[TW Fic] Bitter Tears are Raining Down on Me
Title: Bitter Tears are Raining Down on Me
Characters: Toshiko, Ianto
Rating: 12 [spoilers for series 1 up to Greeks Bearing Gifts; Fragments; blink-and-you'll-miss-it for The Stolen Earth]
Word Count: 1,630
Summary: They were members of a pretty exclusive club now; Torchwood Killed My Girlfriend. Or maybe that was Captain Jack Harkness Killed My Girlfriend. Tosh wasn't entirely sure.
Disclaimer: This is a non-profit making work of fanfiction. I do not own Torchwood, much to my dismay.
Author's Note: I am indebted to beggar_always and pinkfairy727 who read this over, picked up on things that didn't make sense and gave me words of encouragement. Thank you so much. Title is taken from Queen's 'Too Much Love Will Kill You'.
*
Love was a fickle thing. Once your heart had been captured it controlled you completely and you couldn't let it go, no matter what. It changed you, clouding your judgement and making you do fucking stupid things like stealing from the government and trusting a hot but slightly power crazed stranger. And yet, you couldn't live without it; the moment it was gone you felt empty and lost, as if nothing would ever be anything but a dull shade of grey again and the gnawing pain in your stomach would never stop. Love could kill you, but so could the absence of it.
*
"I brought you a coffee."
Tosh turned from where she had been staring out over the bay, the grey waters reflecting the mood she was in almost perfectly, to see Ianto standing next to her, holding out a steaming mug. She smiled wanly at him, taking the cup automatically before turning back to look at the bay; he wouldn't want to talk to her now. The debrief had been awkward enough and Toshiko was sure that Ianto had to be mad at her for hearing his thoughts, or at the very least upset that the situation had happened so soon and in such a similar fashion to Lisa. None of them wanted to remember the Cyberwoman, him least of all. He was being kind, just as she had on his first day back after his suspension, but that was it. She hadn’t stayed to talk then; he wouldn’t stay now. She didn’t really expect him to.
For a long while, Tosh lost herself in her thoughts again. She half expected a copious amount of retcon to have been added to her drink - she wouldn't blame Jack for feeling betrayed again, for feeling as though he couldn't stand to be around her, whatever he'd said when she destroyed the pendant - but she wasn't feeling drowsy at all. It was just Ianto's coffee; good, strong and just the sort of thing she needed after a day like today. Today pretty much contested with being captured by cannibals and being caught by UNIT for the worst day of her life. In a way, she would have preferred retcon; at least then, she wouldn’t have to remember Mary.
She sniffed, still finding it difficult to control her tears. She'd stopped sobbing ages ago, when she'd realised that as much as it hurt, what Jack had done was right. Since then it had been more of a slow but constant fight against the waterworks, and she’d retreated out here when she hadn’t been able to stand another minute in the Hub without bursting into tears. She would be alright, of course; once she got home she'd bury herself in the project she was working on - if she could work out a way to generate the right codes to manipulate the environment around her she might finally be on track with her time lock - but right now she wanted nothing more than to curl up on her sofa and eat ice cream.
Wiping her eyes with the sleeve of her jacket, Toshiko was surprised when a spotless white handkerchief appeared in front of her, followed a moment later by a slightly hesitant hand on her shoulder.
"Thanks," she said quietly, noticing for the first time that Ianto hadn't left after she'd taken the coffee but was standing next to her, his back against the railing and just the loosened top button of his shirt showing the stresses of the day. He smiled at her, and even as she smiled back, Tosh couldn't help but wonder how many times he had smiled, just like that, when really his insides were churning. Like rats in his stomach, he had said. Was that since they'd killed Lisa, or since he'd almost been eaten? She felt awful about it; hearing about Gwen and Owen's affair had been dreadful, but it hadn't made her feel like she was invading the privacy of somebody in the way hearing Ianto's thoughts had. He was hurting far more than any of them knew, more than he wanted them to know.
Not that she would know he was feeling like that just to look at him. He looked tired, as though he hadn't been eating properly, which she couldn't blame him for - after almost becoming food yourself even the plainest items seemed too much to stomach. There was still the scar from a cleaver on his neck, visible when his head was bent at a certain angle, but he didn't look as though he was losing control. The problem with Ianto was that he was so good at blending into the background that it was easy to forget that he had just as many problems as the rest of them. For all she knew, he could be on the verge of a mental breakdown right now.
He wouldn't lose it, though. He was Ianto Jones; he kept everything bottled inside him for as long as he could, never willing to show pain or weakness. She was different; she got upset or angry, but then she lost herself in the logical world of technology and by the time she surfaced again she’d forgotten what it was she was mad about, so it didn’t matter anymore. She didn't lose control, and neither did he; he just got on with his job as if everything was alright.
Maybe one day, he'd wake up and it would be alright. Maybe she'd wake up and find this whole rigmarole was a dream.
She should probably say something to him, Tosh realised. After hearing his thoughts, surely he was entitled to some words of support? Something about how she was always there when things were tough, how she was always willing to listen if he needed someone to talk to, because they had become pretty good friends since the Brecons…but somehow everything she thought of seemed stupid. She didn't know how to help; she'd done some stupid things for love, been in some dreadful situations, but this - this was different. Machines and scientific problems she could cope with; dealing with other people, especially those she was close to, was so much harder.
"It gets easier," Ianto said while she was still contemplating what to say, studiously looking across the Plass so he didn't have to look at her. "Remembering. Eventually you can remember all the good times you had without thinking about what she was like at the end, and it doesn’t hurt so much."
Tosh didn't need to ask what he was talking about, despite there being no introduction or reference. Ianto knew what she was going through, just as she could understand how he felt. They were members of a pretty exclusive club now; Torchwood Killed My Girlfriend. Or maybe that was Captain Jack Harkness Killed My Girlfriend. Tosh wasn't entirely sure, though she couldn't honestly say that she blamed Jack. Was angry with him, hell yes, and upset too, but she didn't blame him.
She didn't think there was anybody who could blame Jack for long.
"I was just so stupid not to see what she was doing," Tosh said quietly, blowing her nose on his handkerchief. Love made you blind. Tosh wasn't even sure she'd actually been in love with Mary; she'd just been so grateful that somebody had taken notice of her, was interested in what she did that she'd not thought about the alarm bells sounding in her head when she'd worn the pendant or when Mary had shown an interest in Torchwood. For the first time in ages, someone had wanted to be with her for who she was…although now, of course, she wasn’t entirely sure Mary had liked her at all. She was just another manipulating alien taking advantage of the fact that she wanted somebody to love her. Bitch.
"So was I, with Lisa. But Jack will forgive you - he probably has already. He always will."
Toshiko nodded, turning to look out at the grey waters once more. They were like Jack's naughty charges; however many misdemeanours they had, he would always understand why they'd done it and would always forgive them. Even when they thought they’d done something so dreadful that they’d be lucky if they got away with nothing more than the last four years wiped from their memory, Jack forgave them. Tosh didn't know whether that was brilliant or terrifying.
They didn't speak again, but Tosh couldn't say that she felt uncomfortable in Ianto's company; if anything, she felt a kinship with him. They'd both lost a girlfriend, they'd both been so close to becoming food for the scariest humans she had ever met, and they were both such lonely souls. But she didn't feel quite so lonely with Ianto. Hopefully he viewed her as a sort of friend too.
They seemed to stand there a long while, with her looking over the bay and he towards the water tower, both lost in their own thoughts. Tosh could have stood there for hours, trying in vain to sort through the day's events without the help of a highly technical problem to lose herself in, but eventually Ianto pushed himself up and straightened his tie before offering his arm to her.
"Come on," he said with a smile as she took his elbow, wondering if he was going to lead her back to the Hub (she hoped not, because she wasn't sure she could bear the overly-understanding expression that would be on Gwen's face or the scowl on Owen's, not to mention the piercing blue gaze of Jack). "Let's go and drink ourselves stupid, forget about all of this."
It seemed like the best idea Tosh had heard all day.
Characters: Toshiko, Ianto
Rating: 12 [spoilers for series 1 up to Greeks Bearing Gifts; Fragments; blink-and-you'll-miss-it for The Stolen Earth]
Word Count: 1,630
Summary: They were members of a pretty exclusive club now; Torchwood Killed My Girlfriend. Or maybe that was Captain Jack Harkness Killed My Girlfriend. Tosh wasn't entirely sure.
Disclaimer: This is a non-profit making work of fanfiction. I do not own Torchwood, much to my dismay.
Author's Note: I am indebted to beggar_always and pinkfairy727 who read this over, picked up on things that didn't make sense and gave me words of encouragement. Thank you so much. Title is taken from Queen's 'Too Much Love Will Kill You'.
*
Love was a fickle thing. Once your heart had been captured it controlled you completely and you couldn't let it go, no matter what. It changed you, clouding your judgement and making you do fucking stupid things like stealing from the government and trusting a hot but slightly power crazed stranger. And yet, you couldn't live without it; the moment it was gone you felt empty and lost, as if nothing would ever be anything but a dull shade of grey again and the gnawing pain in your stomach would never stop. Love could kill you, but so could the absence of it.
*
"I brought you a coffee."
Tosh turned from where she had been staring out over the bay, the grey waters reflecting the mood she was in almost perfectly, to see Ianto standing next to her, holding out a steaming mug. She smiled wanly at him, taking the cup automatically before turning back to look at the bay; he wouldn't want to talk to her now. The debrief had been awkward enough and Toshiko was sure that Ianto had to be mad at her for hearing his thoughts, or at the very least upset that the situation had happened so soon and in such a similar fashion to Lisa. None of them wanted to remember the Cyberwoman, him least of all. He was being kind, just as she had on his first day back after his suspension, but that was it. She hadn’t stayed to talk then; he wouldn’t stay now. She didn’t really expect him to.
For a long while, Tosh lost herself in her thoughts again. She half expected a copious amount of retcon to have been added to her drink - she wouldn't blame Jack for feeling betrayed again, for feeling as though he couldn't stand to be around her, whatever he'd said when she destroyed the pendant - but she wasn't feeling drowsy at all. It was just Ianto's coffee; good, strong and just the sort of thing she needed after a day like today. Today pretty much contested with being captured by cannibals and being caught by UNIT for the worst day of her life. In a way, she would have preferred retcon; at least then, she wouldn’t have to remember Mary.
She sniffed, still finding it difficult to control her tears. She'd stopped sobbing ages ago, when she'd realised that as much as it hurt, what Jack had done was right. Since then it had been more of a slow but constant fight against the waterworks, and she’d retreated out here when she hadn’t been able to stand another minute in the Hub without bursting into tears. She would be alright, of course; once she got home she'd bury herself in the project she was working on - if she could work out a way to generate the right codes to manipulate the environment around her she might finally be on track with her time lock - but right now she wanted nothing more than to curl up on her sofa and eat ice cream.
Wiping her eyes with the sleeve of her jacket, Toshiko was surprised when a spotless white handkerchief appeared in front of her, followed a moment later by a slightly hesitant hand on her shoulder.
"Thanks," she said quietly, noticing for the first time that Ianto hadn't left after she'd taken the coffee but was standing next to her, his back against the railing and just the loosened top button of his shirt showing the stresses of the day. He smiled at her, and even as she smiled back, Tosh couldn't help but wonder how many times he had smiled, just like that, when really his insides were churning. Like rats in his stomach, he had said. Was that since they'd killed Lisa, or since he'd almost been eaten? She felt awful about it; hearing about Gwen and Owen's affair had been dreadful, but it hadn't made her feel like she was invading the privacy of somebody in the way hearing Ianto's thoughts had. He was hurting far more than any of them knew, more than he wanted them to know.
Not that she would know he was feeling like that just to look at him. He looked tired, as though he hadn't been eating properly, which she couldn't blame him for - after almost becoming food yourself even the plainest items seemed too much to stomach. There was still the scar from a cleaver on his neck, visible when his head was bent at a certain angle, but he didn't look as though he was losing control. The problem with Ianto was that he was so good at blending into the background that it was easy to forget that he had just as many problems as the rest of them. For all she knew, he could be on the verge of a mental breakdown right now.
He wouldn't lose it, though. He was Ianto Jones; he kept everything bottled inside him for as long as he could, never willing to show pain or weakness. She was different; she got upset or angry, but then she lost herself in the logical world of technology and by the time she surfaced again she’d forgotten what it was she was mad about, so it didn’t matter anymore. She didn't lose control, and neither did he; he just got on with his job as if everything was alright.
Maybe one day, he'd wake up and it would be alright. Maybe she'd wake up and find this whole rigmarole was a dream.
She should probably say something to him, Tosh realised. After hearing his thoughts, surely he was entitled to some words of support? Something about how she was always there when things were tough, how she was always willing to listen if he needed someone to talk to, because they had become pretty good friends since the Brecons…but somehow everything she thought of seemed stupid. She didn't know how to help; she'd done some stupid things for love, been in some dreadful situations, but this - this was different. Machines and scientific problems she could cope with; dealing with other people, especially those she was close to, was so much harder.
"It gets easier," Ianto said while she was still contemplating what to say, studiously looking across the Plass so he didn't have to look at her. "Remembering. Eventually you can remember all the good times you had without thinking about what she was like at the end, and it doesn’t hurt so much."
Tosh didn't need to ask what he was talking about, despite there being no introduction or reference. Ianto knew what she was going through, just as she could understand how he felt. They were members of a pretty exclusive club now; Torchwood Killed My Girlfriend. Or maybe that was Captain Jack Harkness Killed My Girlfriend. Tosh wasn't entirely sure, though she couldn't honestly say that she blamed Jack. Was angry with him, hell yes, and upset too, but she didn't blame him.
She didn't think there was anybody who could blame Jack for long.
"I was just so stupid not to see what she was doing," Tosh said quietly, blowing her nose on his handkerchief. Love made you blind. Tosh wasn't even sure she'd actually been in love with Mary; she'd just been so grateful that somebody had taken notice of her, was interested in what she did that she'd not thought about the alarm bells sounding in her head when she'd worn the pendant or when Mary had shown an interest in Torchwood. For the first time in ages, someone had wanted to be with her for who she was…although now, of course, she wasn’t entirely sure Mary had liked her at all. She was just another manipulating alien taking advantage of the fact that she wanted somebody to love her. Bitch.
"So was I, with Lisa. But Jack will forgive you - he probably has already. He always will."
Toshiko nodded, turning to look out at the grey waters once more. They were like Jack's naughty charges; however many misdemeanours they had, he would always understand why they'd done it and would always forgive them. Even when they thought they’d done something so dreadful that they’d be lucky if they got away with nothing more than the last four years wiped from their memory, Jack forgave them. Tosh didn't know whether that was brilliant or terrifying.
They didn't speak again, but Tosh couldn't say that she felt uncomfortable in Ianto's company; if anything, she felt a kinship with him. They'd both lost a girlfriend, they'd both been so close to becoming food for the scariest humans she had ever met, and they were both such lonely souls. But she didn't feel quite so lonely with Ianto. Hopefully he viewed her as a sort of friend too.
They seemed to stand there a long while, with her looking over the bay and he towards the water tower, both lost in their own thoughts. Tosh could have stood there for hours, trying in vain to sort through the day's events without the help of a highly technical problem to lose herself in, but eventually Ianto pushed himself up and straightened his tie before offering his arm to her.
"Come on," he said with a smile as she took his elbow, wondering if he was going to lead her back to the Hub (she hoped not, because she wasn't sure she could bear the overly-understanding expression that would be on Gwen's face or the scowl on Owen's, not to mention the piercing blue gaze of Jack). "Let's go and drink ourselves stupid, forget about all of this."
It seemed like the best idea Tosh had heard all day.