I Don't Think There's One Of Us That Lives a Life Free of Mistakes

[londonstranger]

The first mistake was meeting G so late in the evening for drinks without having eaten any dinner. The second was holding hands in the pub and the rest of the evening, yeah big mistake. I can hardly believe what happened but I was swept up in the moment. I enjoyed kissing him again, I enjoyed his touch and I enjoyed having sex with him again. But what a massive error I made last night. We had been talking and flirting for hours and then started kissing again and again. As soon as we finished having sex he broke down completely. Like really badly, like I had to literally pick him up off the floor as he sat there crying and had completely lost it. He had betrayed his girlfriend and felt that he had done me wrong as well. I tried to make him feel better and just held him for a bit but it was to no avail. She knew we were hanging out last night and sent him a text this morning saying she wasn't comfortable with how close he and I were still - even though I hadn't seen him for three weeks prior and even though she doesn't know what happened - and even though I have still never met her. They are having a conversation tonight. He has said we cannot see each other face to face again. I am sad in a way but in another way relieved because I think he is going to finally address whatever feelings he has. He doesn't know what they are, I don't know what they are and I don't think she knows what they are. But I am ashamed of having slept with him knowing he was in another relationship because that is beneath my moral standards and how I think people should treat one another. It is now up to him to tell her and I don't know if he will. I told him I still loved him. I know I said a million and one things last night which I meant. But I also know that he meant what he said this morning. That he did not want to be with me and cannot love me "they way you need or deserve to be loved." I have no one to blame but myself for this. I knew it was a dangerous situation, but that part of me that loves him so deeply took over. That part of me that fell in love with him to begin with won out and I fucked up.

You live, you learn. I don't know when I will see him again, but as always, I will miss him. I am not feeling a sense of overwhelming sadness, but more like I just need to get on with things - like that was the final goodbye and like it is for the best that it is now over for good. I am going to go to sleep and get an early night. Hopefully my life will continue to improve but we all have bumps in the road and we all make mistakes, sometimes really awful ones.