(no subject)
Hi there.
It's been so long.
Where to begin. Let's start with my failures. My soul is dying. Among other things. My dog is dead. We got a new one. I moved back in with my parents. Soon I will leave the nest. I have been working. I have learned gentleness from cruelty. I have learned that no good deed goes unpunished. I have learned that life is pain. I have learned that what I say will hurt me more than what I do. I have learned not to trust anyone. I have learned that history repeats itself. I am alone. I am alive. I am BLob.
Is there anyone out there?
I feel alone. More than that. I am alone. Soon I will move away, where noone knows me. I will be alone. It is my self fufilled destiny to be alone. I am pain.
I bet your wondering if I've gotten over my childhood.
No, I'm still the same old broken record. Poor Me!
Racism has ruined my life. I know it's all my fault, for I have no confidence or love for myself. Being constantly hated makes me wish I was never born. It seems everywhere I go, the many abuse the few. One thing that upsets me though are people who haven't experienced racism. People who pretend it's not a big deal and even go so far as to defend the people who've done me harm.
There's no such thing as race.
You big dummies! Race is such a silly concept! White people, Black people, Uggo's and Fatties. Slanty Eyes and hairy jaws! All these little differences are so aesthetic. Hell might as well judge people based on the shirt they wear. Oh wait! Actually that would make alot more sense than judging someone based on skin colour.
I am killing myself with negativityI am killing myself with regret. ME.
I have no feelings other than regret. I regret living. I regret the air I breathe. I keep going. I am FAKE. I pretend to be happy, and you should too. In reality I go through the motions of a happy person. Why? So I don't poison you with my negativity. and so I don't poison my dog with negativity. Depression is very contagious. I know from experience. So why am I hurting you, my reader?
I wish I knew. I can't write without attacking you with my words. I'm so sorry. I love you. But, there is truth to this. I haven't told you half of the reasons I am dying of depression. Yet by now you can see the cause and effect. I am killing myself slowly. Pretty soon there will be nothing left but a husk of a man. Love yourself. You don't want to end up like me.
Are you sad too? I am sad. Everything seems to go wrong with my life. I'm having a hard time thinking about any good thing in my life. Returning to the north hurt. but I accomplished alot. I feel like I payed for it with my soul. Every night I rage myself to sleep. Does that make sense to you?
I feel incapable of affection. I don't like it either. I want people to stop touching me. I want people to stop caring about me. I want to stop moving. I want to stop thinking. I want to stop being. I want to start Nothing. I want to be empty. But it is not so.
I cannot stop being manipulated. I am relentlessly attacked by rage and doubt. This life is unfair. Fight back with fairness. Please be good. Even if the world is tainted with cruelty.
Oh, and I'm almost finished studying as a carpentry apprentice. BTW. mister ghost. Mister Imaginary Friend.