Chapter 523.......
Last Monday J and I had sex and I started drinking again all in one big fell corrective swoop. I had met J for drinks and eventually went back to his with a bottle of red. Expecting nothing to happen (this was something we had done many times in the past), I also indulged in some other relaxing substances as well. We talked about everything from music to politics to history and back again as was normally the way when suddenly he said, rather out of the blue "T, I am afraid I am going to have to take advantage of you". I was a bit shocked and just sort of said "What?" before he replied "I really want to kiss you right now" and I said "So go ahead then!" We snogged ("made out" for you US readers) in his hallway but I knew I was holding back. Something in me wouldn't let myself go fully given the situation. We were watching one of our favourite quiz shows on the computer and he was still trying to answer questions as I went down on him - it was all very fun and playful. Eventually we made our way to the bedroom where we just held each other a lot, told jokes, laughed and pleasured one another repeatedly. He told me many things, such as how beautiful I was, how I was the most important woman in his life, how I was the only one to have ever given him unconditional love and how much he loved me. This all mattered to me far more than the sex itself, which was at best secondary to the intensity of the affection that we shared. And it was just as well. As day broke I pleasured him again knowing this would be the last time and enjoyed watching the satisfaction on his face in the morning sunlight.
We went to breakfast and the weirdness started again almost straight away. I asked him if he had a good time and he said yes but that I needed to know it "wasn't going anywhere" - I said yeah, I knew he didn't want a relationship and so on but that I would certainly enjoy doing it again. Not long after we arranged to meet Wednesday night and he said he would make dinner and we were going to watch a movie. When Wednesday came around though, it was all weird again. I was supposed to meet him for 7 and hadn't heard anything from him so decided to call. He canceled dinner and the movie but said he still wanted to meet for drinks. I wasn't sure what to think. We were at the pub for some time just enjoying each others company until it was clear that it was late and things were closing up. I asked him what he was doing later to which he replied "Is that a loaded question?" and then said "I am going home". He immediately started about how sex couldn't be a regular thing and in fact he didn't want to do it anymore, that it would ruin the friendship and that he was still looking for the "queen of all my dreams" and that I wasn't it. So at this point I just said "Yeah? Why not? Why wouldn't you give it a go, we get on great, we love each other". He didn't answer and got increasingly agitated at the bar saying "See? This is why you don't shag your mates!" I was a bit embarrassed and wanted to leave. He then went on and said how it was all about himself, he was the only thing he had. "Do you think I give a fuck what anyone thinks? I would shoot you in the head if I had to". At this point I got up fom my seat saying "Nice one, I am going to leave now, I don't need to listen to this". He got more animated and the bartenders were now watching us. I calmly agreed to everything he was saying as he let out with a tirade of "You don't know me at all. No one knows me. You don't know what kind of person I am!" I then told him that I really didn't want to walk out and would rather continue the conversation elsewhere which convinced him to leave with me and go back to his.
On the way the conversation continued with him stopping along the high street for dramatic effect. "T, you ain't my girl" and I said "Yeah I know". When we got back to his the conversation continued until finally it came down to the real reason after all. I told him that I knew he needed a very good looking woman on his arm and that was the way he was. He then just said "Look...it's..." and I just said "Just tell me for fuck's sake" and he said "Well you're not really my type". Now I knew that was coming but it still hurt like hell, particularly given that we'd had sex a few days before. Then as if turning from night to day, J suddenly realised what he had said and perhaps it was the deep hurt in my face but he immediately started reassuring me again saying "C'mon T, why am I the arbiter of the female body, just because I like a certain type doesn't mean that other guys don't like other types." I was silent and he tried again "Don't buy into the patriarchy! C'mon! I know we're all just bags of chemicals and blood and guts in the end, I know it means nothing, but it means something to me." We just talked some more and he tried to play some comedy clips on the computer, maybe to cheer us both up but I was pretty crushed. I tried to get up to leave a few times and he implored me to sit back down, desparate for me to not leave crying or upset. He grabbed me and held me, kissed me on the lips and verbally reassured me. When I finally did go, I hugged him and caught my breath a few times while breathing in, my heartbreak creating tangible jerking motion across our chests. I walked up his stairs, turned to him and said "Bye J". When I said this and looked deep into his eyes I saw them flicker and then extinguish as the realisation of what he may have just lost set upon him.
I had planned on not seeing him again for a long time. I met up with some mutual friends A and N on Saturday and didn't think he would show up. While eating dinner A said "Something's wrong with J, he's really down. I asked him to come out but he's being weird about it", "Probably his girlfriend!" N replied referring to the woman he was seeing previously. I had asked J not to tell people that we had sex because I was worried about precisely this type of talk and it was obvious he had respected my request. I let 10 or 15 minutes pass and excused myself to make a phone call. J didn't answer so I sent a text saying that I was ok, things were cool and told him to come out of his flat and hang out with us and that I hoped we would be best of mates for a long time. He responded positively and a few minutes later A received word that J would hang out after all. I went out with N to the lesbian bar and A went round to see J. Eventually we ended up back at J's with some wine and in good spirits and he was really rather wasted when we came in. I gave him a kiss on the cheek and told him I was glad to see him and he responded in kind. The night went on and we sang to our favourite band, drank, smoked and generally had a good time. A and N got a cab back to their place and J was having trouble standing so I stayed behind to make sure he got to bed alright. Initially I stood in the hallway and he passed out on my shoulder for a bit. When he came to I helped him into the bedroom where he collapsed onto the floor and insisted he was going to lay there on top of the shells he had brought back from India, I pulled him up and got him on the bed, and felt the full dead weight of the man for the first time. I then laid down next to him and just held him gently, stroking his face and his hair. He reached up and began kissing me passionately and then began calling me N! I was surprised, sort of grabbed him and said "Hey, that's not my name buddy". Looking at him I realised how incredibly fucked up he was, completely out of it. He responded "Who are you?", it was all rather surreal. I got up and paced around a bit, I was a bit drunk myself, cursed myself for being there and given it was nearly 4am, knowing I really should stay there for my own safety. I collapsed on the bed and woke up an hour later. Upon coming to I immediately said "Fuck! What the fuck am I doing here?" out loud. J was passed out cold. I got up, kissed him on the forehead and walked home at 5am, meeting a few foxes along the way.
I sent him a text the next morning thanking him for the party and telling him that I was glad things were cool between us. He responded with a text kiss and that was it. It seems he may not remember what happened at all after a certain point on Saturday and for that I am grateful! On Monday we had an incredible snowfall and I texted him to share in the wonder of the whole city being down. He responded that he was walking across London in an epic journey and had obviously been to see his buddy in Greenwich. I was pleased that he had managed to get away from the mess that was our neighbourhood and find comfort outside of that dark flat of his. Last night we met up for drinks and I was going out for the first time to the local poly meet up later on. I wanted to see him to make sure things were cool between us. We had a great time just talking and drinking. I told him I was really glad everything was ok between us and he agreed. He was rather down so I tried my best to cheer him. He wants to get out of London and says he doesn't like who he is here. I told him he could do whatever he wanted, that I believed in him, I believed in his ability and reminded him of the great things he has done. I knew he didn't want to be alone so I walked him home. Standing outside his flat we kissed and he sort of knew I was making a decision. He then said "Go on, you know it's the right thing to do. T, you are a quester!!!!" With all of the love in my heart I told him goodbye and walked away. Upon arriving at my destination Bob Dylan's "Mr. Tambourine Man" started to play and a text message appeared on my phone from J which said simply "Keep on keeping on x". My heart was warmed to the core and a broad smile appeared on my face. I knew that I wasn't going to lose my best friend.
We went to breakfast and the weirdness started again almost straight away. I asked him if he had a good time and he said yes but that I needed to know it "wasn't going anywhere" - I said yeah, I knew he didn't want a relationship and so on but that I would certainly enjoy doing it again. Not long after we arranged to meet Wednesday night and he said he would make dinner and we were going to watch a movie. When Wednesday came around though, it was all weird again. I was supposed to meet him for 7 and hadn't heard anything from him so decided to call. He canceled dinner and the movie but said he still wanted to meet for drinks. I wasn't sure what to think. We were at the pub for some time just enjoying each others company until it was clear that it was late and things were closing up. I asked him what he was doing later to which he replied "Is that a loaded question?" and then said "I am going home". He immediately started about how sex couldn't be a regular thing and in fact he didn't want to do it anymore, that it would ruin the friendship and that he was still looking for the "queen of all my dreams" and that I wasn't it. So at this point I just said "Yeah? Why not? Why wouldn't you give it a go, we get on great, we love each other". He didn't answer and got increasingly agitated at the bar saying "See? This is why you don't shag your mates!" I was a bit embarrassed and wanted to leave. He then went on and said how it was all about himself, he was the only thing he had. "Do you think I give a fuck what anyone thinks? I would shoot you in the head if I had to". At this point I got up fom my seat saying "Nice one, I am going to leave now, I don't need to listen to this". He got more animated and the bartenders were now watching us. I calmly agreed to everything he was saying as he let out with a tirade of "You don't know me at all. No one knows me. You don't know what kind of person I am!" I then told him that I really didn't want to walk out and would rather continue the conversation elsewhere which convinced him to leave with me and go back to his.
On the way the conversation continued with him stopping along the high street for dramatic effect. "T, you ain't my girl" and I said "Yeah I know". When we got back to his the conversation continued until finally it came down to the real reason after all. I told him that I knew he needed a very good looking woman on his arm and that was the way he was. He then just said "Look...it's..." and I just said "Just tell me for fuck's sake" and he said "Well you're not really my type". Now I knew that was coming but it still hurt like hell, particularly given that we'd had sex a few days before. Then as if turning from night to day, J suddenly realised what he had said and perhaps it was the deep hurt in my face but he immediately started reassuring me again saying "C'mon T, why am I the arbiter of the female body, just because I like a certain type doesn't mean that other guys don't like other types." I was silent and he tried again "Don't buy into the patriarchy! C'mon! I know we're all just bags of chemicals and blood and guts in the end, I know it means nothing, but it means something to me." We just talked some more and he tried to play some comedy clips on the computer, maybe to cheer us both up but I was pretty crushed. I tried to get up to leave a few times and he implored me to sit back down, desparate for me to not leave crying or upset. He grabbed me and held me, kissed me on the lips and verbally reassured me. When I finally did go, I hugged him and caught my breath a few times while breathing in, my heartbreak creating tangible jerking motion across our chests. I walked up his stairs, turned to him and said "Bye J". When I said this and looked deep into his eyes I saw them flicker and then extinguish as the realisation of what he may have just lost set upon him.
I had planned on not seeing him again for a long time. I met up with some mutual friends A and N on Saturday and didn't think he would show up. While eating dinner A said "Something's wrong with J, he's really down. I asked him to come out but he's being weird about it", "Probably his girlfriend!" N replied referring to the woman he was seeing previously. I had asked J not to tell people that we had sex because I was worried about precisely this type of talk and it was obvious he had respected my request. I let 10 or 15 minutes pass and excused myself to make a phone call. J didn't answer so I sent a text saying that I was ok, things were cool and told him to come out of his flat and hang out with us and that I hoped we would be best of mates for a long time. He responded positively and a few minutes later A received word that J would hang out after all. I went out with N to the lesbian bar and A went round to see J. Eventually we ended up back at J's with some wine and in good spirits and he was really rather wasted when we came in. I gave him a kiss on the cheek and told him I was glad to see him and he responded in kind. The night went on and we sang to our favourite band, drank, smoked and generally had a good time. A and N got a cab back to their place and J was having trouble standing so I stayed behind to make sure he got to bed alright. Initially I stood in the hallway and he passed out on my shoulder for a bit. When he came to I helped him into the bedroom where he collapsed onto the floor and insisted he was going to lay there on top of the shells he had brought back from India, I pulled him up and got him on the bed, and felt the full dead weight of the man for the first time. I then laid down next to him and just held him gently, stroking his face and his hair. He reached up and began kissing me passionately and then began calling me N! I was surprised, sort of grabbed him and said "Hey, that's not my name buddy". Looking at him I realised how incredibly fucked up he was, completely out of it. He responded "Who are you?", it was all rather surreal. I got up and paced around a bit, I was a bit drunk myself, cursed myself for being there and given it was nearly 4am, knowing I really should stay there for my own safety. I collapsed on the bed and woke up an hour later. Upon coming to I immediately said "Fuck! What the fuck am I doing here?" out loud. J was passed out cold. I got up, kissed him on the forehead and walked home at 5am, meeting a few foxes along the way.
I sent him a text the next morning thanking him for the party and telling him that I was glad things were cool between us. He responded with a text kiss and that was it. It seems he may not remember what happened at all after a certain point on Saturday and for that I am grateful! On Monday we had an incredible snowfall and I texted him to share in the wonder of the whole city being down. He responded that he was walking across London in an epic journey and had obviously been to see his buddy in Greenwich. I was pleased that he had managed to get away from the mess that was our neighbourhood and find comfort outside of that dark flat of his. Last night we met up for drinks and I was going out for the first time to the local poly meet up later on. I wanted to see him to make sure things were cool between us. We had a great time just talking and drinking. I told him I was really glad everything was ok between us and he agreed. He was rather down so I tried my best to cheer him. He wants to get out of London and says he doesn't like who he is here. I told him he could do whatever he wanted, that I believed in him, I believed in his ability and reminded him of the great things he has done. I knew he didn't want to be alone so I walked him home. Standing outside his flat we kissed and he sort of knew I was making a decision. He then said "Go on, you know it's the right thing to do. T, you are a quester!!!!" With all of the love in my heart I told him goodbye and walked away. Upon arriving at my destination Bob Dylan's "Mr. Tambourine Man" started to play and a text message appeared on my phone from J which said simply "Keep on keeping on x". My heart was warmed to the core and a broad smile appeared on my face. I knew that I wasn't going to lose my best friend.