moment in time
Well for once in my life I feel like I am making a difference. I so totally just said something that made complete sence. (Drew do what u feel write in the end it will work out.)
anyways..the day went about like this..blah lol that is it..I took pictures and did my eday thing..hmm I did Jazalyn's laundry..gosh I feel like a house wife but without being the wife:-/.
Gosh man..life sometimes does this kinda twisty thing on me. I hate it. But geesh I hate hormones they make me switch feelings and topics like a drop of a hat. I want to be a wife. ok I said it. It is out in the open. I m looking for someone who I think is right for me but then when I think I'm ready to make a commitment BOOM their it goes..it is gone as quickly as it came. I think it is trust issues. It is from marc I think that is what is wrong with me...I can't get him out of me. my head thoughts feelings. I hate him! but yet I love him. I hate it. He is the only true love guy I have every felt loved..but at the same time not. I don't get it. I just wish I could be free of him but I can't...be free of him...I have let go I say out loud but I know in my heart he is still there. How many times am I going to let myself go through this...Emotional roller coaster. It will never end. because I am not strong enogh to let go not yet not now...Maybe it is just because I am alone..so alone. I feel safe alone in my dark hole where noone can hurt me. Noone can make me feel hurt. But it doesn't protect me from him nothing does nothing ever does..When I look at jazalyn I see him so plain and clear..her eyes are his. My dark hole was where we were where we felt safe..before Jazalyn was here. But it wasn't dark with us just to everyone esle. I was so in love with him..and still think I am..but it couldn't BE it just couldn't. No I can't let it happen..GOD I just can't control this..He is the reason why I can't sleep at night, he is the reason why i cry for no reason, he is the reason why I can't trust, I can't commit. he is this reason..my heart aches when I see happy couples and there happy lifes so perfect with there dreams all coming tru. I want MY DREAMS damn it. I want my white pickit Fence too..I don't want to be a single mother alone rising her not knowing if I will ever find what my heart mind and soul needs or truthfully wants..
I guess.. this is where I take a big step back and look and come to some conclution..some way some how I will have what I want...if it takes me a lifetime to get.. for now I will sleep..and dream my dreams..my white pickit fence...
anyways..the day went about like this..blah lol that is it..I took pictures and did my eday thing..hmm I did Jazalyn's laundry..gosh I feel like a house wife but without being the wife:-/.
Gosh man..life sometimes does this kinda twisty thing on me. I hate it. But geesh I hate hormones they make me switch feelings and topics like a drop of a hat. I want to be a wife. ok I said it. It is out in the open. I m looking for someone who I think is right for me but then when I think I'm ready to make a commitment BOOM their it goes..it is gone as quickly as it came. I think it is trust issues. It is from marc I think that is what is wrong with me...I can't get him out of me. my head thoughts feelings. I hate him! but yet I love him. I hate it. He is the only true love guy I have every felt loved..but at the same time not. I don't get it. I just wish I could be free of him but I can't...be free of him...I have let go I say out loud but I know in my heart he is still there. How many times am I going to let myself go through this...Emotional roller coaster. It will never end. because I am not strong enogh to let go not yet not now...Maybe it is just because I am alone..so alone. I feel safe alone in my dark hole where noone can hurt me. Noone can make me feel hurt. But it doesn't protect me from him nothing does nothing ever does..When I look at jazalyn I see him so plain and clear..her eyes are his. My dark hole was where we were where we felt safe..before Jazalyn was here. But it wasn't dark with us just to everyone esle. I was so in love with him..and still think I am..but it couldn't BE it just couldn't. No I can't let it happen..GOD I just can't control this..He is the reason why I can't sleep at night, he is the reason why i cry for no reason, he is the reason why I can't trust, I can't commit. he is this reason..my heart aches when I see happy couples and there happy lifes so perfect with there dreams all coming tru. I want MY DREAMS damn it. I want my white pickit Fence too..I don't want to be a single mother alone rising her not knowing if I will ever find what my heart mind and soul needs or truthfully wants..
I guess.. this is where I take a big step back and look and come to some conclution..some way some how I will have what I want...if it takes me a lifetime to get.. for now I will sleep..and dream my dreams..my white pickit fence...