Some things never change...
After a brief, stupid converstation about nothing with Matt...
I've come to realize that although I wish and think all the time about what WILL happen in my future with him...WE HAVE NO FUTURE. I have been so nieve to think that I mean anything more to him then Melinda, Linda, Mary and even Christina. I'm just one of this "friends" if you could even still call us that. I know its hard to face someone who you have had a crush on since the first day you met them, but its harder to face the fact that nothing will ever happen between the two of you and that you will forever remain "friends" who constantly look over our shoulders to see what the other is doing, who will continue to hide any feeling no matter how small it is from the other. It fucking pisses me off that I can sit here and still think that we will end up dating at some point. I have been so fucking stupid that I can't even bare to look at myself. I am sickened by the fact that I still read his away messages and think they are about me when he has a FUCKING girl friend. I honestly feel so fucking stupid. Aside from my obvious feelings for him although he is treating me much like I treated him for the 11 months I was with Dan, I really just want my best friend back. I want to stop feeling what I do. I want to stop acting so stupid. I want to stop crying. I want to be able to hang out and not feel uncomfortable if he brings Shana. I want to stop being ignored. I want to watch countless hours of saved by the bell and family guy with him. I want to watch every second of the Zoolander DVD with him. But most of all I want my best friend back. I really do. I want to not have feelings for him. I want him to never have feelings for me again. I want to be his Jesse Spano, minus her issues with caffene pills and minus her big ass hair...and her obsession with school work. I dont want to waste my time being hung up on someone who stopped being hung up on me. I want to not feel guilty when I kiss someone else. I want to stop wanting him. I want to stop feeling like I want to throw up when I see him kiss Shana. I want to be happy for him. But its hard to be happy for someone when all you want is for them to be happy with you. I wish I could just walk the fuck away. I would love to sit here and say that the next time he makes me cry I'm gonna say fuck you and not talk to him anymore. But for some sick reason I can't. I honestly wish I could...but I can't. I would love it if it was that easy. I would love if I could just stop wanting him because thats when life would get less complicated and then perhaps I could function like a normal human being.
I've come to realize that although I wish and think all the time about what WILL happen in my future with him...WE HAVE NO FUTURE. I have been so nieve to think that I mean anything more to him then Melinda, Linda, Mary and even Christina. I'm just one of this "friends" if you could even still call us that. I know its hard to face someone who you have had a crush on since the first day you met them, but its harder to face the fact that nothing will ever happen between the two of you and that you will forever remain "friends" who constantly look over our shoulders to see what the other is doing, who will continue to hide any feeling no matter how small it is from the other. It fucking pisses me off that I can sit here and still think that we will end up dating at some point. I have been so fucking stupid that I can't even bare to look at myself. I am sickened by the fact that I still read his away messages and think they are about me when he has a FUCKING girl friend. I honestly feel so fucking stupid. Aside from my obvious feelings for him although he is treating me much like I treated him for the 11 months I was with Dan, I really just want my best friend back. I want to stop feeling what I do. I want to stop acting so stupid. I want to stop crying. I want to be able to hang out and not feel uncomfortable if he brings Shana. I want to stop being ignored. I want to watch countless hours of saved by the bell and family guy with him. I want to watch every second of the Zoolander DVD with him. But most of all I want my best friend back. I really do. I want to not have feelings for him. I want him to never have feelings for me again. I want to be his Jesse Spano, minus her issues with caffene pills and minus her big ass hair...and her obsession with school work. I dont want to waste my time being hung up on someone who stopped being hung up on me. I want to not feel guilty when I kiss someone else. I want to stop wanting him. I want to stop feeling like I want to throw up when I see him kiss Shana. I want to be happy for him. But its hard to be happy for someone when all you want is for them to be happy with you. I wish I could just walk the fuck away. I would love to sit here and say that the next time he makes me cry I'm gonna say fuck you and not talk to him anymore. But for some sick reason I can't. I honestly wish I could...but I can't. I would love it if it was that easy. I would love if I could just stop wanting him because thats when life would get less complicated and then perhaps I could function like a normal human being.