i still wonder if your hair uncurls with the moments of time
i was inspired this morning by a dan bern song called i need you..
it made me think about the distilled memories that have somehow continued to follow me.
the world now flows within black and white, and i remember not to long ago when the colours used to wash over you and i and the greens were never greener in my lense, and the blue was never bluer than it was in your eyes.
valentines may be a hallmark holiday.
but as i get older i understand its importance.
i dont even have time go to the doctors and take care of this sinus infection/lung infection thing that i have going on, let alone spend the time i would need to (if i had someone). if there is a holiday to celebrate such an important and fundemental part of existance that love is, at least people will schedual a few moments to tell those they care for that they care for them. even if the rest of the world is doing the same thinga t the same time, it doesnt take away from the fact that they are infact doing it, and it is a celebration of love, not the corporate money making machine that lies behind that idea.
anyway moving on.
this is the first valentines day in 3 years that i will not be spending with a certain jennifer swisher.
that makes me very sad, in many ways, but i am thankful and happy that she is able to spend the day with someone who she really loves and cares about this year. we should all be so lucky to have that chance, at least once in our lives.
i cannot remember a happy valentines day in my entire life.
so i guess this time wont be any different.
blah.
my words are becoming trite and running in circles around eachother.
i know what i wanted to write about in this entry. but something is not allowing me to. something is not allowing me to remember, or feel. its becoming routine and even the fear of never opening up again has come and gone, and flowed straight to the apathetic place that comes with watching people you know die, leave, or whatever else always seems to happen between the days that begin to run together and that dull and cold feeling that follows them all.
the last 6 months of 2005 seems to have become in retrospect this wholey and completely defining time in my life. i learned how to truly care about someone without selfish reasoning, and with pure intention. i also learned that opening yourself up to someone else is a fulfilling experience, even if at the end of it, even after all of the open lines of true communication end, there will always be a hint of what was in the smiles and small talk that becomes the only way you can talk to that person. i do not regret those moments. i cherish them.
i also learned that i will never be able to turn back to that land of innocent happiness of 20 years old and at disney, even if the people ive met from this last experience were some of the most amazing people ive ever met in my life. i am just not that person that can really mix myself into that scene and be completely honest and true to myself within that. i dont want it to be a false escape anymore. it was fun though.
anyway.
yeah.
it made me think about the distilled memories that have somehow continued to follow me.
the world now flows within black and white, and i remember not to long ago when the colours used to wash over you and i and the greens were never greener in my lense, and the blue was never bluer than it was in your eyes.
valentines may be a hallmark holiday.
but as i get older i understand its importance.
i dont even have time go to the doctors and take care of this sinus infection/lung infection thing that i have going on, let alone spend the time i would need to (if i had someone). if there is a holiday to celebrate such an important and fundemental part of existance that love is, at least people will schedual a few moments to tell those they care for that they care for them. even if the rest of the world is doing the same thinga t the same time, it doesnt take away from the fact that they are infact doing it, and it is a celebration of love, not the corporate money making machine that lies behind that idea.
anyway moving on.
this is the first valentines day in 3 years that i will not be spending with a certain jennifer swisher.
that makes me very sad, in many ways, but i am thankful and happy that she is able to spend the day with someone who she really loves and cares about this year. we should all be so lucky to have that chance, at least once in our lives.
i cannot remember a happy valentines day in my entire life.
so i guess this time wont be any different.
blah.
my words are becoming trite and running in circles around eachother.
i know what i wanted to write about in this entry. but something is not allowing me to. something is not allowing me to remember, or feel. its becoming routine and even the fear of never opening up again has come and gone, and flowed straight to the apathetic place that comes with watching people you know die, leave, or whatever else always seems to happen between the days that begin to run together and that dull and cold feeling that follows them all.
the last 6 months of 2005 seems to have become in retrospect this wholey and completely defining time in my life. i learned how to truly care about someone without selfish reasoning, and with pure intention. i also learned that opening yourself up to someone else is a fulfilling experience, even if at the end of it, even after all of the open lines of true communication end, there will always be a hint of what was in the smiles and small talk that becomes the only way you can talk to that person. i do not regret those moments. i cherish them.
i also learned that i will never be able to turn back to that land of innocent happiness of 20 years old and at disney, even if the people ive met from this last experience were some of the most amazing people ive ever met in my life. i am just not that person that can really mix myself into that scene and be completely honest and true to myself within that. i dont want it to be a false escape anymore. it was fun though.
anyway.
yeah.