depression, social action
this is the first day of my life
i swear i was born right in the doorway
i went out in the rain and soon everything there
spreading blankets on the beach
yours is the first face that i saw
i think i was blind before i met you
now i know where i am
i don't know where i've been
but i
know where i want to go
so i just thought i'd let you know
these things take forever
i especially am slow
but i realized that i need you
and i am wondering if i could come home
remember the time you drove all night
just to meet me in the morning
and i thought it was strange
you said everything changed
you felt
as if you'd just woke up
you said
this is the first day of my life
i'm glad i didn't die before i met you
and i don't care
i could go anywhere with you
and i'd probably be happy
so if you want to be with me
with these things there's no telling
we'll just have to wait and see
but i'd rather be working for a paycheck
than waiting to win the lottery...
besides maybe this time it's different
i mean, i really think you'll like me...
i don't know about this whole depression thing
is it natural or a sign of foreboding
the other day, Birgen (the womyn who helps in our house down here) and I were walking around the house on the verge of tears all day.
last thursday, she and i talked, because she was a wreck
it turns out she has three children living far from here, and because she lives with us (and this is one of only a few jobs available around here) she cannot see them very often. they started school today (wednesday) and last week, she had none of the school supplies, clothing, or textbooks they needed. here, if you don't have your supplies, you simply cannot go to school. you are barred from enrollment. i was going away to help at an orphanage (more later) and felt really helpless. i went to the store and bought lots of school supplies, markers, crayons, cool notebooks, and everything i would want as a kid and discreetly put them on her bed (so as to save her any discomfort of accepting them, as she had previously declined my help.)
this place can be so... hopeless.
i was walking around feeling sorry for myself for no particular reason yesterday. it was very, very strange and selfish-it felt a bit alien. i wandered around the mall after failing to find a matinee, indulged in some book shopping, and bought a bag of a spinach, some olive oil, balsamic vinegar, and red wine, plus about 20 pounds of rice and beans to hand out.
what was weird was that even though i talked to mom, kestryl, scott AND eric, i was still in a funk. why? all of them were loving, supportive, mellow, and... i still felt empty.
will i ever find someone to love? yes-i have a couple of time already. someone to love me? does it matter? is wanting someone to love me selfish? what is my purpose in life? how will i help people, ease the suffering of the world? can i do it without the nagging, tiny bit in the back of my mind that tells me i the real reason i'm doing it is to save my self, which Buddhism says does not even exist? where's nirvana? what's the path?
whenever i get depressed, as i have been on and off for about a week and half now, i like to read the object of my affection by stephen mccauley. in it, a character named George, a bit lost in life (and experiencing what's now beginning to be called the 1/4 life crisis) is teaching preschool and living with a female friend, Nina. he's gay, and she gets pregnant by here boyfriend. in their comfort with their living situation, they decide to raise the child together. their quasi-lackluster life and eccentric (ab)normality are okay-they live with joy and generosity, despite their lack of fame, high-paying jobs, or permanent lovers. in the end, George stumbles his way into a loving guy, and the audience is left unsure of his eventual fate, but the two years or so in the book provide a vision of a dysfunctional, loving mediocrity. both characters end the story with the possibility of more traditional success, but without the never-ending dissatisfaction with their lives that has so plagued me.
another thing about the characterization of George that's so striking is the felicity and care-free attitude he has towards sex. yeah, he stays up some nights at other guys' houses trying to decide how he needs to next impress them (almost everyone does,) but he also he does just fine in being with men. unlike so many gay images (and my own life) sex is not equated with shame. he's aware of AIDS without letting it run his sex life. does it run mine?
jessica (a girl on my trip) today literally did a double-take when I told her I was a virgin. earlier on the trip, we'd been talking about some pretty intimate sexual stuff, and she had just assumed i had had sex-you know the nasty, disease-risking, rather ubiquitous kind. we chatted a bit about it, but then she up and said it: "you sound like you're really afraid of it."
i am-i even got up in front of my seminar last semester and talked about it when we were discussing how our fears hold us back from what we say we want. i say i want intimacy and love, but i keep hooking up with guys i'm really not that close to (despite what i tell myself during or after the fact.) i've not been in any serious relationships, not been with anyone i really cared about. this summer, my excuse was that i'd be leaving town in August. in the past it's been school or this or that, but in the end i've not had one serious relationship with anyone. there's no one i've been with who has ever reciprocated that 'i want to be with you forever' vibe i so want. i've been more and more in touch with my own emotions towards others, and i think (especially in the last nine months) i've fallen in love with people. but was it mutual?
is love like that in line with buddhism? or is it as inherently unreal as everything else? i don't any longer feel the need to be in line with religion or philosophy or anything else any longer, but i still am curious.
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social action
so i've been thinking a lot about the social work i want to do while i'm here, and how i want to improve the community i'm in before i leave.
the theme i keep coming back to is hunger and food. i think i want to set up a consistent food drive, but i don't know where exactly to start. i think i'll talk to all of the other students about it when we have our one month reunion. i'm thinking of putting colored, covered barrels all over the campus, or throughout town. labeled "hunger-stops" or something like that, they could be self-sufficient places where non-perishable food is dropped off and those who need it can pick it up (a two-way approach) or, probably better functioning, a system where it is distributed by some sort of central agency or group of volunteers to communities in need (which would raise the traditional questions or whether or not the food is being spread fairly, who deserves it, and the rest.)
stations could be placed in front of the high-priced american grocery stores and, eventually, volunteer trucks or vans could drive through the rich neighborhoods and do pickups or solicitations. the rich kids' university and the american malls could be some other targets. i need to get in touch with the soup kitchen here in town.