Where is the fucking mass-delete button!?
*Le sigh~*
Over a year plus since my actual last entry. Not that near anyone would notice that. I deleted all the other entries in one big flush the night before last. It was obnoxious though; having to go through each single entry just to remove it. Once it was all gone and done, I only slightly regretted it. But the reason for that is mostly due to the way I used to write things. Not the content of the entries, per say. I read each and everyone one of them though, every comment that was made too.
And well~
Going through each entry and reading all the...things...I went through had me crying by the end of the process. It's embarrassing to admit but at least it's not a lie. I can't remember too too much of my high school days-which was all that the journal had really covered-and ever since I graduated, I just accepted it as the way it would be with my flimsy memory. Since reading all my confessions [of sorts], I've come to the almost obvious conclusion that my hazy memory is all done on purpose. The good majority of the more "dramatic" or "heavy" things I spoke of in my now-deleted journal entries, I have no recollection of. While that may seem impossible that the years that are said to shape ones life just got streaked through with a white marker in my memory, I don't know how else to think of it.
Even if, though, I don't have any real clear incidents to draw back on to later look at in life, I know that events did something to me. Whether it was good or bad, is subjective. I never thought I had real problem in high school despite being the more "obnoxious" [their words] one. To the few who really understood me though, considered me the "hyper happy'light-hearted" [again, their words] one. Neither was astoundingly accurate, but the latter was far closer than the second, I think. I know I was never perfect or anywhere near it, but I don't think I ever deserved all the shit I got for having the type of personality that I did.
Sometimes, the absolute fury that overwhelms me at the sort of crap many of my fellow classmates and underclassmen alike, just has me wanting to scream "why?" at them over and over until I can't anymore. While I admit that I was weak enough to let them do things to me and in turn have it affect me; for every prey, there is a predator. I doubt I need to say too much else on that half of this little thing, whatever you could call it.
As with just about anything involving humans with personal thoughts, there is a second side to what happened to me. While may not the personals of each separate person, I can give what I am near positive is at least a portion of the reason they did what they did to me; often, when people are in some sort of turmoil themselves, they'd prefer to direct a laughing or cruel finger in someone else's direction so no one would see their own issues. If you join the crowd, you won't then be singled-out either. That sort of thing. So, in some ways, while I would nothing more than to blame those who toe me down time and time again, some piece of me doesn't see what good it would do since they may have been hurting too.
Two, maybe even three, years. That's how long its been since I finally let all of that struggle behind. I can't honestly say if I am a better person than I was then. The reason for that is though is because I never have seen a problem with myself; I loved myself in my good and bad parts. The active need for change has never been within me. So. yeah. ;3
In the end, everything I went through is simply best as it is now; in the past and beyond the ability to be relived.
Over a year plus since my actual last entry. Not that near anyone would notice that. I deleted all the other entries in one big flush the night before last. It was obnoxious though; having to go through each single entry just to remove it. Once it was all gone and done, I only slightly regretted it. But the reason for that is mostly due to the way I used to write things. Not the content of the entries, per say. I read each and everyone one of them though, every comment that was made too.
And well~
Going through each entry and reading all the...things...I went through had me crying by the end of the process. It's embarrassing to admit but at least it's not a lie. I can't remember too too much of my high school days-which was all that the journal had really covered-and ever since I graduated, I just accepted it as the way it would be with my flimsy memory. Since reading all my confessions [of sorts], I've come to the almost obvious conclusion that my hazy memory is all done on purpose. The good majority of the more "dramatic" or "heavy" things I spoke of in my now-deleted journal entries, I have no recollection of. While that may seem impossible that the years that are said to shape ones life just got streaked through with a white marker in my memory, I don't know how else to think of it.
Even if, though, I don't have any real clear incidents to draw back on to later look at in life, I know that events did something to me. Whether it was good or bad, is subjective. I never thought I had real problem in high school despite being the more "obnoxious" [their words] one. To the few who really understood me though, considered me the "hyper happy'light-hearted" [again, their words] one. Neither was astoundingly accurate, but the latter was far closer than the second, I think. I know I was never perfect or anywhere near it, but I don't think I ever deserved all the shit I got for having the type of personality that I did.
Sometimes, the absolute fury that overwhelms me at the sort of crap many of my fellow classmates and underclassmen alike, just has me wanting to scream "why?" at them over and over until I can't anymore. While I admit that I was weak enough to let them do things to me and in turn have it affect me; for every prey, there is a predator. I doubt I need to say too much else on that half of this little thing, whatever you could call it.
As with just about anything involving humans with personal thoughts, there is a second side to what happened to me. While may not the personals of each separate person, I can give what I am near positive is at least a portion of the reason they did what they did to me; often, when people are in some sort of turmoil themselves, they'd prefer to direct a laughing or cruel finger in someone else's direction so no one would see their own issues. If you join the crowd, you won't then be singled-out either. That sort of thing. So, in some ways, while I would nothing more than to blame those who toe me down time and time again, some piece of me doesn't see what good it would do since they may have been hurting too.
Two, maybe even three, years. That's how long its been since I finally let all of that struggle behind. I can't honestly say if I am a better person than I was then. The reason for that is though is because I never have seen a problem with myself; I loved myself in my good and bad parts. The active need for change has never been within me. So. yeah. ;3
In the end, everything I went through is simply best as it is now; in the past and beyond the ability to be relived.