Realized
I was just thinking last night about how i came to be. I never realized i was such an accident and screw up i am until last night. Alot of times, i sit there and look at my mom, step dad and three little brothers and realize they would be a perfect family if it weren't for me. There would be a mom a dad and three sons. Not a mom, dad, three sons and the eldest daughter. The other day we were all sitting in the living room and my mom and step dad sat next to eachother on the couch while my younger brothers played on the floor. And then theres me sitting across the room from them, and while i sat there and looked at them it felt like i was looking into the snow globe of the perfect family. And i wasn't a part of that.
I screwed up my parents lives. My mom never finished college and my dad just finished his. Do you know that my mom didn't even tell my dad she was pregnant with me!? 1) how stupid do you have to be to not realize your own girlfriend is pregnant!?! seriously...and then when i finally am born my mom just shows up at my dads house and says "Oh, by the way this is your daughter" and of course my dad doesn't believe her. He made them get it checked before he'd accept me as his daughter. I ruined my parents relationship. I think if i hadn't been born they might have eventually gotten married and had kids when they were ready. But that didn't happen. i was born and all i did was make my dads mom practically disown him, and hate my mom. And now when my mom and step dad get into fights its usually over me or starts out being my fault. It would just be better if i had never been born. My parents might have gotten married, my mom and dad could have finished college earlier, my mom and step dad wouldn't fight and if my parents wouldn't hav gotten married they wouldn't have to be constantly reminded of eachother.
But i was born and i am in this world. I'm a totaly fuck up but i'm here. I know i'll never be loved like other people. I mean if my own father can't love me why would that make anyone else love me? seriously...think about it. if someones own father can't love her what makes her think that anyone else would or want to for that matter? I'm tired of being like this, i'm tired of being the unlovable fuck up that i always have been and probably always will be. I can't even get my own boyfriend to truly love me. he says he does but i can tell by the look in his eyes or the sound of his voice that the only reason he says it is because he thinks he has to. same thing with my mom, she only does cause she has to. to bad my father doesn't think that.
And then anyone who does attempt to love me always ends up getting hurt. and vice versa. anyone that i finally think has love for me, i love them back and end up being wrong. and end up getting crushed. Will it always be like this? will i always be looking into the perfect family but never have one of my own? will anyone ever to be able to love with me without getting crushed or vice versa?
Shay
I screwed up my parents lives. My mom never finished college and my dad just finished his. Do you know that my mom didn't even tell my dad she was pregnant with me!? 1) how stupid do you have to be to not realize your own girlfriend is pregnant!?! seriously...and then when i finally am born my mom just shows up at my dads house and says "Oh, by the way this is your daughter" and of course my dad doesn't believe her. He made them get it checked before he'd accept me as his daughter. I ruined my parents relationship. I think if i hadn't been born they might have eventually gotten married and had kids when they were ready. But that didn't happen. i was born and all i did was make my dads mom practically disown him, and hate my mom. And now when my mom and step dad get into fights its usually over me or starts out being my fault. It would just be better if i had never been born. My parents might have gotten married, my mom and dad could have finished college earlier, my mom and step dad wouldn't fight and if my parents wouldn't hav gotten married they wouldn't have to be constantly reminded of eachother.
But i was born and i am in this world. I'm a totaly fuck up but i'm here. I know i'll never be loved like other people. I mean if my own father can't love me why would that make anyone else love me? seriously...think about it. if someones own father can't love her what makes her think that anyone else would or want to for that matter? I'm tired of being like this, i'm tired of being the unlovable fuck up that i always have been and probably always will be. I can't even get my own boyfriend to truly love me. he says he does but i can tell by the look in his eyes or the sound of his voice that the only reason he says it is because he thinks he has to. same thing with my mom, she only does cause she has to. to bad my father doesn't think that.
And then anyone who does attempt to love me always ends up getting hurt. and vice versa. anyone that i finally think has love for me, i love them back and end up being wrong. and end up getting crushed. Will it always be like this? will i always be looking into the perfect family but never have one of my own? will anyone ever to be able to love with me without getting crushed or vice versa?
Shay