my heart will always be open to you no matter what.
so since i made this new journal most of my entrys will be friends only but you will find a select few to be open to the 'public'. lol who's a dork? that's right cynfy and damn proud.
so on that note i'll start off my first 'public' entry.
i went to work today around 7:45-ish. since i open the store i clean and etc. that gives me a lot of time to think. i started thinking about all my past relationships including david, rob (not the polish one), juan (if you even want to call that a relationship), and a few others. also friendship relationships. i've learned so many things. somethings were about myself others were about life itself including love, friendships, and all types of relationships and the things that make them, break them, make them stronger or just diminish them. the only relationship i can honestly say i consider my own real relationship would be the one i had with david. one thing i learned from it was something about myself. i can try and relate so much to things that he felt but then there were things that i had to experience myself before i actually knew how it felt. for example i knew it would hurt him me finding someone else. although no one will ever compare to him. i can't even give them that higher level of being compared to him because no one can. anyways i heard about him having a thing or whatever you would like to call it with another girl. it hurt. it really did. i knew it was going to happen at one point and it finally did. i heard it awhile ago then he confirmed it one night online. as soon as he said it i felt like someone punched me in the stomach. i couldn't breathe or talk. the feeling was just indescribable. i really didn't know what to say or feel. i was at a loss for words. hearing him say i love you to someone else is the one thing i will not be able to handle. i'm not going to kill the child but it will hurt me beyond belief and hurt is a very small comparison as to what i would actually feel. another thing i learned is that you should never take anything for granted. whether it be love from anyone at all, something someone does for you that no one else would, etc. i took what he gave me for granted. the love and care that he gave me was something i thought was amazing which it was. i was just young and naive and didn't realize it's not that easy to find something like that. to think that i threw all of that away not once not twice but pretty much three maybe even four times still blows my mind. it's funny but people ask me why do you still care. it's been so long why do you still love him. they don't understand they never will until they experience true love which is what we had. i not only lost my boyfriend that gave me something no one else could or would but i lost my one true best friend. who knows if fate has it maybe one day we could be together. maybe one day i will see him somewhere and things could fall back into place. maybe it just wasn't meant to be. i can honestly say that i will be happy for him if he finds someone that won't treat him the way i did. i wish the best for him. possibly more on this topic later. next up would be my 'relationship' with juan. that was something that i dont regret. although many people would. i don't. i took it as a learning experience. he seemed like a great guy. he was. he just wasn't ready for what i was ready for and you know what. that's okay. he taught me a lot of things about life and love. the love he taught me was friendship and family. the friendship i had with him was short but sweet. i'm honestly glad i met him and dont regret anything about it. the love he has for his sister and little brother was unmeasurable. he was always there for his little sister no matter what. he treated his little brother like his son. he will grow up to make a great father. i was informed he moved to california and i'm happy for him. a part of me misses him but it's okay. i'm okay with that. i hope everything goes well with him down there. i wish only the best for him. we had our rough times but he deserves a good life. karma will nip him in the butt but that's life. karma is really nipping me in the butt right now. it hurts but im okay with it. i would write about my friendships i've had but i'll just sum it up with what i've learned. friendships come and go. not all friends are the same. it's possible to have an mazing friendship with someone you've known for a few weeks and then have a shitty one with someone you've known your whole life. it's possible to have a guy friend that actually cares about you. shannon knows what im talking about with this. one night we were at admir's motel. mistake. major. fun night but nothing out of the ordinary. edin trying to fuck the both of us. admir being quite. kid with over sized head wheezing. italian wannabe arber with the flower and that one italian that just disgraced the italian name. anyways edin was messing around saying that he wasnt going to drive us to andy's because we wouldnt fuck him blah blah. long story short we called andy told him the deal and was there to pick us up within 10 minutes. that's a true friend. a person that looks past your differences and sees you for you. that's a true friend. one that doesnt make you decided between one or the other. sometimes friendships just werent meant to be much like relationships can be that way. just take it as a learning experience. thats how i take everything that happens. goodnight everyone and i hope my journal entry made you think and made you learn something. post a comment. anonymous my friend my non-friend whom ever you may be if you feel like leaving a comment go for it or not. LOVE.
so on that note i'll start off my first 'public' entry.
i went to work today around 7:45-ish. since i open the store i clean and etc. that gives me a lot of time to think. i started thinking about all my past relationships including david, rob (not the polish one), juan (if you even want to call that a relationship), and a few others. also friendship relationships. i've learned so many things. somethings were about myself others were about life itself including love, friendships, and all types of relationships and the things that make them, break them, make them stronger or just diminish them. the only relationship i can honestly say i consider my own real relationship would be the one i had with david. one thing i learned from it was something about myself. i can try and relate so much to things that he felt but then there were things that i had to experience myself before i actually knew how it felt. for example i knew it would hurt him me finding someone else. although no one will ever compare to him. i can't even give them that higher level of being compared to him because no one can. anyways i heard about him having a thing or whatever you would like to call it with another girl. it hurt. it really did. i knew it was going to happen at one point and it finally did. i heard it awhile ago then he confirmed it one night online. as soon as he said it i felt like someone punched me in the stomach. i couldn't breathe or talk. the feeling was just indescribable. i really didn't know what to say or feel. i was at a loss for words. hearing him say i love you to someone else is the one thing i will not be able to handle. i'm not going to kill the child but it will hurt me beyond belief and hurt is a very small comparison as to what i would actually feel. another thing i learned is that you should never take anything for granted. whether it be love from anyone at all, something someone does for you that no one else would, etc. i took what he gave me for granted. the love and care that he gave me was something i thought was amazing which it was. i was just young and naive and didn't realize it's not that easy to find something like that. to think that i threw all of that away not once not twice but pretty much three maybe even four times still blows my mind. it's funny but people ask me why do you still care. it's been so long why do you still love him. they don't understand they never will until they experience true love which is what we had. i not only lost my boyfriend that gave me something no one else could or would but i lost my one true best friend. who knows if fate has it maybe one day we could be together. maybe one day i will see him somewhere and things could fall back into place. maybe it just wasn't meant to be. i can honestly say that i will be happy for him if he finds someone that won't treat him the way i did. i wish the best for him. possibly more on this topic later. next up would be my 'relationship' with juan. that was something that i dont regret. although many people would. i don't. i took it as a learning experience. he seemed like a great guy. he was. he just wasn't ready for what i was ready for and you know what. that's okay. he taught me a lot of things about life and love. the love he taught me was friendship and family. the friendship i had with him was short but sweet. i'm honestly glad i met him and dont regret anything about it. the love he has for his sister and little brother was unmeasurable. he was always there for his little sister no matter what. he treated his little brother like his son. he will grow up to make a great father. i was informed he moved to california and i'm happy for him. a part of me misses him but it's okay. i'm okay with that. i hope everything goes well with him down there. i wish only the best for him. we had our rough times but he deserves a good life. karma will nip him in the butt but that's life. karma is really nipping me in the butt right now. it hurts but im okay with it. i would write about my friendships i've had but i'll just sum it up with what i've learned. friendships come and go. not all friends are the same. it's possible to have an mazing friendship with someone you've known for a few weeks and then have a shitty one with someone you've known your whole life. it's possible to have a guy friend that actually cares about you. shannon knows what im talking about with this. one night we were at admir's motel. mistake. major. fun night but nothing out of the ordinary. edin trying to fuck the both of us. admir being quite. kid with over sized head wheezing. italian wannabe arber with the flower and that one italian that just disgraced the italian name. anyways edin was messing around saying that he wasnt going to drive us to andy's because we wouldnt fuck him blah blah. long story short we called andy told him the deal and was there to pick us up within 10 minutes. that's a true friend. a person that looks past your differences and sees you for you. that's a true friend. one that doesnt make you decided between one or the other. sometimes friendships just werent meant to be much like relationships can be that way. just take it as a learning experience. thats how i take everything that happens. goodnight everyone and i hope my journal entry made you think and made you learn something. post a comment. anonymous my friend my non-friend whom ever you may be if you feel like leaving a comment go for it or not. LOVE.