Answering Some Transgender Questions
I was always friends with boys and liked boys activities and i expected to be treated as a boy. But this expectation was trampled on in school. I had to be a girl all day long. I played with the boys during recess up through 2nd grade, but in 3rd grade i got boobs and only a couple of boys remained my friend after that, and they only did so because one was 3 years younger than me and the other went to a different school. When i got to middle school all the boys wanted to be my friend and i thought that was awesome until i realized it meant i was expected to fool around with them. Which i did, all the time, because it meant i got to spend time with them. I got in a lot of trouble as a kid to prove that i was as tough as any guy. So i've definately always had this in me, but the concept that a person could change their gender simply did not exist to me. Kind of like the story about the Native Americans and the boats sailing in with the very first immagrants. The story is that the natives could not see the boats, even when they were in sight, and it took convincing from a respected spiritual person who could see them, that they existed. When he described the boat using images they could understand, they were finally able to see them.
Even with my strong, strong desire to be male, i had to give that up early on, or so i thought because no other option existed that i was aware of. Even when i got older and i first heard about transsexuals, it was always MTF. Plus transexuals were so weird. I wasn't a transexual, i was a boy in a girl's body who had better get used to it cuz the only way out of the situation i knew of was to die. And i've faught suicidal ideations most of my life. And i gave up on my goals when i was little, because i could never be what i really wanted which included being a boy. Other little kids had kind of far fetched dreams like being a famous actor or baseball player or ballerina or whatever... hard to obtain, yet not completely impossible. My goals over the years included growing up to be a monster, a dinosoar, Chinese, Ethiopian, a Pilgram, a Viking. My first obtainable goal was to grow up to be a writer. I've stuck with that one, as well as the secret part of the goal that went along with it, to be a writer "who loves to be intoxicated."
Anyway, i first figured out that i was trans/and needed to transition in the early 2000's.
By the year i graduated high school (1996) my boobs had grown to a very not cool size... cool for touching...maybe on some other body. They were far too big. Let me explain my boob-age...
AGE 8- they sprout
AGE 11- C cup
AGE 14- DD cup
AGE 17- F cup
AGE 23- JJ cup have to special order bras online they are so damn big.
i started begging for a breast reduction when i was 10 or 11. By the time i was 23 i could almost no longer walk and was in very severe back pain.
I still had to pay out of my pocket for my masectamy. If i lost 70 pounds (which i could not do because i could not exorsize due to the fact that i could barely move cuz my boobs were so huge) my insurance would have considered paying for a reduction, but every surgeon i talked to looked at me like i had 10 heads when i asked if they could reduce me to a flat chest. They said i was crazy and that i would regret that decision and no surgeon in their right mind would do that, but they could make me a nice D cup, possibly a C if i lost more than 70 pounds.
I was very irritated and looked up on line to see if surgeons would do masectamys on non cancer patients. I even prayed for breast cancer. i also took a knife to my chest on many many occaisions. The only thing i found on line matching my searches were sites about FTM trans-guys. (Female To Male). When i was a "lesbian" i was not very active in lesbian activities in the area, because i prefered hanging with my guy friends as i always have. This is not meant to be disrespectful to women, and in fact, many of my best friends are women. But in general, when i wanna hang out and feel like myself, i feel most comfortable with guys and girls who are one of the guys kind of girls. Anyway, i was just starting to date Lia and she lived with a couple of MTF (trans-women) who occaisionally had FTM friends over and between the exposure to that, and seeing that trannies aren't AS weird as i thought (although we are weird. thats a fact, but weird does not mean bad. in fact i usually mean good when i say weird)plus reading all the FTM sites and relating to people on a level i have never been to before.
I didn't jump right into it. I started out as a genderqueer. A non-gendered person...which i still am in a way, only i realized that i wanted to start using my then pen-name, Jymi as my actual name (my old name was keri. legally it still is but please dont call me that cuz its not MY name anymore) So i was going by Jymi and during this time i was also waiting 4 years to be approved for SSI. They denied me the first 2 times because they randomly deny people without lawyers all the time, so eventually i got a free lawyer appointed from DMH he was very good and he made sure they noted i was disabled from the first application for disability, so they owed me 4 years back-pay (minus 300 a month for a year and a half of the time because i got welfare) and i was finally able to afford surgery. I almost lost my appointment that i waited so so so long for (like, most of my life) as well as a $650 deposit due to a lying therapist. She actually told me she was a gender specialist, and i believed her and she promised me the letter i needed, but later when she got mad at me, only 2 months before my surgery, she punished me by refusing to write the letter and telling me i misunderstood when she said she was a specialist. (there is a lot more to the story of this therapist, including the fact that i pretty much acted as HER therapist in each session which i delt with in order to get the letter from her and then i was gonna switch out, during which time she told me that she had boderline personality disorder, she was extremely lonely and depressed and that she was part of the trans community because she dated a trans person once. Also she claimed to be really close friends with all these people i knew but most of them did not know her. It was shady.
So yeah, i had the masectamy in january of 2005. At first i did not plan to go on hormones because i already have some testosterone as is, but after the chest surgery, i was ready to start hormones. i get shots of Testosterone (T) from a nurse every 3 weeks. I have been seeing the same gender specialist off and on since before my surgery. I first saw her right after the sucky therapist went crazy-bitch on me.
I am seeing Diane again now. We have had ups and downs but she has not been sucky. Usually i only had issues with Diane because i was impatient and also i cried in her office a bunch of times and i was very uncomfortable about that. i dont like people to see me cry.
So yeah. And i knew from the beginning that having penis surgery is extremely unpredictable, extremely costly and not garenteed to work, so i did not want bottom surgery going into all of this, but after over a year on testosterone i really want a penis... but i will wait...i'd rather keep the feeling i have down there now, and since it is a risk that i could lose that, i wont have the surgery until it is no olonger a risk or a very very tiny one.
Anyway. the end for now. nighty
Even with my strong, strong desire to be male, i had to give that up early on, or so i thought because no other option existed that i was aware of. Even when i got older and i first heard about transsexuals, it was always MTF. Plus transexuals were so weird. I wasn't a transexual, i was a boy in a girl's body who had better get used to it cuz the only way out of the situation i knew of was to die. And i've faught suicidal ideations most of my life. And i gave up on my goals when i was little, because i could never be what i really wanted which included being a boy. Other little kids had kind of far fetched dreams like being a famous actor or baseball player or ballerina or whatever... hard to obtain, yet not completely impossible. My goals over the years included growing up to be a monster, a dinosoar, Chinese, Ethiopian, a Pilgram, a Viking. My first obtainable goal was to grow up to be a writer. I've stuck with that one, as well as the secret part of the goal that went along with it, to be a writer "who loves to be intoxicated."
Anyway, i first figured out that i was trans/and needed to transition in the early 2000's.
By the year i graduated high school (1996) my boobs had grown to a very not cool size... cool for touching...maybe on some other body. They were far too big. Let me explain my boob-age...
AGE 8- they sprout
AGE 11- C cup
AGE 14- DD cup
AGE 17- F cup
AGE 23- JJ cup have to special order bras online they are so damn big.
i started begging for a breast reduction when i was 10 or 11. By the time i was 23 i could almost no longer walk and was in very severe back pain.
I still had to pay out of my pocket for my masectamy. If i lost 70 pounds (which i could not do because i could not exorsize due to the fact that i could barely move cuz my boobs were so huge) my insurance would have considered paying for a reduction, but every surgeon i talked to looked at me like i had 10 heads when i asked if they could reduce me to a flat chest. They said i was crazy and that i would regret that decision and no surgeon in their right mind would do that, but they could make me a nice D cup, possibly a C if i lost more than 70 pounds.
I was very irritated and looked up on line to see if surgeons would do masectamys on non cancer patients. I even prayed for breast cancer. i also took a knife to my chest on many many occaisions. The only thing i found on line matching my searches were sites about FTM trans-guys. (Female To Male). When i was a "lesbian" i was not very active in lesbian activities in the area, because i prefered hanging with my guy friends as i always have. This is not meant to be disrespectful to women, and in fact, many of my best friends are women. But in general, when i wanna hang out and feel like myself, i feel most comfortable with guys and girls who are one of the guys kind of girls. Anyway, i was just starting to date Lia and she lived with a couple of MTF (trans-women) who occaisionally had FTM friends over and between the exposure to that, and seeing that trannies aren't AS weird as i thought (although we are weird. thats a fact, but weird does not mean bad. in fact i usually mean good when i say weird)plus reading all the FTM sites and relating to people on a level i have never been to before.
I didn't jump right into it. I started out as a genderqueer. A non-gendered person...which i still am in a way, only i realized that i wanted to start using my then pen-name, Jymi as my actual name (my old name was keri. legally it still is but please dont call me that cuz its not MY name anymore) So i was going by Jymi and during this time i was also waiting 4 years to be approved for SSI. They denied me the first 2 times because they randomly deny people without lawyers all the time, so eventually i got a free lawyer appointed from DMH he was very good and he made sure they noted i was disabled from the first application for disability, so they owed me 4 years back-pay (minus 300 a month for a year and a half of the time because i got welfare) and i was finally able to afford surgery. I almost lost my appointment that i waited so so so long for (like, most of my life) as well as a $650 deposit due to a lying therapist. She actually told me she was a gender specialist, and i believed her and she promised me the letter i needed, but later when she got mad at me, only 2 months before my surgery, she punished me by refusing to write the letter and telling me i misunderstood when she said she was a specialist. (there is a lot more to the story of this therapist, including the fact that i pretty much acted as HER therapist in each session which i delt with in order to get the letter from her and then i was gonna switch out, during which time she told me that she had boderline personality disorder, she was extremely lonely and depressed and that she was part of the trans community because she dated a trans person once. Also she claimed to be really close friends with all these people i knew but most of them did not know her. It was shady.
So yeah, i had the masectamy in january of 2005. At first i did not plan to go on hormones because i already have some testosterone as is, but after the chest surgery, i was ready to start hormones. i get shots of Testosterone (T) from a nurse every 3 weeks. I have been seeing the same gender specialist off and on since before my surgery. I first saw her right after the sucky therapist went crazy-bitch on me.
I am seeing Diane again now. We have had ups and downs but she has not been sucky. Usually i only had issues with Diane because i was impatient and also i cried in her office a bunch of times and i was very uncomfortable about that. i dont like people to see me cry.
So yeah. And i knew from the beginning that having penis surgery is extremely unpredictable, extremely costly and not garenteed to work, so i did not want bottom surgery going into all of this, but after over a year on testosterone i really want a penis... but i will wait...i'd rather keep the feeling i have down there now, and since it is a risk that i could lose that, i wont have the surgery until it is no olonger a risk or a very very tiny one.
Anyway. the end for now. nighty