Resolute
Resolutions have been coming together. 2006 is a year of resolutions, I think. 2005 was the year of the catalyst.
It has been hard to find the words to say what I want to say. Entries given up on before even beginning.
I am tired of being the way I have been. I am frustrated that I wasted two or three years of my life at uni feeling scared and sorry for myself. Two or three years are lifetimes at uni. The more I talk to the people I've met (both at uni, and online, due to a few of my earlier resolutions), the more I realise I don't want to be a figure of pity. I am not. I can change the way I am perceived, and I can change the way I perceive.
Rex (D&D player) is the one who made me realise this. He was the one who mentioned he chose to stop being introverted. I enjoy talking with him. I have realised, however, that I have managed to paint a picture of my hermitude to him. He worries about it, because he can tell I wasn't really happy (even though I do tend to joke about it). Perhaps it is mainly because I've been not the happiest person recently. But for some reason, it's really gotten to me. Many people have expressed concern/ joked about/ provided suggestions for it before...
Maybe because he's one of my first friends at MY uni, it means a little more. Some of the guys at Nottingham did think I was odd for not wanting to go out to the Fresher's week parties, but at the back of my mind maybe I knew it didn't really matter what they thought. (I'd be gone soon.) People online... I make fun of myself, but they don't know how I really am, right? It's nothing to worry about.
I don't want him to think I'm this sad friendless figure. I don't want anyone to think that. Perhaps it is pride.
I especially don't want J to worry about me, because it is just not fair to put him through that. I don't want him to feel guilty about going to Canada on holiday, or ever feel guilty about not being with me. I am a big girl, I should be able to look after myself. I love him, I miss him, but I will not make him solely responsible for my happiness because I'm dependent and maladjusted.
Start of the year, I joined a website in order to meet more Melbourne people. I met one, and I'm glad I did. We'll be going to see the Dresden Dolls together in September. We talk often, online, we've done fun stuff together. I gave up on that site, though.
I also signed up for dancing classes, to get fit and again meet people. I did a bit, but I think dancing is not for me, unless I have a friend to go with me. Perhaps a kick boxing class is more my thing.
I investigated RPing at uni. I found my D&D group. Definitely the best thing I've ever done at uni. We meet once a week, most of the time. We get on well. We might have a movie night some time soon, or an all-night session of D&D. This is one holiday I've actually been out and about.
I have more resolutions. Exercise, and people. As it is I've gotten back into regular walking, mostly with Basil, though I do like solitary walks too. I'm not sure I want to jump back into swimming, but a gym is far too expensive. Perhaps running? We shall see. People? I will try not to pike from organised meetings. I may try to even organise meetings once in a while. I will try to go find more groups at uni. I will hang out in the Basement and get to know more people. I will not make a habit of running straight home after classes.
Other resolutions? Try to be better to my family. Try to find a balance between telling them nothing and telling them so much they worry about me. Try to get better at university.
Some of you worry I may have Depression... I think I don't. I've perhaps been a little down. I don't like doctors, I never have. Once in Year 12 after I had a mini meltdown my sister and my mum took me to our regular doctor to try and talk about it. I couldn't, and didn't want to. I clamped my mouth shut and tried not to cry. Pity and sympathy hurt. I don't want to face them. I have double standards. Others should go see medical professionals should they require it, but for me, it is weakness. I even study psychology, yet I still feel this way.
I've painted myself as 'the strong one' in my mind. My sister's had difficulty, my parents worried about her. I just kept on going quietly, to not distract their attentions from her. At times I've resented it (what about me?), but now I realise it's my own fault for thinking of it in these terms. If I asked for help, my parents would help. No one demanded I keep stuff inside in order to not impose on my sister's share of their attention. But it is habit, now. Even though my sister is better, even though things have settled. When I was starting uni, I thought it would hurt my parents, to admit to any weakness. I thought they would ask themselves whether they were such bad parents, that both their children folded... I still wonder, and worry about, what it would do to them. I told my parents I had no friends because I hated the stupid people in my course, who were too loud and too obnoxious and too everything...
I want things to change.
It has been hard to find the words to say what I want to say. Entries given up on before even beginning.
I am tired of being the way I have been. I am frustrated that I wasted two or three years of my life at uni feeling scared and sorry for myself. Two or three years are lifetimes at uni. The more I talk to the people I've met (both at uni, and online, due to a few of my earlier resolutions), the more I realise I don't want to be a figure of pity. I am not. I can change the way I am perceived, and I can change the way I perceive.
Rex (D&D player) is the one who made me realise this. He was the one who mentioned he chose to stop being introverted. I enjoy talking with him. I have realised, however, that I have managed to paint a picture of my hermitude to him. He worries about it, because he can tell I wasn't really happy (even though I do tend to joke about it). Perhaps it is mainly because I've been not the happiest person recently. But for some reason, it's really gotten to me. Many people have expressed concern/ joked about/ provided suggestions for it before...
Maybe because he's one of my first friends at MY uni, it means a little more. Some of the guys at Nottingham did think I was odd for not wanting to go out to the Fresher's week parties, but at the back of my mind maybe I knew it didn't really matter what they thought. (I'd be gone soon.) People online... I make fun of myself, but they don't know how I really am, right? It's nothing to worry about.
I don't want him to think I'm this sad friendless figure. I don't want anyone to think that. Perhaps it is pride.
I especially don't want J to worry about me, because it is just not fair to put him through that. I don't want him to feel guilty about going to Canada on holiday, or ever feel guilty about not being with me. I am a big girl, I should be able to look after myself. I love him, I miss him, but I will not make him solely responsible for my happiness because I'm dependent and maladjusted.
Start of the year, I joined a website in order to meet more Melbourne people. I met one, and I'm glad I did. We'll be going to see the Dresden Dolls together in September. We talk often, online, we've done fun stuff together. I gave up on that site, though.
I also signed up for dancing classes, to get fit and again meet people. I did a bit, but I think dancing is not for me, unless I have a friend to go with me. Perhaps a kick boxing class is more my thing.
I investigated RPing at uni. I found my D&D group. Definitely the best thing I've ever done at uni. We meet once a week, most of the time. We get on well. We might have a movie night some time soon, or an all-night session of D&D. This is one holiday I've actually been out and about.
I have more resolutions. Exercise, and people. As it is I've gotten back into regular walking, mostly with Basil, though I do like solitary walks too. I'm not sure I want to jump back into swimming, but a gym is far too expensive. Perhaps running? We shall see. People? I will try not to pike from organised meetings. I may try to even organise meetings once in a while. I will try to go find more groups at uni. I will hang out in the Basement and get to know more people. I will not make a habit of running straight home after classes.
Other resolutions? Try to be better to my family. Try to find a balance between telling them nothing and telling them so much they worry about me. Try to get better at university.
Some of you worry I may have Depression... I think I don't. I've perhaps been a little down. I don't like doctors, I never have. Once in Year 12 after I had a mini meltdown my sister and my mum took me to our regular doctor to try and talk about it. I couldn't, and didn't want to. I clamped my mouth shut and tried not to cry. Pity and sympathy hurt. I don't want to face them. I have double standards. Others should go see medical professionals should they require it, but for me, it is weakness. I even study psychology, yet I still feel this way.
I've painted myself as 'the strong one' in my mind. My sister's had difficulty, my parents worried about her. I just kept on going quietly, to not distract their attentions from her. At times I've resented it (what about me?), but now I realise it's my own fault for thinking of it in these terms. If I asked for help, my parents would help. No one demanded I keep stuff inside in order to not impose on my sister's share of their attention. But it is habit, now. Even though my sister is better, even though things have settled. When I was starting uni, I thought it would hurt my parents, to admit to any weakness. I thought they would ask themselves whether they were such bad parents, that both their children folded... I still wonder, and worry about, what it would do to them. I told my parents I had no friends because I hated the stupid people in my course, who were too loud and too obnoxious and too everything...
I want things to change.