(no subject)
I'm so sad. I'm cold and tired. I felt happy earlier today. I fluctuate between a quiet happiness and hope that seems to draw all its strength from the simple physical fact of being alive, from everything in the outside world. But then I cycle back to this sadness, this feeling of rejection.People I could have been friends with, connected with, but failed because of this anxiety, this deep tangled tension. I think of them and of the lives I imagine them living and I feel rejected. I evaluate myself negatively in comparison with their lives. i feel that I'm not worth much, that they must think of me as sad and pathetic.
I can't help it, I feel so sad to think those people won't be part of my life. I really wanted them in my life.I miss them, I love them.It's so hard to feel I want to give, I want to connect but not be able to. The emotion is there, the feeling, the desire.But unravelling this tension, so that I can connect. So tired.
OH But this hot chocolate is good.I'm sleepy sad grateful slightly hopeful.sadly quietly hopeful of redemption. Oh all the strength that I have comes from the trees, the river, the rocks,the sky, the sky I drink the cold blue winter sky and from the people that are in my life despite everything. despite imperfect connection.Blessings unlooked for, three years ago unbelivable that I could be hear now. Undreamed of and unimagined.
I can't help it, I feel so sad to think those people won't be part of my life. I really wanted them in my life.I miss them, I love them.It's so hard to feel I want to give, I want to connect but not be able to. The emotion is there, the feeling, the desire.But unravelling this tension, so that I can connect. So tired.
OH But this hot chocolate is good.I'm sleepy sad grateful slightly hopeful.sadly quietly hopeful of redemption. Oh all the strength that I have comes from the trees, the river, the rocks,the sky, the sky I drink the cold blue winter sky and from the people that are in my life despite everything. despite imperfect connection.Blessings unlooked for, three years ago unbelivable that I could be hear now. Undreamed of and unimagined.