pretty long post
Sleep has become non-existant recently. And no one really seems to care about anything any more either. But oh well. I will just sit here in my chair thinking about where my life is heading. My dad wants me to go to Morehead State University in Kentucky. And I am not ruling it out as an option. I think the way he even pursuaded me to even consider it is because of the distance it will give me. It is nearly four hours from here. And I think I could use a good distance from... well everyone. The only negative is that it is in Kentucky... Blah, Kentucky. And it is about half the size of Wright State and BGSU. Even more blah. I really dont think I will go there. But it is a consideration. Anyways, thinking about college has got me all jumbled up in the brain. And I really cant wait to just go.
Lately I have not been spending any time with my family. I think that it has maybe been about three, maybe four good weeks since I have actually sat down with my parents and little sister for dinner. Not being there for dinner is not my fault. I work until nine most nights and on wed. I go to church for dinner. And yet again, do not sit with my parents (my fault.) But yeah, every night I tell myself, "go home, sit and talk with mom and dad." And then I end up somewhere else. It makes me think about how much I wont see my parents when I go to college. I really do enjoy not having to be with them all the time. Sure I came home last night at like 11 and woke my mom up to talk to her. It's not like I dont want to see them, but they think that I dont. And I think that they think that my mom thinks she is losing me a year earlier than she is supposed to. And my dad probably feels the same way. But I know he wont show it and so he is trying to sell to me the idea of goign to one of the three colleges that he went to. And he is trying to sell me the one that is farthest away. Thanks dad, I know you love me... but I dont think that I would like going to school at Morehead. I am going to look at it though.
Sorry about all this rambling. I am just trying to kill time until I grow tired or weak. And right now, neither is happening. I really should see someone about this. In my Psychology class we are talking about dreams and the meaning of dreams. And not that every dream is not significant, but I really dont think I can remember a dream that is significant besides a few. One is from two years ago and the other was back when I was in the sixth grade before I moved to this house that I am at now. It was a reocurring dream. I think it has something to do with the un healthy relationship between my dad and I. Or atleast that is what Holly and I have decided. I had that dream for about a year. And then it stopped, I think that was when I stopped caring and trying to get my parents attention. Especially my dads. And now six years later, I am getting the attention from my parents that I wanted back then but I dont want now. I have been living this way for seventeen years, parents. Why try and acknowlege my presence now when you have done such a good job of ignoring me my whole life? I am sorry that I may be hurting you when I dont want to give up my only free friday to sit around and watch your television shows. It's not that I dont love you, but after seventeen years, it is hard for me to find it in myself to like you. And I know that just because you payed no mind to me my whole doesnt mean that you dont love me. It's just that we have different priorities. I have just set a few things ahead of you guys since maybe about freshman year once I found it completely hopeless to try and get you to actually listen to something I have to say without striking up a converstation with someone else who enters the room. I remember when Christa would try to talk to you guys when she was in junior high and I was in elementary school. She would start to say something, after you asked her about it and then you would just start talking to someone else. She always said it was like talking to a wall. Well I started to learn that she was right once I got into High school and I tried to share thing with you guys. And you would just start doing something else. And now you wonder why I dont talk to you now. Even now sometimes I get a little foolish and naive and try to talk to you and oops! There you go again with talking to someone else right as I am trying to tell you something. Then I have to resort to writing in my journal. I can not do written anymore due to the fact that it takes to long and my hand would be hurting my now.
Also, I can not sleep anymore. But dont think this is all my mom and dad. Oh no! It is definately not just my mom and dad. There are so many people that I just dont want to come into contact with anymore sometimes. Sometimes it hurts so much to see some people because I love them so much that I think it would be better if we dont even see each other at all. (Still not tired, btw.) I wish I could just type my self to boredom or tiredness. To just get all of this off of my mind. I know that my entries have been either really shory or really long. And I know that no one will read this. And I am getting tired of witholding all this anger inside towards everything. I know I have never written anything like this in any of my journal entries before. So that goes to show you how much I care about what people think of my life or "psychological problems" as some may see it. I doubt anyone will read this anyway. They will see this long ass entry and say either, "Oh that's nice!" and move on to reading something more interesting. OR "Damn she wrote a freaking long entry!" Then proceed to moving on to the next entry much shorter and more interesting. So yeah, I have been writing a lot. And I am now boring myself. I am going to go and look up some lyrics then possibly (attempt) to sleep. I have an internship tomorrow. And I know I am going to look like a dead person. So poo on all of this. Im out for now.
Lately I have not been spending any time with my family. I think that it has maybe been about three, maybe four good weeks since I have actually sat down with my parents and little sister for dinner. Not being there for dinner is not my fault. I work until nine most nights and on wed. I go to church for dinner. And yet again, do not sit with my parents (my fault.) But yeah, every night I tell myself, "go home, sit and talk with mom and dad." And then I end up somewhere else. It makes me think about how much I wont see my parents when I go to college. I really do enjoy not having to be with them all the time. Sure I came home last night at like 11 and woke my mom up to talk to her. It's not like I dont want to see them, but they think that I dont. And I think that they think that my mom thinks she is losing me a year earlier than she is supposed to. And my dad probably feels the same way. But I know he wont show it and so he is trying to sell to me the idea of goign to one of the three colleges that he went to. And he is trying to sell me the one that is farthest away. Thanks dad, I know you love me... but I dont think that I would like going to school at Morehead. I am going to look at it though.
Sorry about all this rambling. I am just trying to kill time until I grow tired or weak. And right now, neither is happening. I really should see someone about this. In my Psychology class we are talking about dreams and the meaning of dreams. And not that every dream is not significant, but I really dont think I can remember a dream that is significant besides a few. One is from two years ago and the other was back when I was in the sixth grade before I moved to this house that I am at now. It was a reocurring dream. I think it has something to do with the un healthy relationship between my dad and I. Or atleast that is what Holly and I have decided. I had that dream for about a year. And then it stopped, I think that was when I stopped caring and trying to get my parents attention. Especially my dads. And now six years later, I am getting the attention from my parents that I wanted back then but I dont want now. I have been living this way for seventeen years, parents. Why try and acknowlege my presence now when you have done such a good job of ignoring me my whole life? I am sorry that I may be hurting you when I dont want to give up my only free friday to sit around and watch your television shows. It's not that I dont love you, but after seventeen years, it is hard for me to find it in myself to like you. And I know that just because you payed no mind to me my whole doesnt mean that you dont love me. It's just that we have different priorities. I have just set a few things ahead of you guys since maybe about freshman year once I found it completely hopeless to try and get you to actually listen to something I have to say without striking up a converstation with someone else who enters the room. I remember when Christa would try to talk to you guys when she was in junior high and I was in elementary school. She would start to say something, after you asked her about it and then you would just start talking to someone else. She always said it was like talking to a wall. Well I started to learn that she was right once I got into High school and I tried to share thing with you guys. And you would just start doing something else. And now you wonder why I dont talk to you now. Even now sometimes I get a little foolish and naive and try to talk to you and oops! There you go again with talking to someone else right as I am trying to tell you something. Then I have to resort to writing in my journal. I can not do written anymore due to the fact that it takes to long and my hand would be hurting my now.
Also, I can not sleep anymore. But dont think this is all my mom and dad. Oh no! It is definately not just my mom and dad. There are so many people that I just dont want to come into contact with anymore sometimes. Sometimes it hurts so much to see some people because I love them so much that I think it would be better if we dont even see each other at all. (Still not tired, btw.) I wish I could just type my self to boredom or tiredness. To just get all of this off of my mind. I know that my entries have been either really shory or really long. And I know that no one will read this. And I am getting tired of witholding all this anger inside towards everything. I know I have never written anything like this in any of my journal entries before. So that goes to show you how much I care about what people think of my life or "psychological problems" as some may see it. I doubt anyone will read this anyway. They will see this long ass entry and say either, "Oh that's nice!" and move on to reading something more interesting. OR "Damn she wrote a freaking long entry!" Then proceed to moving on to the next entry much shorter and more interesting. So yeah, I have been writing a lot. And I am now boring myself. I am going to go and look up some lyrics then possibly (attempt) to sleep. I have an internship tomorrow. And I know I am going to look like a dead person. So poo on all of this. Im out for now.