HEY! HEY! LISTEN! LISTEN!
It's 5:20 in the morning right now, and you're asleep - which is good, I really need my time doused the quiet darkness, sitting in front of a computer screen. It's how I've spent a good portion of my life so far, that security blanket, my "me" time, that handful of hours where I start clawing towards that thing called "clarity". Unfortunately it also doubles as that "asking yourself 5 billion questions" time, so it's spent having silent philosophical conversations (or how many moments of self-doubt and pity can we fit into the wee hours of the morning) while starring intently into the glowing box before you.
So, I guess I should start out by saying, it's probably a good thing that I've made a habit of occasionally scrolling through your skype conversations while you're sleeping. How else would I come to the conclusion that we are each other's badly-fitted bandages trying to cover the gaping wounds in our souls? We are two horribly depressed people, who tell each other everything .. as long as it has nothing to do with how shitty we feel inside.
We avidly avoid talking about our depression to one another like it's the most horrendously taboo thing to ever exist. We hide the most vulnerable, fucked up, ugly bits of ourselves, under the illusion that we've accepted the other's flaws, and are beautifully happy having someone who understands us in such an enrapturing way. We rot in silence, with happy, doped up expressions n' half-assed affections. We're so afraid of somehow winding up alone; losing this Novocaine-like effect, we're happier sitting in silence than actually communicating and expressing ourselves to the other. We have to find other outlets to feel appreciated, to voice our inner selves.. and that is .. really fucked up, on both our ends. We both do it. We're both so fucking ashamed to show each other our real, raw selves, we keep them boxed away.. when we're supposed to be closer than hydrogen x oxygen in H20.
It's effecting our level of intimacy (sure, we cuddle..).. We don't know why we love each other, because we're barely even capable of loving ourselves, let alone understanding how we manage it. (Not saying we don't love each other, we most certainly do).
So I guess this is step on of fixing our fuck-up before it's too late.
I love you. I appreciate you. I think you're a wonderful person. I wouldn't want to spend all my time with you, all the fucking time, if I didn't think you were absolutely fantastic. Sure, you've got the spirituality of an empty egg carton, but I've chosen to ignore that fact because I really enjoy a lot of your other qualities.. your openness towards deviant sexual things, good taste in games and some entertainment. I like the weirdness of your brain, even if your random thoughts are only funny half the time, I appreciate the times they ARE funny, and appreciate that you tell me these random things even when they aren't. I love that you're technologically savvy, it complements my complete lack of knowledge in that department. I'm glad that you're so patient with me.You keep me grounded so I don't get too damn loopy - something I really needed in my life, I'd probably be a sliver away from liver failure if I didn't have you.
You're gorgeous - I really wouldn't date you if I didn't think you were pretty.. I'm picky about faces. You've got a nice face. You have other nice things about you, too, but it's mostly your face.. and your butt, I love the way it fits so perfect when we spoon, and it looks fantastic in damn near any pair of pants you wear. Your penis is alright, too. Pretty eyes, magic hair that never actually needs conditioner. Nice, tiny hands. A chewable nose and wenis - your feet are extra chewable. I never had the desire to avidly chew on someone's feet before. Congrats, you've made me 5-10% weirder than I was before this relationship started.
Your flaws aren't too shabby. They're tolerable. I can work with them, at least I have been. I'm happy I found someone who has flaws that I can live with. I hope you feel the same about mine, for the most part.
I'm tired of feeling alone inside. I hope you are, too.
Lets stop hiding our shitty parts, and wade through the muck together.
I love you, Cricket.
So, I guess I should start out by saying, it's probably a good thing that I've made a habit of occasionally scrolling through your skype conversations while you're sleeping. How else would I come to the conclusion that we are each other's badly-fitted bandages trying to cover the gaping wounds in our souls? We are two horribly depressed people, who tell each other everything .. as long as it has nothing to do with how shitty we feel inside.
We avidly avoid talking about our depression to one another like it's the most horrendously taboo thing to ever exist. We hide the most vulnerable, fucked up, ugly bits of ourselves, under the illusion that we've accepted the other's flaws, and are beautifully happy having someone who understands us in such an enrapturing way. We rot in silence, with happy, doped up expressions n' half-assed affections. We're so afraid of somehow winding up alone; losing this Novocaine-like effect, we're happier sitting in silence than actually communicating and expressing ourselves to the other. We have to find other outlets to feel appreciated, to voice our inner selves.. and that is .. really fucked up, on both our ends. We both do it. We're both so fucking ashamed to show each other our real, raw selves, we keep them boxed away.. when we're supposed to be closer than hydrogen x oxygen in H20.
It's effecting our level of intimacy (sure, we cuddle..).. We don't know why we love each other, because we're barely even capable of loving ourselves, let alone understanding how we manage it. (Not saying we don't love each other, we most certainly do).
So I guess this is step on of fixing our fuck-up before it's too late.
I love you. I appreciate you. I think you're a wonderful person. I wouldn't want to spend all my time with you, all the fucking time, if I didn't think you were absolutely fantastic. Sure, you've got the spirituality of an empty egg carton, but I've chosen to ignore that fact because I really enjoy a lot of your other qualities.. your openness towards deviant sexual things, good taste in games and some entertainment. I like the weirdness of your brain, even if your random thoughts are only funny half the time, I appreciate the times they ARE funny, and appreciate that you tell me these random things even when they aren't. I love that you're technologically savvy, it complements my complete lack of knowledge in that department. I'm glad that you're so patient with me.You keep me grounded so I don't get too damn loopy - something I really needed in my life, I'd probably be a sliver away from liver failure if I didn't have you.
You're gorgeous - I really wouldn't date you if I didn't think you were pretty.. I'm picky about faces. You've got a nice face. You have other nice things about you, too, but it's mostly your face.. and your butt, I love the way it fits so perfect when we spoon, and it looks fantastic in damn near any pair of pants you wear. Your penis is alright, too. Pretty eyes, magic hair that never actually needs conditioner. Nice, tiny hands. A chewable nose and wenis - your feet are extra chewable. I never had the desire to avidly chew on someone's feet before. Congrats, you've made me 5-10% weirder than I was before this relationship started.
Your flaws aren't too shabby. They're tolerable. I can work with them, at least I have been. I'm happy I found someone who has flaws that I can live with. I hope you feel the same about mine, for the most part.
I'm tired of feeling alone inside. I hope you are, too.
Lets stop hiding our shitty parts, and wade through the muck together.
I love you, Cricket.