I'm over Him, but not over it.

[lombooty]

It was sunday morning when he got out of bed and into the shower for work. I sat up in bed feeling lonely. I always felt lonely. I knew I wasn't going to see him or hear from him again for at least a couple of days, maybe even a week. When he opened the door he was already fully dressed and putting on his tie. He came over to the bed and sat down next to me, to slip on his socks and shoes. I just stayed there mute looking back at him hoping he'd realize my cry for attention. He did notice this time only because I wasn't begging him to leave. When I explained how I knew the week was going to go...us not seeing each other, me calling him, him saying he'd call but wouldn't...he of course said he'd call. I knew he wouldn't...he was always all talk. And then I realized I had done all I could do. I knew then that maybe I'd be more happy without him...he wouldn't be around but I knew my friends would. I knew what had to be done by then. In my heart, I desperately wanted to keep trying, but in my gut feeling I knew it just wasn't working anymore. And then I ended it. It obviously wasn't a shock to him since that had been his goal for the past few months. I remembering thinking that it was a nice break up...I didn't even cry. I think I cried so much during the relationship, I was all cried out. So, then he got up and walked out the front door. To my surprise, I didn't get that lonely feeling. It felt as though a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I knew I did the right thing. I didn't know when I was going to see or talk to him ever again, and that felt kinda nice. For the first time in a long time I didn't have to worry about or answer to no one else but me. Honestly, I think the first thing that came to mind was that everyone was going to think I was devastated and that me without him was just bizarre. Even though our break up went smoothly, it had a long lasting affect on me.

Now, I wish I could delete him out of my life, but I could only delete him out of my phone last night. I thought I was more cool than this...I thought I was more calm than this. I thought I could forget him like he once forgot me. But, then I realized I have a heart...