Fic: The Baby Job 3/3 (Rated PG-13)
AN: See story, spoilers, and disclaimers in Chapter 1.
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Ten minutes after he was certain they had all vacated his living room, Nate emerged with the glass and bottle still in his hands, he headed straight for the kitchen. Once there he poured what remained of his drink in the glass down the drain before quickly disposing of the bottle's contents. He had had every intention of drinking himself into a stupor that night, had started to, but stopped when he remembered Sophie's eyes, and the hurt he had seen in them. She had clearly been angry with him too but there was no denying the hurt he had seen there. The night passed tortuously slow, the hours feeling like years as Nate wrestled with the memories of his distant past and with the fact he had once again hurt Sophie.
It was an hour and a half after sunrise when Sophie let herself into Nate's apartment, where she was shocked to find him sitting on the couch. He was staring off into space but looking him over, he seemed to be in a state far more sober than she had expected to find him. However he didn't seem to have heard her entrance in, so Sophie called out to him, keeping her voice soft as not to startle him. “Nate?” When he didn't respond or even look at her, she gently moved to sit beside him on the couch, and touched his arm. “Nate?”
“Back in the days when I was still an investigator for I.Y.S., there was one assignment I was given I knew would probably keep me away from home in Europe for the better parts the next two weeks. It was Friday when the assignment came down and it was urgent enough I would need to leave the next day. So I went home to get ready for the trip, tell Maggie what had come up with work. She took it fine but Sam was disappointed because this sudden assignment canceled the plans we had made for the weekend.”
Was I the reason he had to leave his family, his son that weekend? Guilt followed her train of thought which Sophie firmly pushed back out of her mind then she gently prompted him to continue by asking, “What had your plans been for that weekend?”
“To take Sam camping for the first time.” For the first time since she came in, Nate looked at Sophie and saw a question in her eyes. “Oh no it wasn't the kind of camping where you sleep in tents and in sleeping bags on the ground. Maggie isn't much of a rough it kind of girl, but she agreed to it after I told her we could rent a cabin to stay in. But we still had planned to do things you'd do while camping like having a fire, roast hot dogs and marshmallows - that sort of thing. I thought I might even try to teach Sam a little about fishing.”
“Everything a little boy would find fun and love doing with his dad.” Sophie saw the pain in his eyes and she felt the tears that were stinging her own. She didn't understand why he was telling her about this, what this had to do with their own situation. She stopped short however of saying anything that might discourage him from talking to her altogether. After all she knew from very personal, rather frustrating experience that once Nathan Ford clammed up and shut down emotionally, she would be faced with the next to impossible task of getting him to talk start talking with her again.
“So what happened?” she asked, hoping it wasn't the wrong decision.
“Well neither Maggie or I were looking forward to seeing the disappointment on Sam's face and thankfully neither of us had to. Since it was in the middle of summer, Maggie actually suggested we camp out in the backyard instead, all three of us. Sam was still a little disappointed we wouldn't be camping all weekend like we had planned but he still loved it. We found a way of doing the backyard version of everything we had planned to do at the cabin, except the fishing, and Maggie even agreed to sleep outside with her boys.” Nate's eyes still had pain in them but now there was also a genuine happiness at the memories. “Sam fell asleep watching the stars.”
Sophie smiled. “That's a wonderful memory.”
“Yes it is, one of the most precious I have with my son.” Nate sighed. “Sophie, when I think of Sam and how much I loved him, it scares me. I've never loved anyone like I loved him and when he died, well so much of me died with him. The best part of me in fact and I'm not sure I could ever have it in me to be the father I was to him with another child. I don't even know I have it in me to overcome the fear of something happening them so I can fully love them in the way they deserve to be loved.”
Sophie was quiet for several moments after he finished speaking, struggling to find the words to say to him, and to keep from crying anymore than she already was. She had always known how deeply Nate had loved his son because of his agony had ran just as deeply in after Sam's death. But to hear him actually put those feelings into words had cause her to be at a loss for words.
“Nate,” she began when she finally did find what she hoped was the right words. “I'm scared too, more scared than I've ever been in my life. I never saw myself ever being a mother, and I don't know what sort of a mother I will be and to be honest I've always thought I was too selfish for motherhood. But even though this wasn't what I planned to have happen, I want to do this, even if it scares me half to death. I will do this even if I have to do it alone, without you. But I hope I won't come to that because our son...” She heard him take a sharp breath at that word but she kept going, “... or daughter deserves to grow up with their father, and I know you've got it in you somewhere to be the father again that you were to Sam.”
“I don't know, Soph, I just don't know if I have the strength.”
Silence fell over the room as his words sank in, Sophie unsure how to answer him. But then she reached out, took his hand in her own. “Nate, you have one of two choices to make here. If you choose the first one, then you'll allow your fear to rob you of a very precious chance to hold and love your child, and be loved by that child. Or you can still feel the fear you're feeling but not let it rob you of loving your child and being a part of their life.”
She put a hand on his cheek, and gently turned his face so he was looking at her. “I know all you can think about right now is the pain you've been feeling since Sam died, but I hope you can also remember the great love you felt for him. I know that if you love this child, you're taking a huge risk that one day in the future your heart will be broken again, and there's no way we can know if the future will hold good or bad. But whichever it holds, isn't loving your child worth the risk of having your heart broken again?”
He nodded.“I can't promise anything more beyond one day at a time.”
“Then we'll take this one day at a time.”
Fin... for now
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