time enough for love.
"Oh, hush up. Son, I don't want to reminisce about the past; it's a sure sign of old age. Babies and young children live in the present, the 'now'. Mature adults tend to live in the future. Only the senile live in the past...and that was the sign that made me realize that I had lived long enough, when I found I was spending more and more time thinking about the past...less of it thinking about now-and not at all about the future."
-Lazarus Long
When I read this in "Time Enough For Love", I bookmarked it and put a little mark next to it. I never do that, but I've done this in almost every Heinlein book I have read. There are things he wrote, things that his characters vocalize, that I have always thought but never put into words. I spend all of my time thinking of the past. In fact, it's a problem that is getting worse as I get older. See, in my mind, I exist in three time periods:
1) I live in 1988. I'm still a happy kid in elementary school, super smart, popular, and talented. I love Ninja Turtles, Transformers, my mom, and my best friend Billy.
2) I live in 1997. I'm in love with Nicole, and wrapped up in all the joy and agony that that entails. I've just started working at Gamefellas, and I'm jamming to KHFI and the REAL MIX 94.7. You know, the one that used to play Tori Amos and Sister Hazel. I love Nicole, my job, Culinary Arts, photography, and my cousin David.
3) I live between 2003 and 2004. I am in charge of my own Gamefellas, and it's going really well. I work a lot, but it's work full of fun and laughter and creativity. I'm seeing Teresa pretty regularly. Not dating, of course, but as close to dating as you can get without calling it a date. I love my store, Final Fantasy XI, my coworkers, my car, and Teresa. I'm on top of the world.
Now, here's the thing. These time periods seem like yesterday to me. I still have such vivid memories of 1988 that I can't get my mind around the fact that someone born in 1988 is now in their 20's . 1997 wasn't 11 years ago...I just talked to Nicole the other day. Me and Mark had an awesome session of Street Fighter Alpha2 last week. I have a hot photoshoot with Angel coming up. And 2004 certainly wasn't four years ago, because that is the last time I remember being happy, and I know it hasn't been 4 years since I was happy. I have to be at the store by 12 to open up tomorrow. It's the big Street Fighter Alpha 3 tournament tomorrow, and David's driving in just to attend...
But, the store isn't there anymore, is it? The key that I STILL have won't work on that door anymore, will it?
In my dreams, I am in the past. When I wake up sometimes, I don't know when I am. I'm serious. Sometimes, it gets so bad that I literally feel myself being ripped away from my "actual" time, because it isn't 2008. It's not, because that means that I've been dwelling in this hell for four years. It's not time for my high school reunion, because I haven't even graduated yet. I don't work in a landfill, because I'm only eight years old, and all I care about is playing and drawing and school work and reading and being a good boy. God. Oh, God. I can't even type this properly. And no, this isn't about me getting older. I don't give a flip about that. This is about me feeling like the past four years have happened to someone else. It's like, I don't count anything I've done since I closed the doors of Lakeline for the last time, because that. Wasn't. Me. I'm afraid that I'm going to wake up one day and find out that I'm 43, even though I was watching Dragon Ball Z movies in the science lab with Mark, Mars, Bagel, and J.C. two days ago.
I just want to go back. Can't I just go back? I don't want to change anything. I just want to do it again. Or, or, just watch it again, like watching a movie. Did you ever read "Our Town"? I don't remember too much of it, but the part at the end where that girl dies and she is able to watch all of her life like a play stuck out vividly. It was too much for her, but to me, that is heaven.
I'm writing this because it's 2008. It's a year of ten year anniversaries of a lot of important things for me. Ten years since I graduated. 10 years since I became a permanent Gamefellas employee. Ten years since I fell for Teresa. Ten years since I learned to drive, and not one speeding ticket, I might add. And it seems like there's a circle that's being finished. And when it's finished, what then? Is it time to start a new circle? Time to die? I can't let go of the past. I can't move forward. So what is there for me? I just want to be left with my memories. What will it be tonight? Maybe I'll have a Super Soaker fight with Billy and my dad. Maybe I'll walk into class and Nicole will look at me and give me that perfect smile that I have yet to see surpassed. Or maybe Jeff and Marc will say something so funny at work tomorrow that I nearly bust a gut, and the women at Toni and Guy will wonder what's wrong with us.
This LJ entry has been the most difficult thing to write since I started this thing. For a minute there, the tears almost came.
Almost.
-Lazarus Long
When I read this in "Time Enough For Love", I bookmarked it and put a little mark next to it. I never do that, but I've done this in almost every Heinlein book I have read. There are things he wrote, things that his characters vocalize, that I have always thought but never put into words. I spend all of my time thinking of the past. In fact, it's a problem that is getting worse as I get older. See, in my mind, I exist in three time periods:
1) I live in 1988. I'm still a happy kid in elementary school, super smart, popular, and talented. I love Ninja Turtles, Transformers, my mom, and my best friend Billy.
2) I live in 1997. I'm in love with Nicole, and wrapped up in all the joy and agony that that entails. I've just started working at Gamefellas, and I'm jamming to KHFI and the REAL MIX 94.7. You know, the one that used to play Tori Amos and Sister Hazel. I love Nicole, my job, Culinary Arts, photography, and my cousin David.
3) I live between 2003 and 2004. I am in charge of my own Gamefellas, and it's going really well. I work a lot, but it's work full of fun and laughter and creativity. I'm seeing Teresa pretty regularly. Not dating, of course, but as close to dating as you can get without calling it a date. I love my store, Final Fantasy XI, my coworkers, my car, and Teresa. I'm on top of the world.
Now, here's the thing. These time periods seem like yesterday to me. I still have such vivid memories of 1988 that I can't get my mind around the fact that someone born in 1988 is now in their 20's . 1997 wasn't 11 years ago...I just talked to Nicole the other day. Me and Mark had an awesome session of Street Fighter Alpha2 last week. I have a hot photoshoot with Angel coming up. And 2004 certainly wasn't four years ago, because that is the last time I remember being happy, and I know it hasn't been 4 years since I was happy. I have to be at the store by 12 to open up tomorrow. It's the big Street Fighter Alpha 3 tournament tomorrow, and David's driving in just to attend...
But, the store isn't there anymore, is it? The key that I STILL have won't work on that door anymore, will it?
In my dreams, I am in the past. When I wake up sometimes, I don't know when I am. I'm serious. Sometimes, it gets so bad that I literally feel myself being ripped away from my "actual" time, because it isn't 2008. It's not, because that means that I've been dwelling in this hell for four years. It's not time for my high school reunion, because I haven't even graduated yet. I don't work in a landfill, because I'm only eight years old, and all I care about is playing and drawing and school work and reading and being a good boy. God. Oh, God. I can't even type this properly. And no, this isn't about me getting older. I don't give a flip about that. This is about me feeling like the past four years have happened to someone else. It's like, I don't count anything I've done since I closed the doors of Lakeline for the last time, because that. Wasn't. Me. I'm afraid that I'm going to wake up one day and find out that I'm 43, even though I was watching Dragon Ball Z movies in the science lab with Mark, Mars, Bagel, and J.C. two days ago.
I just want to go back. Can't I just go back? I don't want to change anything. I just want to do it again. Or, or, just watch it again, like watching a movie. Did you ever read "Our Town"? I don't remember too much of it, but the part at the end where that girl dies and she is able to watch all of her life like a play stuck out vividly. It was too much for her, but to me, that is heaven.
I'm writing this because it's 2008. It's a year of ten year anniversaries of a lot of important things for me. Ten years since I graduated. 10 years since I became a permanent Gamefellas employee. Ten years since I fell for Teresa. Ten years since I learned to drive, and not one speeding ticket, I might add. And it seems like there's a circle that's being finished. And when it's finished, what then? Is it time to start a new circle? Time to die? I can't let go of the past. I can't move forward. So what is there for me? I just want to be left with my memories. What will it be tonight? Maybe I'll have a Super Soaker fight with Billy and my dad. Maybe I'll walk into class and Nicole will look at me and give me that perfect smile that I have yet to see surpassed. Or maybe Jeff and Marc will say something so funny at work tomorrow that I nearly bust a gut, and the women at Toni and Guy will wonder what's wrong with us.
This LJ entry has been the most difficult thing to write since I started this thing. For a minute there, the tears almost came.
Almost.