good since i've been home. he's been really nice, very caring and accommodating.
but being together was never the problem, we are able to fall into the old routine. to cuddle up on the couch and watch movies together. (but is that even what i want, or is what i want to be going out and doing fun things, having adventures, or is that what i feel like i should want)
the problem is when we are not together. when we have to just be on the phone. thats when we fight, thats when the ugliness comes out. and we havent even addressed any of that.
but i honestly dont know what there is to address. i think he has too short of a temper, too many hot buttons. but he probably thinks i am inconsiderate and get upset at him for insignificant things. we both need more grace for each other, but is that even possible?
how long do i need to "uncertain" for something to change? for me to do something?
he doesnt want to come to santa barbara because it will be "awkward" for him to sleep on my friends' floor. doesnt he want to me my new years kiss? dont i want him to be? i dont know
is this even relevant? i dont know
i think, if i am being honest with myself, what i need is to take a break. to figure this all out. to see how i really feel, and i think he might need the same thing.
but i am just really scared that he wont be there when i am ready to come back.
i love him in so many ways, but i just dont feel a spark. and that sounds so stupid. he is so good to me in a lot of ways, he loves me for my love of disney and the love of cats, and he thinks i am wonderful. he makes me feel beautiful. he loves me.
part of me thinks that this isnt really fair to either of us. that what i am really doing is yanking his chain, and dragging this out. but part of me also thinks that i need this time to figure out what i want and what i need.
i am getting to that point where i dont think people want to hear about this anymore.
should i, as lola said, cut the cord. or should i just shut up...
it feels like i cant do either
everything has been good since i've been home. he's been really nice, very caring and accommodating.
but being together was never the problem, we are able to fall into the old routine. to cuddle up on the couch and watch movies together. (but is that even what i want, or is what i want to be going out and doing fun things, having adventures, or is that what i feel like i should want)
the problem is when we are not together. when we have to just be on the phone. thats when we fight, thats when the ugliness comes out. and we havent even addressed any of that.
but i honestly dont know what there is to address. i think he has too short of a temper, too many hot buttons. but he probably thinks i am inconsiderate and get upset at him for insignificant things. we both need more grace for each other, but is that even possible?
how long do i need to "uncertain" for something to change? for me to do something?
he doesnt want to come to santa barbara because it will be "awkward" for him to sleep on my friends' floor. doesnt he want to me my new years kiss? dont i want him to be? i dont know
is this even relevant? i dont know
i think, if i am being honest with myself, what i need is to take a break. to figure this all out. to see how i really feel, and i think he might need the same thing.
but i am just really scared that he wont be there when i am ready to come back.
i love him in so many ways, but i just dont feel a spark. and that sounds so stupid. he is so good to me in a lot of ways, he loves me for my love of disney and the love of cats, and he thinks i am wonderful. he makes me feel beautiful. he loves me.
part of me thinks that this isnt really fair to either of us. that what i am really doing is yanking his chain, and dragging this out. but part of me also thinks that i need this time to figure out what i want and what i need.
i am getting to that point where i dont think people want to hear about this anymore.
should i, as lola said, cut the cord. or should i just shut up...
it feels like i cant do either