Fuck 'Em
I haven't written on here for a while and wanted to provide and update of sorts on the situation. I moved back to my neighbourhood on the 3rd of Jan, in with some nice flatmates who are both teachers - there seems to be an issue with loo roll restocking but never mind! Overall it is pleasant. I have my little basement room which has fast become a sort of sanctuary and a place for me to read and study - though the sounds from upstairs require earplugs at virtually all times.
I made the mistake of having sex with G a few times since I moved back, mostly because he actually wanted to have sex with me - an infuriating thing given that it took me moving out for this to happen. So we talked, we had a few conversations about how it would be nice to be together - not here and not now - but maybe in the future, maybe in Boston and so forth. I don't know why but like a blind fool I fell for this and started to nod my head in agreement. Pretty soon he was trying to talk me into seeing him on the weekends given how busy he is during the week - a fling if you will - casual sex and so forth. I gave it a try. It was predictably a disaster. You cannot go from a 5 year relationship into a casual fling. He was texting me all of the time, I was texting him. We were leaving the pubs together like before and the sex - well the sex was strange, I didn't like the way he was kissing me. I didn't like the way he touched me - like everything was backwards and all wrong. Like it was forced. Like maybe he didn't want to lose me so badly that he still didn't feel like having sex but was now forcing himself to do so instead of addressing why it was that he felt like not having sex. God....
In any case, I put an end to this. But not just this. J returned from India after two months away. I was so excited to see him and brought his magazines that he had asked me to collect for him when he was away which came out fortnightly and I lent him a prized book from my personal collection. He gave me a beautiful shell, a Shiva's eye, I little piece spiraling into infinity which he had hand collected along with a dozen others along the shore in India. He told me to pick one and I reached in - he looked at it and said "Ah I knew you would pick that one! You can't have that one." Obviously reserved for someone else I thought, how typical. The other one was just as beautiful though and I now have it on my bookshelf. I invited G to come and welcome him back because it was my understanding that others would be there as well but no one else showed up. So once again this sad little triangle of human beings sat at our favourite pub, J in full beard with a dirty tan, G with his mad hair and plastic bags full of papers and me and my heart broken in two places. But we talked, laughed and pretended all was well anyway.
I didn't talk to J for a few days until I sent him a text just as he was going up to see his family. He called me back and went on about how all of his friends were "cunts", no one gave a damn about him and no one cared about him. "God how little has changed" I thought. He said he had gotten in a fight with everyone the day before so I said "Well I am glad I didn't call you then!" laughing. He got serious and sombre, "I wish you had T, I really wish you had". I saw right through this for the first time in such a clear light. Maybe it was that the sun was out for the first time in months but I saw this manipulative behaviour for what it was and it pissed me off. Translation of J: You MUST call me, you MUST be there for me because nobody else is. I NEED you to call me, I NEED you to confirm my self worth, my ego.
So like an idiot I called him on the Monday. He had made a point of telling me he'd be back on Monday, implying he wanted to hang out. I texted earlier about his business stuff and stupidly proposed we should have a drink - I thought he might of missed me as much as I missed him.... After no response I thought maybe his mobile was off so called his flat where I left a message, this time nixing the drinks invite. And nothing. Silence, zilch. No contact. Translation of J: I am in control, I don't NEED you. Don't call me. If you do call me and someone else is already massaging my ego, you can fuck off.
The dance was starting again and I was determined to sit this one out. I had enough! I am going through a separation from my husband for christ's sake - I don't need to be fucked about by some idiot who thinks it's funny, wise or clever to not respond when one of his supposedly best mates is trying to ring him after having seen him only once in the last two months!!!
Of course it's more complicated than that. Of course I know the real reason he didn't call because someone or something was more important that day than even having the common courtesy to send a text back. So I just said fuck it. I can't deal with this anymore. And this happened at the same time as I made this decision about G. So I just snapped and initiated no contact with both of them. J tried ringing, all too predictably the next morning after I had spent a horrible afternoon and evening because of problems with both him and G. I didn't answer. For the first time I can remember I purposely didn't pick up when J called and I haven't called him back. He didn't leave a message and hasn't tried to contact me since - that was Monday, today is Friday. Translation: Assclown. This guy is a joke, even as a friend. He knows I have been through a really rough time, a separation and so forth but he was right, he really "can't be arsed" like he said to me back in October. What I didn't realised is that he is so selfish that he can't even be arsed to be friends with me.
G on the other hand, I give more credit to. He has at the very least always been there for me at my lowest moments. But G has fucked around too. He said he wanted to make things work but last Sunday told me how he was going on a date with a woman from his comrade's school, how she had kissed him on the lips and obviously wore a lot of lip gloss - how nice for her but I really didn't want to hear that.... I didn't respond to any of his texts after that. Not because I am opposed to him dating other people, but I think you either decide to work on things or date other people and he still hasn't made up his mind, he still hasn't told me what he wants to do. He wants the easy way out. He won't change. He is supposed to be seeing a psychiatrist finally on the 27th. I don't know if he will learn anything about himself and his maddening passive-aggression or if he will continue to think that it is me that is the problem. That I am the reason - in some way or another - why he is too stressed to have sex instead of his job or politics or whatever.
G texted me last night and wanted to come see me after my class. I turned him down politely knowing that it was our 4-year wedding anniversary (though we would have been together for 5 years) and I so didn't want to deal with the drama - so I didn't, I took control instead and said no. There's a party this weekend where both he and J will be. I am showing up late - going to watch a movie with a friend in the early afternoon. I am not going home with either of them and part of me just doesn't want to go anyway and on the night, if I really don't want to go, then I won't.
The bottom line is this. I have shit to do. I have places to go. I can't be arsed to mess around with all of this nonsense. If someone loves me, let them come to me and show me that they love me. If someone wants to spend time with me, let them make an effort to do so. My time is precious, I am precious, I am worth more than this. I will meet someone who appreciates and loves me for who I am and this isn't a long shot or a dire prospect. I am smart, intelligent, not terribly bad looking and fun to be around as well as having lived an interesting life. Sure I have my bad points too, don't we all? The point is that these boys need to get their shit together. It doesn't matter if they do, I have moved beyond that now.
Oh and I got accepted to my master's course, so two more years in the UK for me at least. But these two are going to be on my terms. It's my club boys and if you don't like the rules, I am sorry but I am going to have to chuck you out!
I made the mistake of having sex with G a few times since I moved back, mostly because he actually wanted to have sex with me - an infuriating thing given that it took me moving out for this to happen. So we talked, we had a few conversations about how it would be nice to be together - not here and not now - but maybe in the future, maybe in Boston and so forth. I don't know why but like a blind fool I fell for this and started to nod my head in agreement. Pretty soon he was trying to talk me into seeing him on the weekends given how busy he is during the week - a fling if you will - casual sex and so forth. I gave it a try. It was predictably a disaster. You cannot go from a 5 year relationship into a casual fling. He was texting me all of the time, I was texting him. We were leaving the pubs together like before and the sex - well the sex was strange, I didn't like the way he was kissing me. I didn't like the way he touched me - like everything was backwards and all wrong. Like it was forced. Like maybe he didn't want to lose me so badly that he still didn't feel like having sex but was now forcing himself to do so instead of addressing why it was that he felt like not having sex. God....
In any case, I put an end to this. But not just this. J returned from India after two months away. I was so excited to see him and brought his magazines that he had asked me to collect for him when he was away which came out fortnightly and I lent him a prized book from my personal collection. He gave me a beautiful shell, a Shiva's eye, I little piece spiraling into infinity which he had hand collected along with a dozen others along the shore in India. He told me to pick one and I reached in - he looked at it and said "Ah I knew you would pick that one! You can't have that one." Obviously reserved for someone else I thought, how typical. The other one was just as beautiful though and I now have it on my bookshelf. I invited G to come and welcome him back because it was my understanding that others would be there as well but no one else showed up. So once again this sad little triangle of human beings sat at our favourite pub, J in full beard with a dirty tan, G with his mad hair and plastic bags full of papers and me and my heart broken in two places. But we talked, laughed and pretended all was well anyway.
I didn't talk to J for a few days until I sent him a text just as he was going up to see his family. He called me back and went on about how all of his friends were "cunts", no one gave a damn about him and no one cared about him. "God how little has changed" I thought. He said he had gotten in a fight with everyone the day before so I said "Well I am glad I didn't call you then!" laughing. He got serious and sombre, "I wish you had T, I really wish you had". I saw right through this for the first time in such a clear light. Maybe it was that the sun was out for the first time in months but I saw this manipulative behaviour for what it was and it pissed me off. Translation of J: You MUST call me, you MUST be there for me because nobody else is. I NEED you to call me, I NEED you to confirm my self worth, my ego.
So like an idiot I called him on the Monday. He had made a point of telling me he'd be back on Monday, implying he wanted to hang out. I texted earlier about his business stuff and stupidly proposed we should have a drink - I thought he might of missed me as much as I missed him.... After no response I thought maybe his mobile was off so called his flat where I left a message, this time nixing the drinks invite. And nothing. Silence, zilch. No contact. Translation of J: I am in control, I don't NEED you. Don't call me. If you do call me and someone else is already massaging my ego, you can fuck off.
The dance was starting again and I was determined to sit this one out. I had enough! I am going through a separation from my husband for christ's sake - I don't need to be fucked about by some idiot who thinks it's funny, wise or clever to not respond when one of his supposedly best mates is trying to ring him after having seen him only once in the last two months!!!
Of course it's more complicated than that. Of course I know the real reason he didn't call because someone or something was more important that day than even having the common courtesy to send a text back. So I just said fuck it. I can't deal with this anymore. And this happened at the same time as I made this decision about G. So I just snapped and initiated no contact with both of them. J tried ringing, all too predictably the next morning after I had spent a horrible afternoon and evening because of problems with both him and G. I didn't answer. For the first time I can remember I purposely didn't pick up when J called and I haven't called him back. He didn't leave a message and hasn't tried to contact me since - that was Monday, today is Friday. Translation: Assclown. This guy is a joke, even as a friend. He knows I have been through a really rough time, a separation and so forth but he was right, he really "can't be arsed" like he said to me back in October. What I didn't realised is that he is so selfish that he can't even be arsed to be friends with me.
G on the other hand, I give more credit to. He has at the very least always been there for me at my lowest moments. But G has fucked around too. He said he wanted to make things work but last Sunday told me how he was going on a date with a woman from his comrade's school, how she had kissed him on the lips and obviously wore a lot of lip gloss - how nice for her but I really didn't want to hear that.... I didn't respond to any of his texts after that. Not because I am opposed to him dating other people, but I think you either decide to work on things or date other people and he still hasn't made up his mind, he still hasn't told me what he wants to do. He wants the easy way out. He won't change. He is supposed to be seeing a psychiatrist finally on the 27th. I don't know if he will learn anything about himself and his maddening passive-aggression or if he will continue to think that it is me that is the problem. That I am the reason - in some way or another - why he is too stressed to have sex instead of his job or politics or whatever.
G texted me last night and wanted to come see me after my class. I turned him down politely knowing that it was our 4-year wedding anniversary (though we would have been together for 5 years) and I so didn't want to deal with the drama - so I didn't, I took control instead and said no. There's a party this weekend where both he and J will be. I am showing up late - going to watch a movie with a friend in the early afternoon. I am not going home with either of them and part of me just doesn't want to go anyway and on the night, if I really don't want to go, then I won't.
The bottom line is this. I have shit to do. I have places to go. I can't be arsed to mess around with all of this nonsense. If someone loves me, let them come to me and show me that they love me. If someone wants to spend time with me, let them make an effort to do so. My time is precious, I am precious, I am worth more than this. I will meet someone who appreciates and loves me for who I am and this isn't a long shot or a dire prospect. I am smart, intelligent, not terribly bad looking and fun to be around as well as having lived an interesting life. Sure I have my bad points too, don't we all? The point is that these boys need to get their shit together. It doesn't matter if they do, I have moved beyond that now.
Oh and I got accepted to my master's course, so two more years in the UK for me at least. But these two are going to be on my terms. It's my club boys and if you don't like the rules, I am sorry but I am going to have to chuck you out!