When you're broken in a million little pieces and you're trying but you can't hold on anymore...
I wish I could say that the past few weeks have been great, but they haven't. They've been filled with every kind of stress imaginable, whether it be school related, boyfriend related, past related, or friend related. I feel like I'm sinking and I just can't pull myself back above the surface. I'm trying and trying, and I'm so close at times, but it's still this unreachable, happier place.
I don't know where to start. Registration is tomorrow night, and I don't know what the hell to do. I have to take 17 hours in order to graduate on time. It just doesn't seem fair. I've been working my ass off and doing so well, just so that someday down the road I could have a break. But I've worked out my schedule up through graduation and I'm never going to get a break. I have 37 hours under my belt from just two previous semesters, it's not like I've been wasting time. But no, it's 17, then 18-18-16-16 just to graduate. I might be able to knock off four hours if I minor in music, but I don't want to minor in music. I'm tired of orchestra, I don't really plan to do anything but community stuff with that in the future. You don't need a minor to play gigs, so why waste my time? Either way, I'm signing up for feature writing, photojournalism, journalism practicum, legislative reporting, biology, and my three music classes. Ridiculous.
In other news, I feel like we're stuck in a rut. No one really reads this, so I don't feel bad about talking about it on here. We don't spend as much quality time together, and when we do spend time together it just feels so routine. I felt like maybe last night we could pull out of it, but I just don't know. I feel like I'm trying so hard to be a good girlfriend, but I'm falling behind. And even worse, the most daunting thought of all, I'm so worried that I've changed in the last few weeks and I'm less loveable. I know it seems like a stupid thought, but what if it's true? This is the best thing, without a doubt, that has ever happened to me, and I'm so terrified I'm going to lose it. Like maybe by stressing so much about things he'll think that I'm too immersed in other things and don't need him on top of it. I love him so much, I don't want to lose this. I even wrote post its on my door today reminding myself to "Smile :)" and "don't stress!" I just feel so confused and like maybe I'm messing this up irreparably for myself.
Hmm, what else... On a better note, I went home last weekend and it was fabulous. Mom and I got to hang out on our own for the first time in awhile. We went shopping for Christmas ornaments (I have a little tree up in my room now!) and walked around the mall making Christmas lists for people. It was really a blast, I'm so glad I ended up going home. Then I went out with Dad, Tim, and Lucy, to Chipotle and a movie. I feel bad, because I get so used to living by myself in a world of people my own age, and then I go home and Lucy drives me a little crazy. I'm just not used to the crying and screaming, ya know? Christmas will be a bit of a shock, haha. I love them, though, no big.
Pi Phi formal is this weekend, that should be fun. Maybe. It's during the OSU-Michigan game, which usually I would care about, but I bought my dress in July. This is basically the reason I joined a sorority, so I could have these fun outings and get all dressed up and enjoy myself. I just wish that everyone would agree to have fun no matter what and stop worrying about what else they could be doing. Which I guess is my basic complaint about the world right now, including myself. Stop worrying about other things and enjoy the moment.
I guess I don't really have any other news, that was plenty on its own. If you have any thoughts, feel free to post 'em. Thanks! I'm gonna go get some sleep. By myself. Boo.
<3Katie
I don't know where to start. Registration is tomorrow night, and I don't know what the hell to do. I have to take 17 hours in order to graduate on time. It just doesn't seem fair. I've been working my ass off and doing so well, just so that someday down the road I could have a break. But I've worked out my schedule up through graduation and I'm never going to get a break. I have 37 hours under my belt from just two previous semesters, it's not like I've been wasting time. But no, it's 17, then 18-18-16-16 just to graduate. I might be able to knock off four hours if I minor in music, but I don't want to minor in music. I'm tired of orchestra, I don't really plan to do anything but community stuff with that in the future. You don't need a minor to play gigs, so why waste my time? Either way, I'm signing up for feature writing, photojournalism, journalism practicum, legislative reporting, biology, and my three music classes. Ridiculous.
In other news, I feel like we're stuck in a rut. No one really reads this, so I don't feel bad about talking about it on here. We don't spend as much quality time together, and when we do spend time together it just feels so routine. I felt like maybe last night we could pull out of it, but I just don't know. I feel like I'm trying so hard to be a good girlfriend, but I'm falling behind. And even worse, the most daunting thought of all, I'm so worried that I've changed in the last few weeks and I'm less loveable. I know it seems like a stupid thought, but what if it's true? This is the best thing, without a doubt, that has ever happened to me, and I'm so terrified I'm going to lose it. Like maybe by stressing so much about things he'll think that I'm too immersed in other things and don't need him on top of it. I love him so much, I don't want to lose this. I even wrote post its on my door today reminding myself to "Smile :)" and "don't stress!" I just feel so confused and like maybe I'm messing this up irreparably for myself.
Hmm, what else... On a better note, I went home last weekend and it was fabulous. Mom and I got to hang out on our own for the first time in awhile. We went shopping for Christmas ornaments (I have a little tree up in my room now!) and walked around the mall making Christmas lists for people. It was really a blast, I'm so glad I ended up going home. Then I went out with Dad, Tim, and Lucy, to Chipotle and a movie. I feel bad, because I get so used to living by myself in a world of people my own age, and then I go home and Lucy drives me a little crazy. I'm just not used to the crying and screaming, ya know? Christmas will be a bit of a shock, haha. I love them, though, no big.
Pi Phi formal is this weekend, that should be fun. Maybe. It's during the OSU-Michigan game, which usually I would care about, but I bought my dress in July. This is basically the reason I joined a sorority, so I could have these fun outings and get all dressed up and enjoy myself. I just wish that everyone would agree to have fun no matter what and stop worrying about what else they could be doing. Which I guess is my basic complaint about the world right now, including myself. Stop worrying about other things and enjoy the moment.
I guess I don't really have any other news, that was plenty on its own. If you have any thoughts, feel free to post 'em. Thanks! I'm gonna go get some sleep. By myself. Boo.
<3Katie