I've fallen back to my old ways...
I dont want to get into great detail, but after today, I know I am going to fall back into old ways. Bad habits, not like smoking or anything... I already do that anyway. I just did a lot of destructive things to myself back in the summer and today I had a relapse to such things. I was doing so well and just dealing with the depression. The littlest things can trigger me and with the history of my family, it was not like a one time thing. I am getting tired of directly talking to one of my family members and then they go and straight up ignore me to talk to someone else. Going on 18 years now I have been completely igonored by family members when I try to talk to them about the simplest things to the most complex things about life or just school and I get deliberately ignored so they dont have to hear it.
My parents want to know why I want to get out so fast and never look back... well if they looked at the last 18 years that I have lived here, they couldnt tell a single story of my years past the first grade. I know it soungs whiny and I am just complaining because I had a bad day, but this is my life. And so far I have lived in a two parent house with not a single one to parent me. I dont want to blame my parents for the things that I do, destructive or not. But I am just saying it is not helping when my whole life I never knew my dad and I still dont know him. I mean we live in the same goddamn house and we know nothing about each other, except for each others age and occupation. I mean honestly, I just think that one would be able to get to know their dad in the course of 18 years. I just hear passing stories about his days, but it is when he is telling someone else because my father and I can not sit in a room for 10 minutes without fighting about something. I really blame myself for such things, because my mom always said, "You know, you father is a busy man and he just doesnt have time to be at home." But it always seemed like he was able to make time for my sisters but never for me. The only time he made for me was to yell at me for some stupid reason. I figure it is probably something that I did or do that makes him not want to be around me. And that would not be outrageous because I know I do a lot of things that my dad does not approve of, some things he knows about, others are left up to his imagination. But I know the things I do now, should not have effected the way he treated me in the past. I hate talking about it and I dont know why I am even writing about it. I figure, since the only person who would read this is Sarah and I would probably talk to her about it anyways. There are other people who could possibly read it, but it is highly doubtful. I hate doing harmful things, but if this is the only way I will feel better, then so be it. But I would prefer not to, for the sake of my friends and yes, even my family. I know they would not be happy with me. I guess I just needed to vent a little bit. But alas, I am going to go to bed, cause this has made me rather tired. So it is sleep time for me.
My parents want to know why I want to get out so fast and never look back... well if they looked at the last 18 years that I have lived here, they couldnt tell a single story of my years past the first grade. I know it soungs whiny and I am just complaining because I had a bad day, but this is my life. And so far I have lived in a two parent house with not a single one to parent me. I dont want to blame my parents for the things that I do, destructive or not. But I am just saying it is not helping when my whole life I never knew my dad and I still dont know him. I mean we live in the same goddamn house and we know nothing about each other, except for each others age and occupation. I mean honestly, I just think that one would be able to get to know their dad in the course of 18 years. I just hear passing stories about his days, but it is when he is telling someone else because my father and I can not sit in a room for 10 minutes without fighting about something. I really blame myself for such things, because my mom always said, "You know, you father is a busy man and he just doesnt have time to be at home." But it always seemed like he was able to make time for my sisters but never for me. The only time he made for me was to yell at me for some stupid reason. I figure it is probably something that I did or do that makes him not want to be around me. And that would not be outrageous because I know I do a lot of things that my dad does not approve of, some things he knows about, others are left up to his imagination. But I know the things I do now, should not have effected the way he treated me in the past. I hate talking about it and I dont know why I am even writing about it. I figure, since the only person who would read this is Sarah and I would probably talk to her about it anyways. There are other people who could possibly read it, but it is highly doubtful. I hate doing harmful things, but if this is the only way I will feel better, then so be it. But I would prefer not to, for the sake of my friends and yes, even my family. I know they would not be happy with me. I guess I just needed to vent a little bit. But alas, I am going to go to bed, cause this has made me rather tired. So it is sleep time for me.